My Dearest

Why do you have to have such a killer reality? How do I sometimes get stuck with such a high end society guy? I hate knowing you can make me light headed or faint. I hate how small you can make me feel without trying. How did you ever notice me? I was looking a little at the media. I got in a little trouble earlier and was just mad at the fact I don't have your companion around. What a terrible wife I am in not consoling to you with your recent problems. While I feel threatened at a 9 from a scale of 1-10, and ten at the most, its not the same story as yours. I could wonder or question if you've murdered before or were the reason for a person's suicide but its just too mean to ask. Having some kind of responsibility with fatalities and being mentioned in the media must feel like such a heavy weight and brick for you. I'm sorry for the pain you must feel. I'm sure you've felt pain in that and in other media pressures. Today is a good day for you though. You definitely have a distraction to keep your mind off of it and a better light to be shown in. ... The beating I've taken today though is just maddening to me. I can't win no matter what I do in wanting to keep myself afloat. There is a definite way I can't argue with someone about something. My overall personal debate over my life has many things debatable but now my self financing ability has no other choice than taking a hard blow. Besides my finances is another harder blow to my respect as a parent and independent and adequate person. Your asshole had the nerve to call me a "tran," and over-looked my personal oppressions and hardships. My respect and independence needs protection the most. Nevermind that I get "tranned,"-I'd rather call it bossy codependence where I'm treated to no identity and someone wants their glory and credit over my life. It comes and goes from strangers and traffickers every so often. There are times and situations where I would still call "planet of the apes," on certain people (a place where I originally expressed and confided in a hospital). Man it hurts to have my self sufficiency and independence triggered. I wouldn't say a particular person is an ape or the abyss to everything else I vented over. The person is a look-alike of someone I knew many years ago and I definitely would despise being forced to be in bondage to her and thinking she has a seriously superior glory. Man that trafficking is terror.....I do apologize for not making better use of myself sooner in showing a little more sympathy to your troubles and problems. Would you send me some kind of console or companionship my dearest isolator?

Tough Bravery

So... I have started along the path of being open to a sperm donor awhile ago... While I feel more of a loss of hope in ever having the ideal kind of relationship I would want to have, it doesn't mean I'd never want that ideal. It isn't that I have closed all my doors either and with a strong brow not meaning to sound, "the most easy," like some failing men would intentionally want to take me as. Like I ever would let that be an argument. I will admit to having more than 1 interest of men at once. Like it is fair for some men to have a time period to decide just one (which I question if they ever will just want one), so it should be for women to have their time period of being a little uncertain. ... Anyway, while it seems I somehow and sometimes win a mutual attraction to a big name, I'm still open to being in relationships with men who don't have the biggest or most known name. ... Right now, I'm thinking about the what if of a big name/ celebrity name. What if a celeb had the intel to know I was looking for a donor and they had their own way of looking for a nest and since I don't have the advantages they do, wouldn't that make my lesser advantaged individual some kind of advantage. I used to be harder on the issue but people just have their personal attractions for whatever reason. A person can't ignore an advantage issue but does it always have to be the most fixated or prime issue? ... I'm not a person who considers myself to be media obsessed or a star stalker but I have heard the rumors of celebs especially having many kinds and many baby mamas. Because they have such wealth and money, produce and multiply without worrying about a traditional reputation. .... Would some thoughts or factors kill me? It really all depends. It is how a man would make his choice and how much he cares and how much he would give any kind of protection at all. It all depends. .... How to talk in caution has always seemed impossible. I'm not going to say a specific name but he looks a little like Ashton Kutcher. While I'm not out to hit Ashton with a bus right now, it is seriously fair to say the number of times he threw me under the bus and THREW HIS CAUTION TO THE WIND. He also looks like Christian from 50 shades of grey, but don't expect me to stay in your basement with what some of your unfairness's are Ashton Kutcher. So, Ashton really has broke my heart before. In past times, I assumed him to be the open relationship type of guy but he seemed to be a protector for a period of time in his own way and then I never felt safe with him again and never will. He had a couple of his own cheats on me with a few of my most common enemies. There are men who cheat with a stranger and then men who cheat with someone who they should never seriously cheat you with. It was severely heartless of Ashton and Ashton had no shame. Ashton was another jerk who wasn't going to understand me and intentionally would not understand me. He was another jerk who was wanting me to be a lesbian and had many other denials over who I was against me. There is no way on earth Ashton could say he can protect me and my will to live. He is not for my will to live. ... So me knowing this with Ashton and the way arbitrage and lookalikes normally go, I just have my own personal bias and stereotype of Ashton. If someone who looks like him, is like him and thinks like him, the answer is really "NO." If a guy would care to fight to say, I'm seriously not like him, I'd give more of an open door..... My next side thought is back to the celebrity produce and multiply issue. My sense of self and ideals are: I'm not into open relationships. If you are wanting the option of being in a relationship with me and no one else, I would see some kind of possibility maybe. Besides having a baby with me, you would also have to love,protect, and care for the babies siblings just as much.... Not being open and easy with every man wearing the title of a celebrity. If it isn't the relationship a man was looking for and he was wanting another nest, I get full custody. If he is in another relationship with someone else, I don't want to be her friend or girlfriend. As long as I'm on good terms with the dad, he can still visit but his other is not allowed and he has to respect the territorial woman I am. There is no treating me or my kids as a subject or servant. These are the thoughts that I think.

Random Thoughts

Right now isn't the best timing to write about my random thoughts, but I write anyway. Most times, I feel I have a better expression and writing when something is fresh on my mind. What is fresh on my mind is something that dates years back. It isn't too big of a deal to some people, but I can tell with a few of my kindappers it is. It's a negative energy that makes me want to yell at accountability the most and blames me for being a misunderstood person. Sometimes people don't always think enough about the things they say and are ignorant at younger ages. Yet, at that specific time I get so beat up for paranoia and schizophrenia, when there are other times I get rudely beat up for not being paranoid enough. Amongst kidnappers, I think I have one that doesn't want or mean to want to have me and have credit with a man orgy. I think he means to represent himself and has some sensitivity to my paranoia and the way I get robbed with the credibility other men would want to give themself. On another end, someone wants to paint some kind of signs but its always terrible to know the robbery and blackmails that some people want to have. ... The paranormal is always creey with just how unknown and blind siding everything is... I always get off on rabbit trails. Back to what I was initially saying about being a misunderstood person in talking about gays. (I hate this subject. It's always too forceful). When I made a few friends that came in went through college, I always had the most peaceful approach in wanting to make friends. I reflect on times I was wild and embarassing but just didn't care in some moments of time that I was my own embarassed. When I used to be a more devoted Christian, I was very unacceptable of gays and had somewhat of a prejudice. This time period was out of high school. When I moved away to college and met openly gay people, I understood I should lose the prejudice. My mind in college was more educationally and politically geared than sexually geared. When I was social about things, my mind wasn't necessarily in the gutter or perverted with the things I say. Some things and any random thing I could say was severely messed with with someone else's head in the gutter and wanting my head to be in the gutter with theirs. Most of the beginning of it was times of anger and rage of being mishad and taken the wrong way. Of course, there have been times when I have been swimming in the gutter despite what anyone would think. Anymore, I am very particular about it and see being taken certain ways more as issues of lies, robberies, issues of control, being square- pegged, and blackmailed. It's frustrating to feel a constant threat of being pegged and lied against and that you just can't trust anyone... Back to the issue of gays. .. I was probably tested by a gay man for testing sake, but he asked if I would go with him and friends to a gay pride parade. I should have just said "no," straight up. I didn't go either way. With me, it is an issue of freedom. I don't understand why men would rather be gay and women would rather be lesbian but when a person wants something and is dead set on being a certain way, freedom has always been the utmost importance. When I'm on the plate, it is a much different story. I don't fancy the thought specifically of a woman wanting to be dead set on me and me being forced to suffer for something I would never suffer for in my freedom. A person gets tired after awhile of being beat up to be on the plate so much. If honest eyes saw me, they'd see the honest despair I have in some instances of being on a plate I don't want to be on. The terror of being robbed and pegged. I know it too much.... The wall I hate that I have to hit is when a person can make a fair assumption towards me. While I hate being misunderstood and have to accept faults of a past ignorant awareness in being assumed, I have to make an assumption with someone else. I also have to ask "why?" specifically to you. Am I making too much of an assumption? You gave me reason to ask..

Dear Male Nurse

I still can't think of another name for you. I don't know why you faded and why you are coming around again but I'm glad I have you hooked in some way. Maybe you shyed away from a lot of things happening and was doing what you feel to play safe and defined in playing safe. ~sigh~ whatever it means to play safe male nurse, whatever it means... While you still won't give in to me against your bollywood, I appreciate you for being nice in other ways: you see an impossible situation for what it is and recognize you fail me and don't make me take the fall for the way you failed me. I'm just too used to being extremely failed. You let me go without letting me go enough and I love to eat your jealousy right up... You've had me stumped for the past few days. I enjoy your bollywood company but we are still screwed with the situation. I know I still have no social and emotional physical outlet. The last guy I tried talking to on Zoosk has already given up on me because he feels I just don't feel him and am interested enough. It's like I can't try with someone if I wanted to, but most guys don't give up like that one did. It was a small break because I would rather experience that than deal with another arrogant Gadhafi pig. I wish more men would fear being called that, but they usually are too much of an arrogant pig who is focused on competition, ego, and beating, rather than winning and having sensible emotions... We're still screwed with this conversation. I'd rather try to talk to the imaginary boyfriend you are right now. The next thing I'm being led to wonder: Do you really have the ability to personally meet me? Will you know how to make me know that I know its you? How will you? As much as I want you and love the romance and company; I have you played in my head back to square one. I don't know what to do right now. You make it all the more harder for me to try the dating sites. I wish I had your actual company right now because there is a lot to talk about with life. But, you and I are just in my one-sided company right now. I am so relieved to have my amazon job. It is mostly simple and pays well and I don't think I will have to worry about tax time as much this coming year. I finally got a bonus from Lyft. It has been so crazy working that job because despite the craze of the pandemic and recent protests is that people are in desperate need for rides. Thus the bonus. Lyft had better times of giving bonuses more often but I've been without the bonuses for awhile. There just aren't as many drivers. Sometimes it makes matters seem scarier, but I can't mind too much with having the constant ride after ride business. (I've had times where it has been 20 to 40 mins in between calls. Wasted time is so stressing and frustrating. I'm so happy Mitzi is with me again. I still have worries over her and something going wrong with the world will trip us up again. ... One thing that has recently got me flustered is the ways I get threatened with lies and bullies online. The lies and bullying is never portrayed the way it is. I feel I can never make people understand the things I go through with the various ways I get kidnapped, lied, cheated, and EXTREMELY bullied to a point of suicide. I mean extreme, indescribable mean. Unthinkable unspeakable mean. I just can't get the truth said the way it needs to be said. I haven't forgotten the fact you're still my kidnapper male nurse, but you havn't made me feel cheated against enough the way some do. You're still not entirely excused from explaining your bollywood and kidnapping to me. If you wanted me and wanted to physically be with and around me, you would. The stockholm itself is its cheat that has a mystery I don't know. Whatever "patient ethics," you might want to make out of it is bullshit but you havn't made any excuse yet. Tangent of a tangent. Anyway brief facts about me and long story short: I identify as straight/heterosexual. I want to be identified as straight. I do not like to be mistaken as something else. There was a random police lady online a good while back. She was wanting to seduce me; I made no advances. She had her bollywood anyway in one instance and there was no bondage games about it. But of course, I still have some potential of looking misrepresented. I think she knew I left her in some abandon. A couple of months later: I get threatened with lies. I believe it to be Katheryn Heigl the most who wants to let herself have the random womans credit. She presents herself as my master, as well as Jade and Stacy. They literally want to stare me in the face with their self-flattery as though they not just had me in a one night stand, but have me, and give their self the most masterly credit. Code Red where I know I want to shoot someone for WHAT IS IN THE LINES AND WHAT IS ESPECIALLY IN THE LINES WITH RECENT EVENTS AND THINGS I'VE SCREAMED BLOODY MURDER FOR. Of course I'll be treated like the tran when they are the most brutally mean sadistic dead give away of a lying Gaddafi rapist. They know they get away with their shameless rapist lies. I mean I've had people who know they can get away with the worst brutality before in keeping me battered with the way they call their self my master, give their self the credit and the glory the way they say they have their rule. You may or may not know they way it feels to be treated as a tortured blow up doll until you do. .....I've had other things come and go where I would like to talk about life. I find some comfort in your cave male nurse and I'm still the victim to your lack of normalcy. Don't you ever want unload a little more on me? Can you take more than bliss that isn't blissful enough?

Random Thoughts and "As the Sarah Turns"

A month into the coronavirus. I have officially given up on unemployment. ...The first week in working with my rideshare company was drastically slow and scary. It has been scary since (a little less after being stigmatized and scared with the rest), but hours have greatly picked up. I'm one of the few drivers driving and its something I'm definitely jealous about. While I know I have to knock on wood and probably say several more times that things could always be worse: despite a serious demand and people waiting a long time to get a ride, rideshare driving is still unappreciated. I at least get call after call, but there is no extra pay or bonus on my end. As a matter of fact, the little bit of bonus I was getting after already making some bonus cuts, was even reduced more. Life could be worse and of course I should be more grateful that I can still earn an income while others get to stay at home, some staying at home doing nothing but collecting unemployment, or worse off some with no work and no pay. I fell through the gap in childcare. She is visiting me this week but we are temporarily separated so she can be watched with the grandparents. Its been awful to be so far away for so long. While some men may wonder how I violently break in other ways in thinking along the lines of nothing but gold-digging (like I've ever gotten anything), I just can't hold my tongue enough in the anguish I feel with the types and amount of support I've never had. Some men have never paid a bill of mine in their life and they would still have the nerve to judge or want to rule or molest me with other people who want to rule?!?!?! The fucking nerve! It has never been easy to hold my tongue. Destiny's Child "Bills," is something I just can't not think along the lines of. Trifling good for nothing type of brother. Like I don't get some clue with what could happen if I don't shut my mouth enough... Just stick with being some kind of dodo bird Sarah, just do and be the dodo bird, I tell myself. Like being forced into a hamster ball where some people intentionally do want to trick me into arrest. pft. After so many different bumps and bruises, it gets harder to care. .... While there is the general drama with this month of Coronavirus, more specifics have come about where I would have preferred to keep to myself but now feel the need to talk about some of all of the above. If it wasn't for one making me feel he needed my company more, I would be more hush, but I'm not sure what company he wants. Any kind of company. I'm just going to refer to him as Mr. VIP. I'd like to say you can say anything and let your load out, but as much as you want to make me feel vulnerable is as much of an expectation as you have. Lean on me, and if I fall over and can't support you, don't be surprised. I guess I'm still on top of your "easy ho list," (angry eyebrows) and don't really know why you would feel the need to choose me in your time. I'm some cranky match. And, I don't mean to make you feel in angst or feel threatened, I do have others on my mind right now. While this is the same bollywood story where I am most likely STILL never going to happen with any of the above in person, I make myself speak as though its almost actual real life drama. Profile man is still here. The male nurse image has somewhat faded but there is still some kind of imagery there. I have to give him the credit he is a lot like the "IF" song with Anthony Keidis in RHCP, and I make Keidis an additional fantasy crush too. He's a genius to his music. Then, a man who has been around longer, but just gruff and mean is a local bearded cop I saw one time whose name I don't know. I know he plays his self with me, but I also know he is a selfish and mean man and his only message he has for me today was "I shot you first." I think he knows I was looking at him like he was another Gadaffi and takes the "shooting" the same figurative way he takes his. He's the typical take-you-for-what-your-worth ego with "I shot you first." This is why you still have your relationship troubles with me black beard cop. The male nurse profile is still there but far too mysterious and tormenting to me. More fall off of the cliff and disappear bollywoods to get over. My poor breaking heart.

thinking out loud

I've been really upset this week. I think I've sunk to a severe state of depression. A lot of it is a lot of recent circumstances and some of it is long term suffering. There is a certain despair I have where the sky is not the limit and has dropped really low. The pull is strong in my despair to mold myself to the desperation more. I haven't gone to the gym in awhile and in the past 2 weeks, it is like being against my religion in going to the gym and is not going to help my health. Although there have been many times going to the gym makes me feel better and productive, when I'm depressed it is the last place I want to go. I've cried on the treadmill and elliptical before. Pain can be weakness leaving the body sometimes but why do I have to experience the specific pain that I do? Why can't I escape certain pains and keep getting stuck with the same similar pain? It's the emotional pain of course, but going to the gym makes me cry all the more. I've waited through most of the weight of depression enough and am thinking about going tomorrow. My physical health is starting to feel gross and I think I will feel more better going than not going to the gym. … This whole car robbery has already been a major bitch. More fees and red tape is coming up more. My car was taken off the map and has to get back on. I have to pay to get a new registration. I have to go through the car insurance process all over again. I have to go through both the uber and lyft process all over again. I planned on going another week with the rental that I have paid for, but I don't want to have to go through one last one. I mean expense after expense. I've had expenses punch me in the wallet before, but being severely punched in the wallet around the holidays is such a kill. I missed out on one crafting event and plan to miss out on another crafting event tomorrow. I feel I have better odds spending the time at my lyft job than taking chances on locations I won't know will work. Especially the time it takes for everything. It would have taken more of my time just for waking up that early knowing I won't make it into the late hours of the night. I hate those hours anymore but tough out the weekend night anyway for the sake of making the money. … Tonight is a perfect time to take Mitzi to Dave and Busters or the movies but I just don't have the energy to do anything. There was a Christmas event downtown tonight but I especially don't have the patience and energy for the hustle and bustle and am especially not feeling the holiday spirit right now. I feel like shit for not taking Mitzi out though. There has hardly ever been any time at all already. One of these weekends. … I don't know what to do about the man drama in my life. I know I'm in some kind of arbitrage Stockholm that I don't understand. It's too bad that Blackbeard's stranger just wasn't more normal and reachable of a person. I'm not always motivated for the searching on zoosk and am not completely satisfied with the Bollywood I have. I'm in the same standstill that I've mostly been in and am too depressed to push myself harder. Besides the depression is that I have no other choice to be such a slave to money and making ends meet and getting bills paid. Wouldn't it be great to win an enormous win in gambling? ha ~rig and fix me~

Something to be happy about: Sprightly Finesse

I've wished I could have traveled more and had more venues as a crafter in the past several years. I at least got to pick up some finally living here in Pittsburgh, but I wish I would have had been able to have made more of a hobby with it. Other priorities and financial demands have mattered more. Tonight I was right in center of downtown Pittsburgh, Market Square. It is a very nice location. It got very cold but the sales were better than the last one, which is more predictable to sell in the weather. Not always easy sitting in the cold that long for the number of hours. I can reflect some from the Sunday flea markets in Cumberland. It isn't the best memories having been isolated, watched, and restrained then. Although it was the only thing I was capable of enabling myself to do, I still enjoyed doing it. I have felt hunted, isolated, watched, and restrained in some instances for a long time including tonight, but I would say Market Square isn't as bad as Cumberland. People were so ridiculous, extreme, and judgmental in Cumberland. Whether I'm crafting or not crafting, it still isn't the main variable. Something follows me wherever I go. In the lightest of ways, it is like a heard echo. I'm not just hearing my echo, someone hears some things I say to my face while other messages and leads could be there but aren't always reachable or attainable if I wanted to try to figure something out. The heaviest is being judged, hunted, and over criticized. It wasn't an entirely evil night. There seemed to be some jovial atmosphere there. It's just mean for the way some people would intentionally watch me too closely to judge or hunt me. I felt very victimized and hunted in some instances where someone was wanting to force me in a corner. Somebody really wants to hurt me with how much they intentionally want me to feel interrogated, tested, and questioned. Whether or not it is the blogging that some people could have a problem with, I carry on in my own leisure anyway with giving myself that much of a license to blog over anything with the amount of isolation that I've lived with. I'm not entirely left alone, but although I'm still victimized life has improved some with being left alone and not as harassed.. I still scream to this day but earlier years were worse.... I saw the 3 present Bollywood men tonight along with the rest of the profile and it while it has always been disappointing to have the Bollywood living over me, I wasn't surprised that I still saw the Bollywood I saw. I tawt I taw. I did. There was a quick moment where there was a man who looked like Dr. Wawa was standing right in front of me. I saw him one time in Cumberland too. It was more embarrassing than to have just been a crafter in those days. I think I was too mad to care at the time with whatever impression I made on Dr. Wawa. It was like there were times his Bollywood was being aggressive for me and wanting to get my attention while I have always left him in the cold through the years, but why couldn't he just hit his own wall in his betrayal? Why did he always avoid it and act like it wasn't there? Why couldn't he see even after so many other guys that the issue of betraying me wasn't an issue he could dodge and if he seriously was wanting to be aggressive and get my attention that he really should have found something to say? While he could have been in a number of relationships through the years or even married by now, he should have understood he was his own stalwart and damnation during the times he was pursuing me. After all this time does it matter anymore? It still matters to this day. While it is so evil and unthinkably wrong for some people wanting to keep me judged in the same exact way and allow the same certain people to have reign and rule over I seriously need a fucking hero. I need a hero today just as much as I needed then. I am dying and don't let me die like that Dr. Wawa. I've probably talked too much and went too much on a brain storm but I thought to figure out something to say.