Happy Birthday to Me

My 20s are gone. My anger with truth and time is still ever-present and am angry at the way I have never been given the rest and security that I know I want and need. While the feelings are there; I'm not going to elaborate anymore with my anger................ 30s 30s 30s. I do hope that God has better things waiting for me in years ahead. I don't want to think of the thought of aging anymore with whatever will be happening in years to come....... Life is busy. Life is anxious. Of course the time I'm most anxious for a job is when there are too many holidays going on at once............ I am excited that Mitzi and I will have the house to ourselves in the next 3 days. I don't know if I will take her anywhere for new years or we will just celebrate it at home. We probably will celebrate at home................ I feel like I'm on this funny overdrive trek right now where something may or may not come about. I do and don't have a point with some things. I feel like I'm just at this certain pace and place where I just feel like I'm being a nonstop runner, and when I'm done on whatever this trek is, than I'm done. More movies to watch, some people or things to notice, some things to wait for whether or not I'm hoping for something to happen. I'd still have some things to keep busy with............. With Obama's healthcare, I'm really not sure what he is getting at right now. He looks pretty mad. If I could say anything; I would rather him take a chill pill.

Short and Sweet

Neither night is really good. Hahahaha someone out there has ratted that I'm on my period. hahahaahah. Oh shut up. I can dance if I want to. a little bloated and all. So, it really isn't an option if I want to be a Roxanne tonight, but I can still have fun. Everything is up in the air and I don't care. Awe, Casino Barilla, they picked on you. I didn't look at the clip the first time they posted it, because I have a hard time trusting even the online media. (msn media). Sorry if you feel embarrassed. I still want to dance with you if I ever happen to meet you out. You make yourself out of reach anyway. They did have you in a band the other night at the Outdoor club incase you didn't know you were being thrown out somewhere. I danced so much anyway, that I got a pain in my side that ppl sometimes get from running. Its supposed to snow tmw anyway ice and all, so I'm picking tonight anyway. Going to dance if I want to .

Random Thoughts

Thanksgiving...... I will be thankful for the actual dinner. I think the typical Thanksgiving food is some of the best food. Stuffing, sweet potato casserole, Turkey, Pumpkin pie. I am doing another modeling stunt and doing it for Better Homes and Gardens. lol. Yes and no seriously. I am going to make a non-alcohol holiday beverage. I can't make up my mind what I want to call it. Cranberry bubble cocktail or Cranberry fruit spritz. I'm being all artsy about it too. Ice cubes with cranberrys in them along with frozen cranberries. This is going to be completely all of my own recipe. I had such a difficult time in making up my mind with some things, but I found stuff to put together that gives me a peace of mind enough. I'm also making sweet potato casserole. It is just fun to make my own creations sometimes. I could see myself creating an alcohol version too, but not everyone drinks alcohol, esp. kids. Have to make something for everyone. Shopping. I feel so killed anymore when withdrawing more money from my savings. When I look online through my own picks, it feels much more painless with the fashion quality and the deals that I find.... Decisions decisions. I feel I should wait until I save more to spend, but with this being the best shopping time of the year, it is just too difficult to not spend. I also need to get myself a coat yet. I'm not going out on Black Friday this year. I just don't feel like waiting in the lines. I already found several good bargain buys and only need to just get a few more things. With just a few more things, I think I'll get those at another time.......

Letter to Joel

I know you have a big name and a lot going on in your life right now. It blesses my heart that a person like you has an abundant life. I have a complicated walk of Christianity. While I do not wish for accountability or another totalitarian in my life, I want you to know you are a person I would put my confidence in when it comes to trust and faith. I do not know the real potential of help you could tangibly give to several of my SOS's in life. I think you could have a clue to some things going on, and to have someone who has some agreeableness of faith in my life really means a lot for me. I have had a long waiting for my expectations of faith to be fulfilled. I know it looks like I have given up to some people. I am a person who lives to prove nothing to some certain types of people. I have a complicated walk of faith for the things people have never understood. I know you understand the fight of faith and some days it is easier than other days to have faith. When I have been in a long time of waiting the days get more and more difficult. There are some things I have said that I just can't or won't take back. It is the way you have lived to be an inspiration that I would have a hard time knowing I could be a severe disappointment as a partner of faith. Besides just you as a leader, there could be other potential leaders out there that I would hope has a very open-minded sense of survival. I understand leaders of Faith have different callings. I think you live up to your inspirational calling well. I've actually thought about one of your quotes in my own head and have come to my own conclusion that I may blog about later. It is just a rabbit trail for now. Anyway, there are certain instances where I believe it takes more than just inspiration to make life work. I do not want to put any uncomfortable pressure on you or make that statement sound like something that it is not. I also think it takes more than "accountability" or totalitarianism to make life work. It isn't that I see you as a failure; I understand you have a main focus of your calling. You are not a person who has disappointed me at all, and I hope you stay the same you and never disappoint me in this lifetime. I have a lot of stalkers and control freaks and I want you to know you are a person I have some confidence in to trust and be a partner of faith.

hmmmm.

I'm not understanding your game or why you just won't end the conversation...... I don't completely trust Bill Gates right now on msn. I believe your message from last night and am not understanding what his aggression is with you and I from him. OK, so maybe you're not gay. It is a good thing for the type of man I want, but it still doesn't change anything from what was said yesterday. Your heart is with someone else, you would expect me to be subjected or feel inferior and you would be a gadaffi in saying so. You also still want me on the side. It isn't a "complete rejection," but something that works for only you. No Tom. NO. Barella is still on my mind but it hasn't happened. There are a few other potential men that I would consider. I'm not sure what you are trying to say about John A. but I do not want him at all. I have already denied him. I don't care what rejection game is going on, my answer is no. I'm not getting why you see yourself as my hero or what it is you are pushing to. I am aware of how you broke in my head today and am just quiet. You are impossible.

mush mush

Right now, I am back in a calm emotional state. I know I could get more anxious at anytime, but right now, I am mostly calm. This isn't about being labeled bipolar. I have a lot of emotional thoughts that could or couldn't be guessed out. The main point of calmness now is knowing I exist and I know what I am thinking........ There are several things right now that I know I am capable and able of doing. How far my own choices take me or how far the world's passive-aggression clashes or not with my own passive-aggression (and knowing what my motives are) in going the distance, is just something I'll figure and find out about in time. I know about some OCD disorders. I'm not in favor of having one; or feeding another's. There are still some clues out there and mystery, but some things aren't clear enough. Right now, I am calm anyway........... I have a little bit of a shopping spree planned this week. I havn't had a good shopping trip in awhile and I can't wait to take myself and Mitzi on one. Like a typical baby, Mitzi gets bored. But, we usually go to the playground or get ice-cream. As treasured as she is, my life doesn't revolve around her boredom. We have some fun anyway..... I have been planning for a new car, but I don't know how soon that will be. It is going to depend on several things. Something to come to a good decision in whatever time..... I can't wait to get my hair highlighted again sometime this week. I'm going to go somewhere a little more professional this time. I did it on the last one.... I have my own boredoms and other things going while in my state of being still.......

Dear Jared

Boy do I feel like an ass. I had no clue the VMA's were on tonight. I'm surprised to see you back in my life. I don't even remember why or how we forgot each other. It seems you may have had your eye on me a while, but I couldn't remember the how or why. I can't think of a reason to ignore you or try to shout you off right now. I hope you don't give me one. I know MTV usually shows repeats of their shows. Although there are a lot of artists that I don't care to watch; I would care to watch for you. A bit of fan cheese for you, If you don't win any awards, you're still a winner! "winning." Hmph. I am seeing some signs in your arbitrage. I do and don't feel the need to comment. Because it isn't a said question and that I'm not taking the pressure too seriously, I'm not going to elaborate on my view point a whole lot right now. I know what I know I said several years ago, and if there were some architect out there to revolve around that answer and obsess over my life to be put to the test to be a prostitute, I really think that someone should notice the real failure in the architect to rig my life and think their tests are qualified and of logic. If my imagination were real in that assumption, it spells out: psycho stalker who gets away with psychotic tyranny. This isn't my thought of the actual prostitution, but a little bit of an assumption. "The hunter who just didn't get it." Not a 100% sure if you are the hunter. I used to make fun of an old boyfriend who spent no time with me at all or even in getting to know me and just spend time stalking or judging me. How could he have blamed me for my actions over anything? I really hate how defensive I sound. I just know I've been buried alive too much and don't even know half of the things I've been buried under. Less talk of me and more of you. I hope you win tonight, and if so I don't mind to hear you talk about it. I feel like an ass for not getting your cd yet. Life has been crappy povertous damnation due to some tyranny. Words cannot express the anger and sadness I have for myself. I just got myself this laptop a week ago. Not intending to put you on the spot or embarrass you unless you are responsible. You don't come off as the bad guy. This is why I am writing a blog and not all over your page. I'm not wanting to rob your center of attention right now. I havn't wanted to make a competition out of it. I don't mind you being center of attention. Mitzi is the priority. I don't know if you have seen pics of her yet or not, but I can eventually post more. I'm not the digital person I used to be. Which songs are your favorite songs? What makes you feel alive or lively? (not always a safe question for anyone anymore; I've caught on to predator traps and life killers over the years) (I also know I'm not being your predator) Just wanted you to know even if we're foreign to each other, that I still have some care for you. I hope you are well. I wouldn't mind getting closer to you. Sure to see from you soon.