tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-89958972439561460882024-03-12T16:37:32.489-07:00Thoughts of the daySarah's mouthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12903671683806036760noreply@blogger.comBlogger72125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8995897243956146088.post-49404593671447542172022-10-28T14:18:00.000-07:002022-10-28T14:18:32.070-07:00My DearestWhy do you have to have such a killer reality? How do I sometimes get stuck with such a high end society guy? I hate knowing you can make me light headed or faint. I hate how small you can make me feel without trying. How did you ever notice me? I was looking a little at the media. I got in a little trouble earlier and was just mad at the fact I don't have your companion around. What a terrible wife I am in not consoling to you with your recent problems. While I feel threatened at a 9 from a scale of 1-10, and ten at the most, its not the same story as yours. I could wonder or question if you've murdered before or were the reason for a person's suicide but its just too mean to ask. Having some kind of responsibility with fatalities and being mentioned in the media must feel like such a heavy weight and brick for you. I'm sorry for the pain you must feel. I'm sure you've felt pain in that and in other media pressures. Today is a good day for you though. You definitely have a distraction to keep your mind off of it and a better light to be shown in. ... The beating I've taken today though is just maddening to me. I can't win no matter what I do in wanting to keep myself afloat. There is a definite way I can't argue with someone about something. My overall personal debate over my life has many things debatable but now my self financing ability has no other choice than taking a hard blow. Besides my finances is another harder blow to my respect as a parent and independent and adequate person. Your asshole had the nerve to call me a "tran," and over-looked my personal oppressions and hardships. My respect and independence needs protection the most. Nevermind that I get "tranned,"-I'd rather call it bossy codependence where I'm treated to no identity and someone wants their glory and credit over my life. It comes and goes from strangers and traffickers every so often. There are times and situations where I would still call "planet of the apes," on certain people (a place where I originally expressed and confided in a hospital). Man it hurts to have my self sufficiency and independence triggered. I wouldn't say a particular person is an ape or the abyss to everything else I vented over. The person is a look-alike of someone I knew many years ago and I definitely would despise being forced to be in bondage to her and thinking she has a seriously superior glory. Man that trafficking is terror.....I do apologize for not making better use of myself sooner in showing a little more sympathy to your troubles and problems. Would you send me some kind of console or companionship my dearest isolator? Sarah's mouthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12903671683806036760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8995897243956146088.post-32705555697175313482022-05-07T14:10:00.004-07:002022-05-07T14:15:02.395-07:00Tough Bravery So... I have started along the path of being open to a sperm donor awhile ago... While I feel more of a loss of hope in ever having the ideal kind of relationship I would want to have, it doesn't mean I'd never want that ideal. It isn't that I have closed all my doors either and with a strong brow not meaning to sound, "the most easy," like some failing men would intentionally want to take me as. Like I ever would let that be an argument. I will admit to having more than 1 interest of men at once. Like it is fair for some men to have a time period to decide just one (which I question if they ever will just want one), so it should be for women to have their time period of being a little uncertain. ... Anyway, while it seems I somehow and sometimes win a mutual attraction to a big name, I'm still open to being in relationships with men who don't have the biggest or most known name. ... Right now, I'm thinking about the what if of a big name/ celebrity name. What if a celeb had the intel to know I was looking for a donor and they had their own way of looking for a nest and since I don't have the advantages they do, wouldn't that make my lesser advantaged individual some kind of advantage. I used to be harder on the issue but people just have their personal attractions for whatever reason. A person can't ignore an advantage issue but does it always have to be the most fixated or prime issue? ... I'm not a person who considers myself to be media obsessed or a star stalker but I have heard the rumors of celebs especially having many kinds and many baby mamas. Because they have such wealth and money, produce and multiply without worrying about a traditional reputation. .... Would some thoughts or factors kill me? It really all depends. It is how a man would make his choice and how much he cares and how much he would give any kind of protection at all. It all depends. .... How to talk in caution has always seemed impossible. I'm not going to say a specific name but he looks a little like Ashton Kutcher. While I'm not out to hit Ashton with a bus right now, it is seriously fair to say the number of times he threw me under the bus and THREW HIS CAUTION TO THE WIND. He also looks like Christian from 50 shades of grey, but don't expect me to stay in your basement with what some of your unfairness's are Ashton Kutcher. So, Ashton really has broke my heart before. In past times, I assumed him to be the open relationship type of guy but he seemed to be a protector for a period of time in his own way and then I never felt safe with him again and never will. He had a couple of his own cheats on me with a few of my most common enemies. There are men who cheat with a stranger and then men who cheat with someone who they should never seriously cheat you with. It was severely heartless of Ashton and Ashton had no shame. Ashton was another jerk who wasn't going to understand me and intentionally would not understand me. He was another jerk who was wanting me to be a lesbian and had many other denials over who I was against me. There is no way on earth Ashton could say he can protect me and my will to live. He is not for my will to live. ... So me knowing this with Ashton and the way arbitrage and lookalikes normally go, I just have my own personal bias and stereotype of Ashton. If someone who looks like him, is like him and thinks like him, the answer is really "NO." If a guy would care to fight to say, I'm seriously not like him, I'd give more of an open door..... My next side thought is back to the celebrity produce and multiply issue. My sense of self and ideals are: I'm not into open relationships. If you are wanting the option of being in a relationship with me and no one else, I would see some kind of possibility maybe. Besides having a baby with me, you would also have to love,protect, and care for the babies siblings just as much.... Not being open and easy with every man wearing the title of a celebrity. If it isn't the relationship a man was looking for and he was wanting another nest, I get full custody. If he is in another relationship with someone else, I don't want to be her friend or girlfriend. As long as I'm on good terms with the dad, he can still visit but his other is not allowed and he has to respect the territorial woman I am. There is no treating me or my kids as a subject or servant. These are the thoughts that I think. Sarah's mouthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12903671683806036760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8995897243956146088.post-52586876683884090652020-11-07T20:15:00.000-08:002020-11-07T20:15:14.809-08:00Random ThoughtsRight now isn't the best timing to write about my random thoughts, but I write anyway. Most times, I feel I have a better expression and writing when something is fresh on my mind. What is fresh on my mind is something that dates years back. It isn't too big of a deal to some people, but I can tell with a few of my kindappers it is. It's a negative energy that makes me want to yell at accountability the most and blames me for being a misunderstood person. Sometimes people don't always think enough about the things they say and are ignorant at younger ages. Yet, at that specific time I get so beat up for paranoia and schizophrenia, when there are other times I get rudely beat up for not being paranoid enough. Amongst kidnappers, I think I have one that doesn't want or mean to want to have me and have credit with a man orgy. I think he means to represent himself and has some sensitivity to my paranoia and the way I get robbed with the credibility other men would want to give themself. On another end, someone wants to paint some kind of signs but its always terrible to know the robbery and blackmails that some people want to have. ... The paranormal is always creey with just how unknown and blind siding everything is... I always get off on rabbit trails. Back to what I was initially saying about being a misunderstood person in talking about gays. (I hate this subject. It's always too forceful). When I made a few friends that came in went through college, I always had the most peaceful approach in wanting to make friends. I reflect on times I was wild and embarassing but just didn't care in some moments of time that I was my own embarassed. When I used to be a more devoted Christian, I was very unacceptable of gays and had somewhat of a prejudice. This time period was out of high school. When I moved away to college and met openly gay people, I understood I should lose the prejudice. My mind in college was more educationally and politically geared than sexually geared. When I was social about things, my mind wasn't necessarily in the gutter or perverted with the things I say. Some things and any random thing I could say was severely messed with with someone else's head in the gutter and wanting my head to be in the gutter with theirs. Most of the beginning of it was times of anger and rage of being mishad and taken the wrong way. Of course, there have been times when I have been swimming in the gutter despite what anyone would think. Anymore, I am very particular about it and see being taken certain ways more as issues of lies, robberies, issues of control, being square- pegged, and blackmailed. It's frustrating to feel a constant threat of being pegged and lied against and that you just can't trust anyone... Back to the issue of gays. .. I was probably tested by a gay man for testing sake, but he asked if I would go with him and friends to a gay pride parade. I should have just said "no," straight up. I didn't go either way. With me, it is an issue of freedom. I don't understand why men would rather be gay and women would rather be lesbian but when a person wants something and is dead set on being a certain way, freedom has always been the utmost importance. When I'm on the plate, it is a much different story. I don't fancy the thought specifically of a woman wanting to be dead set on me and me being forced to suffer for something I would never suffer for in my freedom. A person gets tired after awhile of being beat up to be on the plate so much. If honest eyes saw me, they'd see the honest despair I have in some instances of being on a plate I don't want to be on. The terror of being robbed and pegged. I know it too much.... The wall I hate that I have to hit is when a person can make a fair assumption towards me. While I hate being misunderstood and have to accept faults of a past ignorant awareness in being assumed, I have to make an assumption with someone else. I also have to ask "why?" specifically to you. Am I making too much of an assumption? You gave me reason to ask..Sarah's mouthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12903671683806036760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8995897243956146088.post-37309278095753679992020-06-11T16:51:00.001-07:002020-06-11T18:32:50.212-07:00Dear Male NurseI still can't think of another name for you. I don't know why you faded and why you are coming around again but I'm glad I have you hooked in some way. Maybe you shyed away from a lot of things happening and was doing what you feel to play safe and defined in playing safe. ~sigh~ whatever it means to play safe male nurse, whatever it means... While you still won't give in to me against your bollywood, I appreciate you for being nice in other ways: you see an impossible situation for what it is and recognize you fail me and don't make me take the fall for the way you failed me. I'm just too used to being extremely failed. You let me go without letting me go enough and I love to eat your jealousy right up... You've had me stumped for the past few days. I enjoy your bollywood company but we are still screwed with the situation. I know I still have no social and emotional physical outlet. The last guy I tried talking to on Zoosk has already given up on me because he feels I just don't feel him and am interested enough. It's like I can't try with someone if I wanted to, but most guys don't give up like that one did. It was a small break because I would rather experience that than deal with another arrogant Gadhafi pig. I wish more men would fear being called that, but they usually are too much of an arrogant pig who is focused on competition, ego, and beating, rather than winning and having sensible emotions... We're still screwed with this conversation. I'd rather try to talk to the imaginary boyfriend you are right now. The next thing I'm being led to wonder: Do you really have the ability to personally meet me? Will you know how to make me know that I know its you? How will you? As much as I want you and love the romance and company; I have you played in my head back to square one. I don't know what to do right now. You make it all the more harder for me to try the dating sites. I wish I had your actual company right now because there is a lot to talk about with life. But, you and I are just in my one-sided company right now. I am so relieved to have my amazon job. It is mostly simple and pays well and I don't think I will have to worry about tax time as much this coming year. I finally got a bonus from Lyft. It has been so crazy working that job because despite the craze of the pandemic and recent protests is that people are in desperate need for rides. Thus the bonus. Lyft had better times of giving bonuses more often but I've been without the bonuses for awhile. There just aren't as many drivers. Sometimes it makes matters seem scarier, but I can't mind too much with having the constant ride after ride business. (I've had times where it has been 20 to 40 mins in between calls. Wasted time is so stressing and frustrating. I'm so happy Mitzi is with me again. I still have worries over her and something going wrong with the world will trip us up again. ... One thing that has recently got me flustered is the ways I get threatened with lies and bullies online. The lies and bullying is never portrayed the way it is. I feel I can never make people understand the things I go through with the various ways I get kidnapped, lied, cheated, and EXTREMELY bullied to a point of suicide. I mean extreme, indescribable mean. Unthinkable unspeakable mean. I just can't get the truth said the way it needs to be said. I haven't forgotten the fact you're still my kidnapper male nurse, but you havn't made me feel cheated against enough the way some do. You're still not entirely excused from explaining your bollywood and kidnapping to me. If you wanted me and wanted to physically be with and around me, you would. The stockholm itself is its cheat that has a mystery I don't know. Whatever "patient ethics," you might want to make out of it is bullshit but you havn't made any excuse yet. Tangent of a tangent. Anyway brief facts about me and long story short: I identify as straight/heterosexual. I want to be identified as straight. I do not like to be mistaken as something else. There was a random police lady online a good while back. She was wanting to seduce me; I made no advances. She had her bollywood anyway in one instance and there was no bondage games about it. But of course, I still have some potential of looking misrepresented. I think she knew I left her in some abandon. A couple of months later: I get threatened with lies. I believe it to be Katheryn Heigl the most who wants to let herself have the random womans credit. She presents herself as my master, as well as Jade and Stacy. They literally want to stare me in the face with their self-flattery as though they not just had me in a one night stand, but have me, and give their self the most masterly credit. Code Red where I know I want to shoot someone for WHAT IS IN THE LINES AND WHAT IS ESPECIALLY IN THE LINES WITH RECENT EVENTS AND THINGS I'VE SCREAMED BLOODY MURDER FOR. Of course I'll be treated like the tran when they are the most brutally mean sadistic dead give away of a lying Gaddafi rapist. They know they get away with their shameless rapist lies. I mean I've had people who know they can get away with the worst brutality before in keeping me battered with the way they call their self my master, give their self the credit and the glory the way they say they have their rule. You may or may not know they way it feels to be treated as a tortured blow up doll until you do. .....I've had other things come and go where I would like to talk about life. I find some comfort in your cave male nurse and I'm still the victim to your lack of normalcy. Don't you ever want unload a little more on me? Can you take more than bliss that isn't blissful enough? Sarah's mouthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12903671683806036760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8995897243956146088.post-63643920624790045262020-04-27T18:33:00.001-07:002020-04-27T18:44:38.544-07:00Random Thoughts and "As the Sarah Turns"A month into the coronavirus. I have officially given up on unemployment. ...The first week in working with my rideshare company was drastically slow and scary. It has been scary since (a little less after being stigmatized and scared with the rest), but hours have greatly picked up. I'm one of the few drivers driving and its something I'm definitely jealous about. While I know I have to knock on wood and probably say several more times that things could always be worse: despite a serious demand and people waiting a long time to get a ride, rideshare driving is still unappreciated. I at least get call after call, but there is no extra pay or bonus on my end. As a matter of fact, the little bit of bonus I was getting after already making some bonus cuts, was even reduced more. Life could be worse and of course I should be more grateful that I can still earn an income while others get to stay at home, some staying at home doing nothing but collecting unemployment, or worse off some with no work and no pay. I fell through the gap in childcare. She is visiting me this week but we are temporarily separated so she can be watched with the grandparents. Its been awful to be so far away for so long. While some men may wonder how I violently break in other ways in thinking along the lines of nothing but gold-digging (like I've ever gotten anything), I just can't hold my tongue enough in the anguish I feel with the types and amount of support I've never had. Some men have never paid a bill of mine in their life and they would still have the nerve to judge or want to rule or molest me with other people who want to rule?!?!?! The fucking nerve! It has never been easy to hold my tongue. Destiny's Child "Bills," is something I just can't not think along the lines of. Trifling good for nothing type of brother. Like I don't get some clue with what could happen if I don't shut my mouth enough... Just stick with being some kind of dodo bird Sarah, just do and be the dodo bird, I tell myself. Like being forced into a hamster ball where some people intentionally do want to trick me into arrest. pft. After so many different bumps and bruises, it gets harder to care. .... While there is the general drama with this month of Coronavirus, more specifics have come about where I would have preferred to keep to myself but now feel the need to talk about some of all of the above. If it wasn't for one making me feel he needed my company more, I would be more hush, but I'm not sure what company he wants. Any kind of company. I'm just going to refer to him as Mr. VIP. I'd like to say you can say anything and let your load out, but as much as you want to make me feel vulnerable is as much of an expectation as you have. Lean on me, and if I fall over and can't support you, don't be surprised. I guess I'm still on top of your "easy ho list," (angry eyebrows) and don't really know why you would feel the need to choose me in your time. I'm some cranky match. And, I don't mean to make you feel in angst or feel threatened, I do have others on my mind right now. While this is the same bollywood story where I am most likely STILL never going to happen with any of the above in person, I make myself speak as though its almost actual real life drama. Profile man is still here. The male nurse image has somewhat faded but there is still some kind of imagery there. I have to give him the credit he is a lot like the "IF" song with Anthony Keidis in RHCP, and I make Keidis an additional fantasy crush too. He's a genius to his music. Then, a man who has been around longer, but just gruff and mean is a local bearded cop I saw one time whose name I don't know. I know he plays his self with me, but I also know he is a selfish and mean man and his only message he has for me today was "I shot you first." I think he knows I was looking at him like he was another Gadaffi and takes the "shooting" the same figurative way he takes his. He's the typical take-you-for-what-your-worth ego with "I shot you first." This is why you still have your relationship troubles with me black beard cop. The male nurse profile is still there but far too mysterious and tormenting to me. More fall off of the cliff and disappear bollywoods to get over. My poor breaking heart. Sarah's mouthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12903671683806036760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8995897243956146088.post-22078128989425398532019-11-22T18:17:00.003-08:002019-11-22T18:17:39.994-08:00thinking out loudI've been really upset this week. I think I've sunk to a severe state of depression. A lot of it is a lot of recent circumstances and some of it is long term suffering. There is a certain despair I have where the sky is not the limit and has dropped really low. The pull is strong in my despair to mold myself to the desperation more. I haven't gone to the gym in awhile and in the past 2 weeks, it is like being against my religion in going to the gym and is not going to help my health. Although there have been many times going to the gym makes me feel better and productive, when I'm depressed it is the last place I want to go. I've cried on the treadmill and elliptical before. Pain can be weakness leaving the body sometimes but why do I have to experience the specific pain that I do? Why can't I escape certain pains and keep getting stuck with the same similar pain? It's the emotional pain of course, but going to the gym makes me cry all the more. I've waited through most of the weight of depression enough and am thinking about going tomorrow. My physical health is starting to feel gross and I think I will feel more better going than not going to the gym. … This whole car robbery has already been a major bitch. More fees and red tape is coming up more. My car was taken off the map and has to get back on. I have to pay to get a new registration. I have to go through the car insurance process all over again. I have to go through both the uber and lyft process all over again. I planned on going another week with the rental that I have paid for, but I don't want to have to go through one last one. I mean expense after expense. I've had expenses punch me in the wallet before, but being severely punched in the wallet around the holidays is such a kill. I missed out on one crafting event and plan to miss out on another crafting event tomorrow. I feel I have better odds spending the time at my lyft job than taking chances on locations I won't know will work. Especially the time it takes for everything. It would have taken more of my time just for waking up that early knowing I won't make it into the late hours of the night. I hate those hours anymore but tough out the weekend night anyway for the sake of making the money. … Tonight is a perfect time to take Mitzi to Dave and Busters or the movies but I just don't have the energy to do anything. There was a Christmas event downtown tonight but I especially don't have the patience and energy for the hustle and bustle and am especially not feeling the holiday spirit right now. I feel like shit for not taking Mitzi out though. There has hardly ever been any time at all already. One of these weekends. … I don't know what to do about the man drama in my life. I know I'm in some kind of arbitrage Stockholm that I don't understand. It's too bad that Blackbeard's stranger just wasn't more normal and reachable of a person. I'm not always motivated for the searching on zoosk and am not completely satisfied with the Bollywood I have. I'm in the same standstill that I've mostly been in and am too depressed to push myself harder. Besides the depression is that I have no other choice to be such a slave to money and making ends meet and getting bills paid. Wouldn't it be great to win an enormous win in gambling? ha ~rig and fix me~ Sarah's mouthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12903671683806036760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8995897243956146088.post-206594814937169272019-10-12T21:03:00.001-07:002019-10-12T21:12:03.914-07:00Something to be happy about: Sprightly FinesseI've wished I could have traveled more and had more venues as a crafter in the past several years. I at least got to pick up some finally living here in Pittsburgh, but I wish I would have had been able to have made more of a hobby with it. Other priorities and financial demands have mattered more. Tonight I was right in center of downtown Pittsburgh, Market Square. It is a very nice location. It got very cold but the sales were better than the last one, which is more predictable to sell in the weather. Not always easy sitting in the cold that long for the number of hours. I can reflect some from the Sunday flea markets in Cumberland. It isn't the best memories having been isolated, watched, and restrained then. Although it was the only thing I was capable of enabling myself to do, I still enjoyed doing it. I have felt hunted, isolated, watched, and restrained in some instances for a long time including tonight, but I would say Market Square isn't as bad as Cumberland. People were so ridiculous, extreme, and judgmental in Cumberland. Whether I'm crafting or not crafting, it still isn't the main variable. Something follows me wherever I go. In the lightest of ways, it is like a heard echo. I'm not just hearing my echo, someone hears some things I say to my face while other messages and leads could be there but aren't always reachable or attainable if I wanted to try to figure something out. The heaviest is being judged, hunted, and over criticized. It wasn't an entirely evil night. There seemed to be some jovial atmosphere there. It's just mean for the way some people would intentionally watch me too closely to judge or hunt me. I felt very victimized and hunted in some instances where someone was wanting to force me in a corner. Somebody really wants to hurt me with how much they intentionally want me to feel interrogated, tested, and questioned. Whether or not it is the blogging that some people could have a problem with, I carry on in my own leisure anyway with giving myself that much of a license to blog over anything with the amount of isolation that I've lived with. I'm not entirely left alone, but although I'm still victimized life has improved some with being left alone and not as harassed.. I still scream to this day but earlier years were worse.... I saw the 3 present Bollywood men tonight along with the rest of the profile and it while it has always been disappointing to have the Bollywood living over me, I wasn't surprised that I still saw the Bollywood I saw. I tawt I taw. I did. There was a quick moment where there was a man who looked like Dr. Wawa was standing right in front of me. I saw him one time in Cumberland too. It was more embarrassing than to have just been a crafter in those days. I think I was too mad to care at the time with whatever impression I made on Dr. Wawa. It was like there were times his Bollywood was being aggressive for me and wanting to get my attention while I have always left him in the cold through the years, but why couldn't he just hit his own wall in his betrayal? Why did he always avoid it and act like it wasn't there? Why couldn't he see even after so many other guys that the issue of betraying me wasn't an issue he could dodge and if he seriously was wanting to be aggressive and get my attention that he really should have found something to say? While he could have been in a number of relationships through the years or even married by now, he should have understood he was his own stalwart and damnation during the times he was pursuing me. After all this time does it matter anymore? It still matters to this day. While it is so evil and unthinkably wrong for some people wanting to keep me judged in the same exact way and allow the same certain people to have reign and rule over I seriously need a fucking hero. I need a hero today just as much as I needed then. I am dying and don't let me die like that Dr. Wawa. I've probably talked too much and went too much on a brain storm but I thought to figure out something to say. Sarah's mouthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12903671683806036760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8995897243956146088.post-68231214852871216542019-06-19T12:39:00.001-07:002019-06-19T13:00:02.059-07:00All is fair in love and war? pt 3 Staying in and going out of the Danger ZoneNobody likes being gossiped about/against. Nobody ESPECIALLY likes to be in restraint or blinded when being gossiped about/against. When being restrained for a most serious enemy; it is beyond cruel and brutal..... Whatever was keeping me stared at and forced terror on me I am keeping stared down with murder....Before I go into that terrorist, I'm walking out of the danger zone with R!@k#, my present guy. He may be a little mad if he knew I were continuing on and talking about him in one way or another, but its the point to my title "All is fair...." I've been severely betrayed with too many other guys and their gossip and judgment. I'd hate the thought of him being a seriously more clean slate tainted with the worst cruel games and lies of others and it isn't even that I want him tainted or in deep with others beyond brutal games. Anyway, He and I had another good time last night. I would say it was mostly well. He was a little on the side of "I hope you're not a crazy one," but didn't get deep or elaborate with that. It was mostly a normal night and I tried to tell him more about Narnia and the closet/other world concept. We spent more time talking about other things and having fun. There was nothing about him that was keeping me tested to my face the way I was being tested on msn. He stayed an affectionate sweet talker and we still have another date. While I still can't put any of my personal judgment of belief in a worst rapist enemy on him, I will say I think he has some shadiness to him. I think he has a knowledge and knowing of me and other people. While I can't say he has pulled any trigger, I can say I think he has some knowledge. He brought up OJ Simpson last night. I asked him if he liked OJ and he had a quick response of "no" and keeping him a dogged man. The shadiness is a good and bad thing. I was saved from some feelings of loneliness and isolation, but the rest of the control he has with his knowledge and isolation is a very blinding thing. I enjoyed having a couple more laughs and kisses with him...….Staying in the danger zone. It's been an abstract thing I have had no choice over. The continued stare of terror and defiance... I feel I couldn't hate Stacy anymore with my life than what I do. Besides thinking she is severely sick and savage in the head, whatever man keeps threatening me with her is too. I would guess Jon, Don Jr., or Sidney, but some rapist bastard of a man must be helping Stacy's rapist bastard. I know some people feel they can beat other people with the worst simple statement of "it is what it is." You can't change what something is to me with Stacy, or anyone else. There is nothing more to it than that. Whomever wants to keep challenging me to Stacy's rapist bastard is nothing but a fellow rapist bastard who wants to throw another terrorizing, beyond cruel, hateful fit to my face and being a sore loser wishing they could change the way I thought or felt. I hate being forced to be provoked by this continued terrorism where someone won't stop threatening me with the way Stacy refuses to be told no and to stop. Like Stacy has the right to have her way with me; call the shots; be the dominate judge. You are nothing but a sick shameless act of rape and terrorism. I believe in details too much to ever feel like I could have an exact matching revenge. If I could have any kind of revenge against such a seriously shameless battery against my respect, I'd find some worst Butch kind of a man who has been in and out of jail several times with the worst record, worst education, and worst respect and I would have him put on such a seriously high pedestal where the bastard rapists would be forced to be threatened over anything Butch says or does. It isn't even that I would have to date or even be touched by Butch. Butch wouldn't know what it means to stop with my terrorists. Butch would never be told "no." Butch would roam free with his worst shot calling judgment and able to put them to the test in the worst way over anything, anytime. Butch will morbidly put his lies and blame for what he does on his same lied against and disgraced victims. The terrorists will be forced to take and put up with everything Butch does. They will be forced to lose to Butch with no mercy. If there was an expensively detailed revenge I could see to my face, I'd love to see my terrorists in their own worst terror. Just get bossed around with no mercy with Butch. Have salt rubbed in your wounds countless times. Feel like everything you say will always be found in deaf ears. You were always most willing with Butch.Sarah's mouthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12903671683806036760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8995897243956146088.post-55116311898048801762019-01-08T10:30:00.001-08:002019-01-08T10:30:23.042-08:00Love love loveI still won't say your name and can't think of a code name and although I will give you a degrading name of boat #15 (no code to the number) I am under a serious spell for you and want you to know how much I know I want you. Don't hate me for refusing to say no and showing no resistance. Whether or not I am too naïve for you, you are more than enough and too perfect. You already have me won over and if I lose you because of it; I am your best sport of a loser. Unless you severely make me feel betrayed, gang banged, and let down to become a dime a dozen like all of the rest, I think the world of you. I am tormented though. I know I don't completely have you and it is like you more than have the love and acknowledgment that I need. You make me feel like you want to be on my side and make me feel very held and like you want to protect me and I'm in both serious appreciation and in torment. You break my heart and my heart breaks for you. I'm not sure if I have you in torment over my younger age and that you feel I could be too impossible of a person for you to take and let win. I wouldn't say we are even in the torment department. …..I could be mistaken that you have a racy and semi violent fantasy out there for me where you make a blow up doll of me for yourself anyway. You play with the man's rules of protection and respect and keep me at the bottom of the ladder of protection and compete in that bottom blow up doll rung anyway. Sorry if I have you mistaken, but it would feel so good to be your blow up doll like that. You are a man I would naturally trust but you could have the potential not to be trusted with that. Do you really mean to have me so violently seduced? Again, don't hat me for not telling you "no." Boat #15, I wonder if you have more of war and anger for the self righteous or the judged or you have your own perfectly imperfect balance somewhere in between of your own set of rules. Do you see any of my judgement and are angered? Are you a Christian neo-fascist in some ways? Are there some common judgments against people you would never judge people for? You make me feel like you want to relate with me with just how much of a person's entire story matters and there are things that should be understood. I know I am a punished and hated person for numbers of reasons. Have you ever punished me? Have you ever wanted me to be the victim of my own judgment or is that someone else's doing that neither of us may not know. I may be rambling too far and you might not want to talk about things that are most in the role you play. You may have wanted to use me as somewhat of a vacation, but it isn't that you are against yourself that I would believe. Boat #15, you could have me anytime you want to. You could be too good to be true but you are a love at first sight heartbreak at first sight anyway. I love to feel your love. Sarah's mouthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12903671683806036760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8995897243956146088.post-31909190345750959902018-11-08T06:45:00.001-08:002018-11-08T07:04:18.430-08:00For the sake of my peace of mindI've been so angry and upset in a long term way and in the last day or two. Before I get additional threats with the worst daring threats of interrogation, I will continue to make my same shameless statement of just how blameless I will always feel. I know I have been forced to face some threats in the past couple of days and I am very blind sided to where the threats are coming from. I know I have a savage pig on my back who I can only identify as a Gadaffi and child because they have such a murderous problem that I indeed stay my number one and give myself a dominant compliment. I would assume it to be a man because they will always have the most chauvinistic right. For the rest of the audience who has any wonder, I am a deeply insulted person who knows she shouldn't have to keep putting up with the harassment and abuse. I will always see myself as a blameless person. I have already stated the normalcy I know I deserve and that only certain compromises are acceptable. The same patterns to my Zooey Deschanel "Why do you let me stay here," music video keep repeating as if I were to blame for a man's behavior and right. I feel so provoked by some men who intentionally refuse to listen and keep trying to force whatever their dominant compliments are on me and force me to be subservient. I hate that they don't understand how ugly dark and mean of a stone cold heart they have with me. I am blameless. If a man knows he won't be worth it to me, they shouldn't even bother. Yet, I am forced to suffer the same pattern and repetition of the same arrogance. It is ok to have some arrogance. I still choose to judge the majority of men to have a shameless childish intentional large level of arrogance with no fairness or common sense. I find myself to be too faultless and blameless for having always had the most intentional act. Women have always been the worst most arrogant while I know men before have wanted to beg the question "I must be some lesbian because of how unattractive and unworthy of a man I think they are." I still refuse to be a lesbian as a result of the unceased harassment and that I have never found a better and fair match. I remain a single woman who will most likely be cursed to remain single because I have no other choice than to have a huge chip on my shoulder because men won't shut their worst judgmental mouth and know how to have any heart or common sense. Sarah's mouthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12903671683806036760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8995897243956146088.post-57276570508271337082018-08-30T16:56:00.000-07:002018-08-30T16:56:06.557-07:00Tell You What....You turn me on so much and I feel like I can just melt and die at times and I know I am still in my same paranormal dilemma. Your possessiveness does not have me angry yet and I would rather you be a rough possessive man rather than some kind of competitive narc. Your possessiveness still isn't fair. I would like to say I'm yours but I'm impatient. Maybe you fear me being taken or snatched from you by another guy, and in my honesty, I fear you being taken too. I worry about being played some but you already have the marriage vice on me, so I'm not in that state of mind as I normally can be. If you are lying for the nookie; I'd rather you find some other strategy or just be straight forward. You shouldn't mess with a woman's emotions like that. I still won't say I'm officially bonified with you, but the marriage vice is your vice. I'm tired, fragile, impatient, and have a good bit of hopelessness. You keep having periods of mentally grasping me and keeping me so seduced in the head. You keep bringing me back to life with your "quell electrode" seduction or whatever those things are technically called. I'm telling you though, it happens all the time and my impatience makes my will to care fade. What are you waiting on Cisco? Are you waiting for me to say something? For me to change in some way? Are you waiting for something from someone else? What are you waiting for? Right now, I'm glad I can ask you in a kinder way, but I'm not understanding why our connection has to be this way? Why are we in the paranormal like this? I know I feel threatened with your possessiveness and your "if I dare cheat" vice (and it feels so good) but if the distance and paranormal remains the same; I will eventually take the risk of an injury, hurt, or pain if you do force me to suffer some consequences of cheating. I have been thinking of getting back on "flirt for free" with some of the free time I have in the past few days but I just can't do it right now. I probably will eventually have a one night stand or finally get a membership on some dating site finally checked off on my to do list. I probably will eventually cheat in some way or another, but don't know when my breaking point will be.... I plan on going to the game on labor day. Unless I see some kind of threat or sign to not go at all, I'll probably change my mind. I know it is impossible for you to personally meet me in the stadium, but I will show up to a game just for you. I knew you would get me hooked harder when I first started to yell at you with the way you were wanting to keep me and have been keeping me, but I'm fragile and don't want my heart to break because I get led on and let down yet again. I need you to understand that although I care for you, I have lived through the same impatient story too much and can only wait for something to happen. I can't have a relationship in just the paranormal. I need you literally and physically in my life and if there is something you are intentionally waiting for, you should know whatever it is you are waiting for. Sarah's mouthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12903671683806036760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8995897243956146088.post-32651465555379882732018-07-22T22:55:00.001-07:002018-07-22T22:55:20.182-07:00Random ThoughtsWith so much terrible things and misery going on lately; I will finally land some relief tomorrow. While I still have a load of bills; I'm getting my air conditioning fixed tomorrow anyway. That is $1,000.00 total in the past 3 months on the air conditioning. Life is so tough when major expenses come up and it has definitely been such a serious miserable experience in driving around in the heat as a delivery driver in pretty much a full 2 month period. Of all the things I'll never uncontrollably have enough of, hardships are another thing to add to the list. ….. I really can't afford this weekend coming up but am making myself anyway. It is the only time that is right. I keep putting off going to a kids day Pirate game, and I can't put it off anymore. I always put things off and before I know it, it is too late. Mitzi didn't want to go to a regular game, so I can only pick a day where it is kids day. I have my niece and nephew coming in too. It sucks that it is supposed to rain this weekend. Everything I have planned on doing is outside, so now I have to search out other options to keep the family entertained if the weather gets too bad. They are staying longer than expected and the visit will be more awkward with all of the extra time. I have limited hum drum conversation with my sister. I'll never be on good terms with her, but I'm not going to feel too guilty about anything I've said. I'm not looking to pick any fights with her but I won't be surprised if anybody makes me feel blackmailed or stockholmed in some ways. Of all the times Mitzi visits her and she hosts her; I feel more than obligated to host the kids. It matters to still have my niece and nephew in our lives.... I have a couple of hunches with this Jon guy and even theories. I'm frustrated over his mystery. There is another mysterious person who makes me have some understanding with her. She is as much as a stranger but strangely makes me feel comfortable and wants to be my friend, but it just doesn't feel right to lead her on. Jon is a questionably two faced person but can have a warm and comforting approach. I think they are both really nice and don't like leaving me alone in my isolation in the right particular way. Yet, they are distant and do not completely bridge the gap. I saw a sign about the "ICE," police the other day and didn't get the message or what even defines "ICE," and what the whole thing is supposed to mean. I'm not the one who is communicating like that; I don't know why I should be made to feel responsible when I feel like I can already outdo Bollywood with my own communication. I think ICE has some relation to Bollywood, but I don't take responsibility for Bollywood. One theory I fear about Jon is that its Sidney playing his own mysterious communication guise game which is very threatening, stockholming, evil, and mean. Another theory is that it is one particular cop or what appears to be one person that is some weird entity. If the cops are wanting to reach, connect, and comfort me I don't like the creepy entity they would be. I believe it is one to two who want to reach me with I'm not alone. Jon doesn't appear to be a judgmental kind that I can see. He seems to have a one track mind though. If Jon were a cop, I just don't think I could ever be in a relationship with a cop. I can't stand judgmental people the most. Cops just have to be judgmental like that, along with being interrogating, and too skeptical. It is too much negativity for me to additionally handle. I seriously need an emotional connection in my life. Jon you are the one who is being impossible with me. You are still too much of a mysterious stranger that doesn't have a whole lot to say to me either. You want me to do all of the talking and I technically am right now, but you are more impossible than you know. I've had to deal with too much piggish behavior than I can stand and as much as you want me to worry about what you think of me, you should worry with what I think of you. Again, I seriously need an emotional connection in my life and someone who gets paranoid about having too much of a reputation of a pig. You do not want to be a pig with me. Sarah's mouthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12903671683806036760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8995897243956146088.post-14075922920211652432018-06-28T21:36:00.001-07:002018-06-28T21:43:55.856-07:00Tales From the Crypt: Taxes and Narc WarsToday was devastating. The scammers took my time, my money, and left me angry and distraught. They were questionable from the start. They left me with the same harassing call and message yesterday where you can only call the number back. They threatened that I had committed some crime with my taxes and if that I didn't want to get arrested, I have to call back. I called back twice and was hung up on both times. So, I figured they were frightened scammers. I got a call again today which was a little more convincing and I had more than a full conversation. I knew I was innocent and hadn't committed a crime on my taxes but this guy remained insistent and said I had one initial choice of an answer if I had intentionally committed a crime or if it were my own error. I was yelling and cussing at him at some points because they were asking for their made up full amount of 5,000.00 some odd dollars. I told them I had bills to pay and there was no possible way I could pay any large sum, and then they were asking for 500.00 saying they would do monthly payments. I still said 500.00 was too much but then he asked me if I would rather be in jail for not paying or having some kind of late bill payment. I asked if I could work something out with money and call back later and he said the minute I hung up on him, he would freeze my account and send out a warrant for my arrest. I chose to be blackmailed, made a fool of, and bullied. Besides those said threats, he had me threatened in his crackhead stalker way with his crackhead interrogating judgment where he mimicked some simple statements I already made outside of the call as if they seriously meant anything. The entire time, he made it his point to judge me, seriously dog me, and boss me around. Besides him wanting to rob me, it was like the call was most focused on the constant issue of being made a basement slave and being dogged and judged in the worst way with someone's dumb crackhead violence. He was a very bold-faced and unsaid stalker. I purposely asked him if his name was "Jim." and he said no, it was some "Dominic Taylor" name. I really wanted to go at his unprofessional behavior and the way he was keeping me interrogated and dogged in the worst intentional way and made him take a hint I wanted to make fun of him. He was so life threatening, I was mostly quiet and stayed bullied. I just took it. It was another harassing and threatening assault and although it was over the phone; I knew they were watching me and stalking me. I have audibly heard stalking comments before and it used to come as a most life threatening shock, but I've grown numb to a lot of possessive threats over the years. I still feel more terrified at sometimes more than others. I was a little terrified, but a little bit of a shameless mocker. I was a real hostage. I drove all the way to Kmart and then to my house while he waited for me to do what he told me. ………… Had it been Jim's doing, I wouldn't be surprised if he has some insiders in the IRS who would let him get away at charging me with whatever dollar amount. I believe him to be a most dominant Gaddafi Moammar who wants to beat me to death over his totalitarian ways. Who was I ever to reject him or the people he valued? Who was I to ever test the idea of being a prostitute when he more than feels he should force his rapist prostitution on me that I should pay for. I'm the one who has to pay a price, not Jim ever. He wants to protect his wealth and the wealth of his "queens." If that means corruption and death threats to the utmost extreme to keep his and his others protected, he will put my life on the line for his tyranny. Jim and Justin. Justin means it with his narcism the most and has the most severe rage at any hint of me thinking I'm too good for the either of them. It is most believably them or someone else out there who will put my life on the line for their tyranny. I hate that I have to believe in Sidney's association with them and the possibility that they were being murderously and hatefully gay against me together and it is such a murderous poison of Sidney's to have wanting to keep sleeping with me like it was nothing. I think Jim wants to own Guantanamo whether it is on purpose or not. I'm not surprised with Jim's sadism at all. I couldn't get over Sidney would be the next gang banger like I never existed and had no history. It was so brutally mean of Sidney to be such a straight up nigger like that. I could be assuming too much and getting fed lies, but it sounds like something that is possible to believe. Its sick of them to know things and keep acting like I'm that nameless. Sidney seems to have killed to have so many inhumane crimes against me that I seriously can't have anymore to say to him. He looks like he has the most severe hate against me where he probably does want to have his own hate club. He poses as severely ignorant sometimes but I can't get over he would be that ignorant with me.... Sarah's mouthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12903671683806036760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8995897243956146088.post-42413656808411498192018-05-15T21:24:00.003-07:002018-05-15T21:26:39.924-07:00random thoughts: Enough is never enoughI was surprised today with all of the things I got done around the house before I started my work day. With the least bit of things I had to do, I usually don't get out of the house until much later. I slept in and Mitzi had the day off on top of that. Some days can be very frustrating as an uber driver. I mostly make decent money, but there are days that the time just doesn't add up. I recently started with regular uber driving in the taxi sense and I mostly like the steady flow of it better. The difference is: I am sitting in my car the entire time. I've only been doing it for a couple of days and want to look up some kind of butt pad on Amazon. I just can't stand not being able to walk that long. The lucky convenience I have is doing just deliveries or a combination of riders and deliveries. On the downside, my air conditioner has another broken part once again and I have to fork out another 200.00 for it. I'm so upset over it. I desperately need the cool air. It was so rough without it and still is..... I can only do deliveries without it. I just can't put a customer through that....... I was wanting to go to church this past Sunday and was almost able but I just had too much to do and was too tired. I am still looking for a home church but haven't been able to do a lot of looking. I most especially need Mitzi to have more connections in her life and need Christianity more in her upbringing. I'll always live with or without the connections. ......... Right now, I feel more single than I have in a long time. I'm not complaining and it feels great. I may eventually feel a pain of loneliness as I usually do from time to time. No steady Bollywood boyfriends either and I would rather not be involved in that at all. I still care to find a man, have a father figure living in a normal home, and having another kid or 2. .............. Back to the job. I still can't think of another job I would rather be doing right now. Having the time for anything is the toughest thing though. It is so frustrating to not have the time for anything. I didn't go to the gym at all last week and might only be able to go for just one day this week because I have to wait to get the air conditioner in my car fixed again. I just started with the regular uber and my schedule may eventually be a little different, but busy driving times are not always predictable and can only wait to work around the available calls. I wasn't always able to start as early or finish as early as I want to. .......
Sarah's mouthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12903671683806036760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8995897243956146088.post-75364997304564220432018-04-02T10:41:00.000-07:002018-04-02T10:43:21.825-07:00Answering Only One QuestionI hate I can only say that I'm used to arbitrage and constant social structures. Nothing about it has ever been fair enough and my hands will always be tied behind my back in one way or another. There is restraint; whether or not I'm the only one who is being restrained... With the way somethings were set up today; it wasn't the most seriously threatening. I do not feel completely betrayed. While I know I have never seen Bree Ann's entire judgment; I know she is a judgmental person and it is agreed that she is being called judgmental. Whether or not it will cost me my new job, this is the only answer I have to any question: yes Bree Ann is my savage bastard enemy. I will not be subjected to her judgment. I will never feel like I am the one who needs to be treated like I'm the criminal. With what was being questioned was a very savage and offensive question and I have no denying my fantasy of wanting to beat the shit out of her savage crack headed trash talking mouth. I have other enemies who I know are savagely judgmental and morbidly jealous of the basement slave I'll never be and the authority I have never treated them too. Bree Ann is one of my most mocked "superiors." The most guilty of wanting to make me into their basement slave in one way or another with several different methods other than being a savage judge in wanting to beat me into submission are Jon, Denny, Justin, Jim, Stacy, and John A. Lies, judgements, exploitations, harassments, stalking is something they all do. I know I have more enemies; these are my most common dominate savages. I may have answered more than one question, but if I am forced to be beat by someone's continued savage totalitarianism, than I will knowing it's not that I'm even willing. I will continue to have hope that I will be rescued. I can only be rescued. I will not see myself as a criminal or someone who deserves to be made into a basement slave. Sarah's mouthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12903671683806036760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8995897243956146088.post-13661768021123343402018-03-12T17:12:00.001-07:002018-03-12T17:15:41.421-07:00Random Thoughts and Man DramaI think I'll start with the man drama first..... Whoever has been the one playing the leader of the match-making games in the arbitrage has always been a fuck up and the relationships have never worked because of how the communication and terrible relationship format has always been. I don't know who is the mother of all Stockholm kings that will ever think any of the bollywood relationships would work. I'm not happy with the way things ended with Scott either, (but for the sake of communication), while he could have been another tool to a label of "Scottish men," I meant to target the Guantanamo Scots the most. Not all Scottish have been the worst arab terrorist, but some need to watch their backs with what their sharia laws are and why are they stockholming me and not in a normal relationship with me? Whose follower are they where I will always be stuck in the same relationship pattern? Scott, I'm not begging for you back. I still see you as a stranger who does look like he could be showing some serious red signs, but I couldn't label you as my Jihadi Guantanamo man that I know of. There is no denying you thought I was your right in another light, but you're not the worst Scott and you're not the number 1 person on my list that I would like to castrate and who knows, maybe we're not talking about the same Sam? Anyway, I think the rest of the relationship is most likely a lost cause but I just didn't want you to think that I have the most extreme hate against you as I do some guys. You seem like a typical Bollywood goat man who I have already cheated on with other bollywoods and goat men but I don't extremely hate you. ............ Not sure what is going on with Travis right now. I've had him on my mind a lot but I would guess things will most likely fade as all Bollywood relationships don't work. As much as I resist the Bollywood, I can't help but like some feeling of some companionship and comfort. He's just going to break my heart. I both need him and need to get over him. ......... Work. Super stressed because full time is now part time going into this next month. I will be juggling 3 part time jobs until I find a full time. I'm already getting ready to get started into my resume and am still anxious with wherever I will pick to work and the anxiety of waiting in the meantime. ..... I've also been anxious to get to the gym and just might have the time soon and I'm going to be getting into a diet hard. I want to get some muscle tone going first. It has been so hard to watch the weight with the crazy always on the go schedule I've had but I feel better skinny. just random thoughts, it is a lot of work to diet effectively and it is more difficult when I still have too much going on............. Sarah's mouthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12903671683806036760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8995897243956146088.post-8826926042868482032018-02-14T17:59:00.001-08:002018-02-14T18:08:13.005-08:00Yes I'm looking back With some furthered Resistance....................
I was going to make my thoughts a little more careless and negative but it looks like today has already been too negative with the school shooting and I have a shared sympathy and I will soften my thoughts up more where my mind steers.... I'm really not thinking anything can get anywhere now with any guys right now, but I'm in pain and in a present state of submission. I still have such a hard time in saying your name and I'll just have to call you Superman for now. While I don't feel any severe pain right now, I think things may eventually get more painful and I don't think relationships should have to be so hard. ... Did you really treat yourself to some kind of fix because you ruined your Billy Idol by either being gay, or calling me your tran? You did one of the two and I hate being called a tran. It really puts my wall up. You could appear to have some kind of regret and shame, but why did you ruin your Billy Idol like that? Where did you come from and why would you lead me on to let me down? Are you someone's follower, or you have a planned gangster hate attack? (almost along the same lines and probably association with the Pens)... Right now, anything I have to say about the issue of "crackhead love," is only in motivation to be real and have a one on one. So maybe, some people feel they have a need to prove something: maybe it is some sort of emotional proof where a person is just downright vulnerable with: "I can't handle what I've done and I did something so wrong and am in an emotional wreck because of it".... There are several different reasons I strive to be as perfect as I can, but when I miss the mark and can't always be Mrs. perfect, I don't see why I should take on an additional problem; develop a bad habit; do something that isn't really going to solve anything. (I really was going to talk in more negative terms. I really had some real insults that I wanted to lash out with sex, drugs, and rock and roll baby. I'll refrain from my own angry and violent indulgences and just leave it as: I don't like the fascist thought of being seduced into a habit I don't need. Maybe it's all on you and there is nothing influencing about it, but you know I've had some serious and severe problems I've run into after all. You know life is definitely not a cake walk on my end. Maybe you have your own blacklisted comedy where you want to just be my "drug lord," prop as I was telling Sidney in a much earlier conversation..... I don't know why you would compare yourself so much to freaky Petey. I would be careful with the name game if I were you and it isn't always safe to compare people, especially when some communications are so broad and even mysterious on my ends.... You know, I am a little seduced by the thought of sedation and roofies. lol not really too much to be seduced if I would be sleeping anyway but I don't want you to feel entirely shot down and have some heart for you on this Valentines Day. It isn't that I feel I would even need to be sedated but you make me feel a heaviness anymore and the more I know, the more pain I could most likely be in on top of the pain I'm in. Ignorance isn't my bliss either. Leaving me alone and in the dark is heavy and painful too. Shame on me for teasing you and the potential of you wanting to play with that gateway of sedatives. I won't make you feel entirely alone, but if you like to be seduced into those habits, you are. I'm not going to have any political contests or debate with drinking vs. drugs. I do drink and it is all of the habit that I need. It is as far as some satisfaction can get. Drinking can't always satisfy, neither will "other habits." I'm sorry. I just think your appeared approach today was funny looking and I already hate myself some for using my time on you when you show so many bad signs and I feel like you could be a waste of time. I'm taking the time on you and I'm sorry for how mean that is to say, but if you really want to keep me around, I need a better lead than what you give. I could have been your mistake WITH YOUR LACK OF SELF CONTROL who feels HE MADE A MISTAKE WITH ME yet WANTS TO BLAME ME BY HUMILIATING ME WITH CALLING ME A TRAN OR CHEATING ON ME BY BEING GAY WITH A MAN. YOU BULL DOZED ME TWICE ALONG THOSE LINES OF THOUGHT. I'm not telling you to give yourself another fix or take another hit. I'm just telling you to think a little more about your own recklessness and I hate the idea of you wanting to take me down without a fight anymore than what you have. There is a certain way where you look like you care and want to be at the right place and at the right time, even when you want to be here for me in a way where I don't want you to be. You look like you try to show you care about me in a certain way, but I have so many things going on right now where your acura just isn't making the mark enough. Happy Valentines Day Superman. You make me mad but I hope I brightened your day in some ways and can't say I would be too upset if I hadn't. Whether or not you like me enough to stay on your toes for me; I leave myself no other choice towards you. You like someone enough or you don't Superman.Sarah's mouthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12903671683806036760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8995897243956146088.post-21250852299599952302018-01-10T15:34:00.002-08:002018-01-10T15:37:14.346-08:00Here I Go Again: Bollywood DogfoodI am not saying this person's name. While I consider a lot of bollywoods the same, some are unique in their own right. This situation is a little different though. I think he could be chained in the arbitrage somehow to Erin's cousin Ryan, but I'm guessing only a military or FBI agent would know how to thumb around with Bollywood identities. So, how much of a clue it is, is limited to some anonymous people........ While it is not in reference to Erin's cousin, I have had this situation before, and it is still as terrifying as the last, but I'm going to talk about him and help him to his dog food anyway.... First off, he keeps me second guessing if he is really real or not. He is just as quiet as I am. I can only second guess if he is real or someone else is messing around in my head. There is a lot about him to guess at, so I get a little frustrated, because I can't stand to stay in the same stand still anymore. There are two things that I know, but one of the two still leaves me questioning his sincere lust because I can't believe he is real yet. If he is, I could assume he is much of a player. I could strongly guess that he has some fear of me too, but a different fear of me. If he wants me in his player drama, he has his own unfair way of just grabbing and throwing me for himself. With both the arbitrage and other random reasons, I'm doubtful that things could work for us, but a lot is still in the air. I'm upset over one thing I'm sure I know and I don't understand the why or what. I am waiting for him to know why he needs to be the one to make the move and make me get or believe something and if he is coming from somewhere. .................. Sarah's mouthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12903671683806036760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8995897243956146088.post-91501876264628912452017-12-20T14:14:00.002-08:002017-12-20T14:21:41.390-08:00The Death Eaters: Truth or NotSome people may have read the Harry Potter books and know what I'm talking about when I mention "The Death Eaters." In literal terms, I would call these people: people who put the most terrible and hyper-negative thoughts in your mind with the intention of wanting you to commit suicide. I'll just keep calling them the death eaters anyway. There have been a couple of nights where my mind has been plagued by some death eaters. While I know they speak the truth in some ways I can't deny and know I won't guide it the way they want me to guide the severe negative thoughts, there are other questions of high doubt and disbelief that I also get terrified with. There are two death eaters I can identify but just can't say in this paraphrase....... The fact is: I am out to protect myself. I have told some people who have wanted to drive me to suicide before that they can only murder me and I would never die for their sake. .................... I've got some drama with Ben. I know I have been treated to some fairness with being called a "schiz," in other times. Bollywood can make itself very obvious. However, if Larry were to choose to chase me and demand that he know where my questions of him cheating or being gay come from, I still have no other choice to plead "schizophrenia," with a most sarcastic murder and undertone to the people I know break in my mind. The fact is, I know I am being unfairly played. I broke up with Larry for the second time today. I had mentioned to him before that I feel I have things I can't trust about him, but have never had enough to have a full distrust of Larry. I still know I liked him, but I put it on Larry anyway. If Larry had wanted me enough, he wouldn't have so many rules, he wouldn't have been so judgmental. This is one thing I can figure out about Larry and that I don't like how he reacts to me. I'm not going to gossip much more about Larry. I'm upset over some of his dryness but I know there have been times where I have been forced to deal with an even more mental dry rape with the way other people deny things, the ways I feel raped to death and murdered, and the nerve of people to feel like it is on me to feel there is something wrong with my security after I was already attacked. People just didn't understand the blame and the rape of theirs that they wanted to put on me and they wonder why I don't trust or believe in them...... I have so many different tangents of anger right now. Besides death eaters being death eaters, some Bollywoods never stopped being bollywoods and what I am most angry with is the impossible way Bollywood wants to corner me, make my life impossible, make me feel at fault for the things I know I have no control over, and the way I can't stand up to the blackmail or the consequences when Bollywood wants to compare its most unfair world to my own personal real world. I'm mad at the Bollywood men in my life. I know Ben has no real relationship or fairness to offer. A few hockey players have no real or fair relationship to offer. I knew I knew better than to further get involved with anyone. Larry wants to blame me for the sabotage. I blame Larry for the way he wants to judge and criticize me. I blame the unfair and manipulative games of Bollywood. I hate the selfish stockholms of the wealthy and famous. While I know I can't win with Bollywood and a few others, I told Larry that I knew I couldn't win with him no matter what I said or did either. When I have suspicion and distrust, I just do. I do wish Larry would have had a better reaction to it. I wish he would have comforted and sided with me more. I can't stop thinking that he is with another woman........................ While I have some peace of mind in not feeling as buried alive; I have some anger against the most murderous dominate gossip judges and liars because I feel I have no other choice than to keep myself exploited. Just can't win no matter what I do. I know I've been taken hostage several different ways: I can only lose. Sarah's mouthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12903671683806036760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8995897243956146088.post-85010069053548025382017-09-11T18:07:00.000-07:002017-09-11T18:16:33.232-07:00Random ThoughtsIt feels so good to be caught up with some things. Keeping my head above water is sometimes a struggle some days more than others in various ways, but I feel a little caught up. I almost wished I would have waited another month or two before I moved. I would have been more prepared, had more saved, and might not have had to take out at least one loan. I really wanted to be more settled with Mitzi before starting school, but I've been working too much. I was so anxious to get out of Cumberland. I guess I would rather be in the more stressed condition I'm in, than to have waited another month, but trying to have a better budget is easier said than done with things coming up. I hope I will be able to afford myself better soon. I at least got a load off of my to do list this past week, and even cleaned out my microwave which wasn't even planned. I have some magazines from July to catch up on, but its good to get more out of the way in my free time so that when I have the free time it feels like actual free time where I can kick back and relax. Free time is highly valued with me lately which has been a little taken for granted in my younger years. I just don't have it enough. I'm still anxious that I have to refrain on my crafting this year because I probably am out of time with the more local ones and need to get caught up on my bills. I just can't stand the thought of having all of these scarves and hats during the fall season that I keep in my own storage shelves. I have a crafting consignment shop in Cumberland where I have some display, but sales there aren't as comparable to sales at festivals. I may have the time to look at a few local consignments, but a lot look too much like a thrift or pawn shop where people are looking for something super cheap. I may eventually look through more art/craft or boutique stores, but some researching takes a good bit of time. If I found one, I'd still have to plan for it in a more thorough way where I will have to have a more organized inventory. Thoughts thoughts,.... still don't know where I'm going to keep the rest of my stuff. I might want to plan a home party, but the parking is very sketchy here and I'm so afraid that they will tow someone's car. It is a bit of a walk to park in a further public parking lot..... Drama. Don't I want somebody to love? Shouldn't I better find somebody to love? Sometimes it's nice to not have to stress as much over some men. I'm still stressed with Mike and it probably will be likely for it to fade out. I can't stand feeling stabbed in the heart and I don't like it when I have to stab a man in the heart either. Right now, if it looks to be any sign, the question is: how much am I going to leave Mike for dead? I seriously don't believe any stories with child pornography. Maybe it is someone else's structured vindication where they are either being too ridiculous about his original comment of wanting to treat me like a child, or he was running his mouth again where he was having the same foulmouth and now he has to eat his own words for keeping me screwed around with and lusted after hostage. I'm glad that they said it was false info where he wasn't my "Jack Nicholson." That was a good sign. But that's the judgmental slander he gets for running his mouth with me and wanting to call me a child. I don't know. It isn't my structure though. Other than smacking him around for being a gang banger, if I could choose my punishment to him, I'd want him to be forced to see it my way and smacking him around a little with the karma and eye for an eye. I really do hate the way people believe in karma and eye for an eyes because some people are so inadequate with how they would compare with the eye for an eye. When some people just don't understand how betraying it feels and the stab in the heart it is to be gang-banged, it is like: do whatever it takes to make them wake the fuck up. I can't stand the way some men don't get if they are supposedly into a woman, they should act like it and act like they have some real value for her. I don't like it when some men like the relationships where there is a lot of fighting, bickering, polar opposites and at negative odds. Why do they feel the thought of relationships should be so made fun of? What was ever so wrong with romance or mutual friendliness? I probably am taking myself too far with Mike right now, but I just didn't think the most basic and normal loyalty I would at least ask for was never asking for too much. Of course, I probably do ruin the rest of the thought with the way I verbally assaulted him back and told him I would keep him murderously dogged as the last gangbanger and wanted to rape his wallet. He might want to recognize just how much of a stranger his is to me and I am to him, but if a man means to keep a woman gang banged, what is there to ask or expect of his loyalty? I've mostly been his quiet hostage this past week and still feel at a dead end where there just hasn't been any resolve: I've only been a hostage. My heart breaks some with the thought of him being a sleaze with and keeping other women played with me, but I havn't given myself anymore hope of thinking he would come around or meet any of my expectations. Hope hurts. I can't always keep myself from hurting over him being a player, but with my continued lack of hope, things will probably fade more in a certain amount of time. ...............As much as I have finished my to do list, I still have other things left to do...signing off....Sarah's mouthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12903671683806036760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8995897243956146088.post-17250403313503790572017-07-11T18:23:00.001-07:002017-07-11T18:28:07.344-07:00Random ThoughtsI am so glad to have the internet working finally. I waited too late to start the cable and should have made the call sooner, but I lived. Life has been hectic but I expected it to be like that and it still is. Work work work work work. da da da da da I've got my main things moved in, but still have yet to move some things and have to wait it out to buy more furniture and other random items a piece at a time...... Bam Bam has arrived. I may not need to get him a dog walker at all. The bathroom seems to work for him..... While there is always some negatory things going on; I have good news for myself: My temporary full time job is now a permanent full time job! Great news for me. I can get benefits now. I have desperately needed the insurance but have to wait 90 days for it to kick in... Safety safety... Monday night at the night job was a shitty night though. I'm hanging on the skin of my teeth with a couple of bucks to get me through the day time tomorrow and hopefully the rest of the night through Thursday. While I could have some hateful stalkers who are reading this and would love the opportunity to rub salt in my broke busted and disgusted wound, I am being a temporary beggar to the other people who like me better and live closer. Will someone spot me and help a working woman out tomorrow night when I work? I have bad nights every once in awhile. I usually have some saved back up money but I've done blown it all on the move and my regular bills. I just wasn't tight enough with my money. ~sigh~ shit happens~ While I'm still not crazy about my daughter spending time with my parents; I'm probably going to let her go for the weekend. I've done nothing but work and will still be working on Saturday but I seriously need some more personal "me," time. A lot of it will be getting this apartment put together, but I think I'm going to plan on going out and going out cheaply. I may go to a bar or two in my area. There is one in particular I have heard of and then I may hit the casino or find out some crazy club I can explore. I'm just not going to explore some new sex club I just recently heard of. I hear it is like a public sex party that is wilder than a strip club. I think I'd strictly just explore it. Maybe I'll have a really depressing and trashed nights one of these days where I would go to that club as a "fuck it all," distraction. I don't know. I don't know what I'll get into this weekend, but I can't wait for my next paycheck and getting this place more together and going out on the town. I need a break. Sarah's mouthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12903671683806036760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8995897243956146088.post-13473281311114387462017-06-20T10:33:00.000-07:002017-06-20T10:34:51.149-07:00Jimmy and the PeopleWhoever the "people," are with Jimmy. You know Jimmy, whether you mean to be or not with Trump, I see you as a relief and peace of mind. While you could want to manipulate me with feeling like an underdog or loser, I will kill to hear anything other than looking like I'm the most submissive, subservient, geisha, and in a sincere or willing defeat. I don't like Trump and seriously wouldn't compare myself to him, but I'd rather be called Trump than any of the other above. It was a long term kill and it was like all I ever heard was Chance's, David's, and Bradley's worse unbearable defamation of character that I was that much of a willing Geisha, in defeat, and as if the worst of the worst sincerely thought I felt sincerely beat or sincerely won and on their side. You just don't know how buried alive I feel as if I act like I'm anything but my own boss and my own. There have always been other people that thought they had me owned. It will be a good long while until I feel any kill in being made fun of with Trump, and it isn't that I would say I'm on his side. It was a matter of me being cut throated and taken in other worse ways. I hate the ways people have always wanted to put the responsibility on me and how they choose to take me. I don't see myself as an aggressive Atilla the Hun rapist as I still do the other cut throats and there was never any comparison. What a cheap way some people think they can win just because they have some sort of aggressive behavior. I'm my own defense and self-owned person. When I know something isn't fair; I know something isn't fair. I don't like being tested in certain ways. I don't like the unfair and blind-siding expectations people have. I hate the worst manipulations "as if I'm insecure because I will not take much action with the unknown." I proudly know when I'm too smart for someone. I get murdered for not being a fool; I get murdered for being a fool. Some violent bastards do force me into such a sick hateful lose-lose situation. I hate losing to my inferiors Jimmy, and more power to me for knowing the better more common sense head I have on my shoulders. Fuck the tyrants. I'm not sure how much you are including the penguins with your people. I'm not quite understanding all of the arbitrage. I always try to give some people a benefit of the doubt, and if there was any message I would want the penguins to understand is that I have been around the block a few time with stockholms and arbitrages. Because I see a situation for what it is; I give myself whatever right and entitlement I know I deserve. I'm upset if there is any further involvement with Stacy with the Penguins. I will always think Stacy is a sick inferior-minded totalitarian rapist and there is nothing anyone can do about the serious level of disgust I have against her cut throat lies, confidence, and entitlement. She is also guilty with her own violent Muslim ATK sexual assaults, besides her gang rapes and harassments. I want to put more pressure on Mike or any other possible person who could want to threaten me with her to cut to the chase if there is anything to cut to the chase with. Maybe the Penguins are being hijacked by Justin or Jim's rapacious arbitrage, but I have some paranoia with the Penguins when it comes to her. I'm mad if they are trying to blind side me and trying to keep me tricked and gossiped against with Stacy. I would severely drop Mike so quick if he had any association with her and make him understand how vehement I would be if he means to have any nerve with me. I would mean to stab the rest of his confidence in the jugular throat. figuratively speaking. depending if he has any real threat or intent. Sarah's mouthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12903671683806036760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8995897243956146088.post-14011303459340996142017-05-27T20:13:00.002-07:002017-05-27T20:28:26.882-07:00As the Sarah Turns: And Poof!ugh signs... talk is talk. When some talk has an obvious message and is questionable, the main thing is: it is talk that is coming in to more question. I talked to a "Ray Ray," last night, and there is honestly no real interest from me to the literal person. But, since some arbitrage gossip is still in question, I'll continue to run myself off of my next cliff. "Ray Ray" appeared to still have some interest in Stacy. While I do see Stacy as a continued inferior and with some serious immaturity, we are not high school "mean girls," we are "murder bitches," and it is kill or be killed for life. It is seriously not safe for any man to keep me provoked with Stacy. She is my stalker and harasser and will kill to get away with whatever tormenting gang rape she can get away with. I don't like some other questionable signs with Mike having some connection or shares with Jim either. I know Jim is a nigger. Jim, Justin, Stacy, Jon, Shawn, and John are all cut throat, stalking, harassing haters who should be treated as a gang rapist Muslim who believes in their sharia law and supremacy. They will always be the worst desperate slobs of judgement who will always want to desperately stay on top while they have the worst lies or most desperate damning truth where they want me to be damned to their sense of chauvinism and supremacy S-H-A-R-I-A C-O-N-V-E-R-T L-A-W. Those are a handful of people I would feel like I'm being ganged up on and murdered to death, but I could throw in a few other names...........Mike, I can't say I think you're a dumb man yet. This is one worst impression of an instance; but instances like this almost want to drive me insane. (Besides this is the fear that some other random vain men are still out there running around being pigs with credit like I cared or they seriously had my heart). I've been past the point of dry heaving in disgust, I can really only expect the worst, but I can't stop the fight against always expecting the worst. Although I'm getting older; I still hope for days that I can expect better. Anyway, because of the way some dominance and pidgeon-holing stays the same, I can only be a pidgeon-holed self admitted loyalist that does demand loyalty. I'd have thought more men would have had more common sense by now when it comes to me, but I'll have to lower my bar a little and say I can only expect loyalty. I know I've had higher labels where I understand what it means to have a smart sense of balanced maturity, and it isn't even that I feel I'm lowering myself when I know I continue to say "no," to the gang-raping rapacious behavior. And Mike, I can only give you some benefit of the doubt where I can't believe that you would seriously have as much of a sick motive as the others, but I wouldn't keep testing me like that if I were you. I used to idealize in having a man who had a more than decent level of emotional integrity, but when I feel I have gone too long with too few of men in understanding what it means to have any kind of emotional common sense? People just don't understand how heavy that is and the way I can get depressed. IT'S NOT THAT I'M ASKING TO BE LIED TO EITHER! I'm the most pidgeon-holed into having the most serious expectation of loyalty where it is mostly focused against my enemies, but it is also shut the f&*k up! with all the judgement and threats. Just shut the fuck up and act like you care for me and are on my side, and don't keep me so sickly underestimated either. Does every other man really want to hear a broken record of Tina Turner's "What's love got to do with it?" Why the hell were some men ever in my life? I'm in a little bit of a rage right now and I don't mean to look at every man in the room as my "sharia law jihadi," I was a little triggered to be set off...... and because that was all said I feel I can only disappear and be back to an even more "single" square one. Poof! I'm not with anyone. Sarah's mouthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12903671683806036760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8995897243956146088.post-20231151855856842192017-04-24T15:16:00.001-07:002017-04-24T15:30:31.673-07:00For the Sake of Trying: I might be too realSidney, I do feel a little pale~ and at some loss of energy and hope. I've been burned a lot and sometimes it really is tough to make myself keep trying and keep caring. There are times I want to be left alone for a good long time and times where I seriously have no hope in ever having any good or real relationship.... A reminder that I don't know what to believe in the arbitrage. It's what you guys will always get for never representing yourself in person: me being questionable, some disbelief and doubt. Sidney, it looks like you and your girlfriend are the most serious of all and I'm just not understanding what your continued prowls are. Maybe you guys did get eloped or something, but what am I supposed to do when I feel pursued by you? I'm not into open relationships at all and I especially hate feeling like a concubine. What is saving you is your aggression and the fact that you're not married. I would have more of an understanding for your will to act like you care if your status was more single and dating, but you have had a long term primary girlfriend. I do feel burned by you after these past couple of days and an instance. I've felt good vibes and bad vibes. I'm not sure how burned by you I should feel but I have just been tired of all the games. I don't have any strong expectations of you, but what I've been needing is a hands down, serious, unquestionably sold win where a man knows how to do things my way without the Bollywood. Easier said than done, and usually when a man is too serious too soon, it scares me off. .....I don't talk about my enemies all the time, but I definitely know that I have them. Whether or not it is Bradley Cooper or David Duchovny messing with me, I despise them both. I would deem them both my sore loser because I refuse to let them have their way with me. I see them as a terrible alpha chauvinistic tyrant who is too vain and dense to understand just how ugly and piggish their demands are. They have left the worse impression on me, and I hate their distant subjective threats. I know I've seen some of Bradley's arbitrage around. He probably is pissed with how much I've told Paris to shove it, but it's their own problem for not wanting to give up on their tyrant ways. Shove both their tyranny. Shove David's sick tyrant. I have some enemies that wants to put me in the worst despair and/or humiliation to force me into a drug fix. Some gangster drug lord is out to get me. Sidney, if you want to save me, lying will seriously not save me, it will make me very very angry........ Sidney, are you really in it to make me feel more despair or humiliation in the most intentional way? Please don't tell me you have a share with David or Bradley. ......... I believe in monogamy. While I have nobody that I personally have any marital intentions with right now; I seriously believe in monogamy. I'm so sick of the games some people play. I can be a little bit of a hypocrite at times in game playing, but I'll understand some complications along with my own personal life complications. I'm still just tired of it all. In non-married relationships, I expect some seriousness to them. Faithfulness has always been a big deal, even though I get the wind of hope knocked out of me often. Some guys have just expected me to put up with some of the worst unfaithful relationships LIKE IT'S NOTHING TO BE CHEATED ON. Eventually, everything is nothing. .......... I don't know if the Kyle "iSpy," song was really from you or not, but I really like that song. I could almost question if a man wants to make me feel like an underdog on purpose, but I really like some of the lyrics to it. lol maybe you were wanting to get me with an indecent marriage proposal, and I should take some of my other thoughts back. lol. not that I would see it as indecent in the song, but with the Bollywood of it all. I'm really not against having friends. It's probably harder for a single woman to have friends than it is for married couples or just couples. I have several reasons that are difficult for me to have friends. If I find some friends, I do, but I'm not going to care too much about not having any. I like the idea of a man wanting to have me all too himself and possessive in some ways. Even then, there is still some forms of possessiveness that I don't find attractive at all. I would hope a man does know how to have the right kind of mind for me. ... I'm really not going to give myself too much of a hope right now or lead myself on too much. I still think you want your girlfriend the most. If there are lines to draw in being played or led on so much to just go for it, I'm just not going to go for it right now. It isn't anything too personal against you Sidney, but I just feel too tired and too burned a little with you and some past instances with some other guys. I'm still contemplating on coming to one of your next upcoming games soon, but I'm not sure whether I will or not. ............
Sarah's mouthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12903671683806036760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8995897243956146088.post-60301146784721568732017-04-02T08:43:00.002-07:002017-04-02T08:52:25.043-07:00Random Thoughts and my own two centsI'm so excited for my spring and summer craft season this year. I'm anxious to get some things done I've yet to finish doing because I have to wait it out a little, but I am quite optimistic. I was so upset yesterday because I messed up with two of my gourds. While I accidentally dropped one of my gourds, I never thought gourds were fragile and breakable. I was able to super glue it back together, but I'm no longer going to put it up for sale because you can tell it broke and was glued back together. I gave it to my mom. lol. With my other gourd, I wasn't following directions enough with my sealer finish and didn't realize that I had to shake the can for an entire minute before spraying it on my gourd. It had a terrible chemical reaction to the paint. At first, I treated it as an entire ruin and was so upset at not just the waste of money but waste of time. I painted a different design over it and it all worked out. It is an expensive and timely mistake to have screw ups with some of my crafts. It isn't as cheap as scribbled paper. I'm still looking into a few different locations and waiting back for my picks. I'm not sure how many I will be able to do yet. I'm not sure if I will be able to do them all but as many as I can.... I seldom talk about some of my own two cents with people. I don't like to come across as being preachy or too boringly opinionated. Most people have opinions about something, but even I don't always like to hear people rambling about some of their opinions. I see myself as being in my own unique situation, but I'm sure I'm not the only Bollywood woman alive. I hate Bollywood and the way it works. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. There is too much gossip and here say and no real talk. I never know where half of the gossip comes from. People seriously expect me to buy into too much of it. I sometimes will question some talk, or conversate with some talk, but I more so hate feeling overpowered by it, or further enabling the Bollywood gossip and here say. I don't always read all the articles either and even the ones I do post. Sometimes, the title or face value of a message is usually all the time I have for. Anyway, this is part of fueling my fire: http://www.msn.com/en-us/video/tunedin/beware-of-this-robocall-scam/vi-BByYkys .... Some gossip is heavy, overpowering, and I am sometimes forced to believe in it. Where does it all really come from though? It's like some people don't want to understand enough that I really do not know where this comes from. How could some people expect me to be so easy with Bollywood and keep the given value of a person to person conversation so overlooked? How could people not want to understand how much more of a person to person reality is that much more of a matter? Yet, people not only want to just bullshit with some Bollywood, they seriously expect you to buy into it more and be more of a sellout for it. I know there are people who want to be in control of the drama. I have been so mad at the control a person has to have over any relationships and drama and whatever right they think they have with either the drama or the agenda. I don't even know who I am talking to half of the time. I have always had no other choice to make Bollywood and the relationships in Bollywood a joke. I make more of a joke out of it sometimes more than others and will take some of it seriously or to heart sometimes, but Bollywood still lacks so much of a real felt reality. This is my two cent personal rant, whoever I could be referring to at any time. It's the same with any Bollywood man. ............... Speaking of gossip and Bollywood was that baseball sign a real sign from my latest Bollywood boyfriend? Once again, I hate the way I feel the enabler to the gossip but maybe someone is keeping Jon's or my other "robots" gossip/rumors/lies out-ratted. Seriously not sure what to believe about the picture. It wasn't a good sign for him to look ungrateful. I felt smitten and hopeless before the sign and am still smitten. I'm just feeling my same Bollywood despair. I'm happy, but I'm not happy, because he is still another Bollywood situation that will most likely go nowhere. Sometimes I let myself feel some kind of comfort and satisfaction of some company, but it is just not comforting or satisfying enough. Is it better for me to feel more alone? Right now, I'm more passive about it than fighting to be alone, but I may eventually give up on the Bollywood more. It really is the Bollywood, ..., it really is the Bollywood. I'm still hesitant to say his name, but I can't think of a nickname for now. I just want him to know it isn't that I don't care about him. I care for you xo...until then....Sarah's mouthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12903671683806036760noreply@blogger.com0