Rahm

You feel like the safest right now and I can't help but be needy of you. I have some skepticism, but any time I feel I have a chance of rest or safety, I just try for it. I'm not going to make it on my Canadian trip. My bags were packed and ready, but I got violently sick. I think I got it from Mitzi. Thank goodness Mitzi's sickness wasn't as bad as mine. I'm so upset though. I was really looking forward to this getaway, and now I have to just wait it out for a later time. I didn't get a full refund back, but I at least got half of it back. I'm going to do some online shopping today anyway. But I won't have the thrill of the waterpark or clubs. I really don't know what all to think of you right now Rahm. I remember the last time you were in my life, I had some kind of panic attack, but I can't remember what it was all about or why I was so upset. It had more to do than your boyfriend and other girlfriends, but I just don't remember what my panic attack was............... I like that you seem to be on my side by seeing things my way with how murderous people are. I've always referred to it as damning. But when a group lives to gang up on and damn a person so many times in so many ways, it is murderous. I know I have been threatened and have had my life threatened in different kinds of degrees before besides having my survival threatened. Sometimes to me, it just doesn't seem that people get what they are or what their actions are, or just how seriously wrong their corruption is. How could people seriously feel that they win? You have me a little dizzy now Rahm, but I hope your day goes well and I hope you continue to support me in surviving. muah.

Random Thoughts

Right now, life is way too hectic. I was able to give myself a little relief today, but there are still tons of things left on my list to do. I have to return an item that I got for Mitzi. I hate doing returns. So many little things in doing the work to return when ordering online and shipping. I have to contact the company and exchange for a different size, print all the printing stuff, and deal with the post office. That is the main downfall of online shopping. I'm a little anxious over a few money matters and finding a job, but I'm not going to get too worked up for now......... I haven't felt well today and this makes me unhappy. I have things to do, but I just feel sluggish. I didn't even feel like writing this blog. I find in my sluggish and unwell times, I feel a little better if I force myself to get more things done. Sometimes, I make myself sicker if I don't stay sluggish. nauseous, headache, earache kind of thing. I also don't know how I want to spend some of my time.......... I've been getting more ready for Canada and am getting excited more. Right now, I think the dangerous thing to avoid is getting caught up in between the drama of the US and Canadian hockey teams. Man, I would hate being pushed on someone or someone pushing themselves on me and I would have to make some sort of preferential decision. Right now, I have no comment on either of the hockey teams. Whatever their real drama was, I don't want to know. Endless Mars dominos if I were to get involved. Sometimes to know something about a person or what was said, it always leads to more directions of the who, the what, the time, what happened, and what happened first. If there was a person who shoved me under that bus, I would hate the person who did. I have my mind set on the shopping, and going to the waterpark for the shits and giggles of it. Oh, maybe for my own personal prideful strut too. What would be cool, is if they allowed alcohol in the waterpark, and I could be sitting in a Jacuzzi with a good buzz going on. I don't think I would be bringing it into the wave pool unless it were allowed, but it would be cool to have a buzz while I'm riding the waves on my inner tube. So many bars and restaurants in this mall that I could get a buzz before I got in. I've got to find out more about the main dancing night club and other night clubs. It was just so cool to find out about a few of them. I saw some sights I could see, but I'm not sure what other tourism I'm going to decide on other than the mall, clubs, and water park. I wish I could be in Canada for another day, but maybe I'll be able to afford another trip later in the future........... I need to get my mind on this other craft fair coming up. I should have had more things finished by now, but I'm not mushing enough. I still have a good enough amount of time.

Happy Birthday to Me

My 20s are gone. My anger with truth and time is still ever-present and am angry at the way I have never been given the rest and security that I know I want and need. While the feelings are there; I'm not going to elaborate anymore with my anger................ 30s 30s 30s. I do hope that God has better things waiting for me in years ahead. I don't want to think of the thought of aging anymore with whatever will be happening in years to come....... Life is busy. Life is anxious. Of course the time I'm most anxious for a job is when there are too many holidays going on at once............ I am excited that Mitzi and I will have the house to ourselves in the next 3 days. I don't know if I will take her anywhere for new years or we will just celebrate it at home. We probably will celebrate at home................ I feel like I'm on this funny overdrive trek right now where something may or may not come about. I do and don't have a point with some things. I feel like I'm just at this certain pace and place where I just feel like I'm being a nonstop runner, and when I'm done on whatever this trek is, than I'm done. More movies to watch, some people or things to notice, some things to wait for whether or not I'm hoping for something to happen. I'd still have some things to keep busy with............. With Obama's healthcare, I'm really not sure what he is getting at right now. He looks pretty mad. If I could say anything; I would rather him take a chill pill.

Short and Sweet

Neither night is really good. Hahahaha someone out there has ratted that I'm on my period. hahahaahah. Oh shut up. I can dance if I want to. a little bloated and all. So, it really isn't an option if I want to be a Roxanne tonight, but I can still have fun. Everything is up in the air and I don't care. Awe, Casino Barilla, they picked on you. I didn't look at the clip the first time they posted it, because I have a hard time trusting even the online media. (msn media). Sorry if you feel embarrassed. I still want to dance with you if I ever happen to meet you out. You make yourself out of reach anyway. They did have you in a band the other night at the Outdoor club incase you didn't know you were being thrown out somewhere. I danced so much anyway, that I got a pain in my side that ppl sometimes get from running. Its supposed to snow tmw anyway ice and all, so I'm picking tonight anyway. Going to dance if I want to .

Random Thoughts

Thanksgiving...... I will be thankful for the actual dinner. I think the typical Thanksgiving food is some of the best food. Stuffing, sweet potato casserole, Turkey, Pumpkin pie. I am doing another modeling stunt and doing it for Better Homes and Gardens. lol. Yes and no seriously. I am going to make a non-alcohol holiday beverage. I can't make up my mind what I want to call it. Cranberry bubble cocktail or Cranberry fruit spritz. I'm being all artsy about it too. Ice cubes with cranberrys in them along with frozen cranberries. This is going to be completely all of my own recipe. I had such a difficult time in making up my mind with some things, but I found stuff to put together that gives me a peace of mind enough. I'm also making sweet potato casserole. It is just fun to make my own creations sometimes. I could see myself creating an alcohol version too, but not everyone drinks alcohol, esp. kids. Have to make something for everyone. Shopping. I feel so killed anymore when withdrawing more money from my savings. When I look online through my own picks, it feels much more painless with the fashion quality and the deals that I find.... Decisions decisions. I feel I should wait until I save more to spend, but with this being the best shopping time of the year, it is just too difficult to not spend. I also need to get myself a coat yet. I'm not going out on Black Friday this year. I just don't feel like waiting in the lines. I already found several good bargain buys and only need to just get a few more things. With just a few more things, I think I'll get those at another time.......

Letter to Joel

I know you have a big name and a lot going on in your life right now. It blesses my heart that a person like you has an abundant life. I have a complicated walk of Christianity. While I do not wish for accountability or another totalitarian in my life, I want you to know you are a person I would put my confidence in when it comes to trust and faith. I do not know the real potential of help you could tangibly give to several of my SOS's in life. I think you could have a clue to some things going on, and to have someone who has some agreeableness of faith in my life really means a lot for me. I have had a long waiting for my expectations of faith to be fulfilled. I know it looks like I have given up to some people. I am a person who lives to prove nothing to some certain types of people. I have a complicated walk of faith for the things people have never understood. I know you understand the fight of faith and some days it is easier than other days to have faith. When I have been in a long time of waiting the days get more and more difficult. There are some things I have said that I just can't or won't take back. It is the way you have lived to be an inspiration that I would have a hard time knowing I could be a severe disappointment as a partner of faith. Besides just you as a leader, there could be other potential leaders out there that I would hope has a very open-minded sense of survival. I understand leaders of Faith have different callings. I think you live up to your inspirational calling well. I've actually thought about one of your quotes in my own head and have come to my own conclusion that I may blog about later. It is just a rabbit trail for now. Anyway, there are certain instances where I believe it takes more than just inspiration to make life work. I do not want to put any uncomfortable pressure on you or make that statement sound like something that it is not. I also think it takes more than "accountability" or totalitarianism to make life work. It isn't that I see you as a failure; I understand you have a main focus of your calling. You are not a person who has disappointed me at all, and I hope you stay the same you and never disappoint me in this lifetime. I have a lot of stalkers and control freaks and I want you to know you are a person I have some confidence in to trust and be a partner of faith.

hmmmm.

I'm not understanding your game or why you just won't end the conversation...... I don't completely trust Bill Gates right now on msn. I believe your message from last night and am not understanding what his aggression is with you and I from him. OK, so maybe you're not gay. It is a good thing for the type of man I want, but it still doesn't change anything from what was said yesterday. Your heart is with someone else, you would expect me to be subjected or feel inferior and you would be a gadaffi in saying so. You also still want me on the side. It isn't a "complete rejection," but something that works for only you. No Tom. NO. Barella is still on my mind but it hasn't happened. There are a few other potential men that I would consider. I'm not sure what you are trying to say about John A. but I do not want him at all. I have already denied him. I don't care what rejection game is going on, my answer is no. I'm not getting why you see yourself as my hero or what it is you are pushing to. I am aware of how you broke in my head today and am just quiet. You are impossible.