Thoughts of the Day

Today is a very, very bad day. Although there are some good things, today has just been an awful day. I have so many things to stress over and thoughts of rage that I cannot discuss...... Anyway, what a busy and hectic month of December. Work has been in a little bit of a crisis lately because I have had to bounce around different clubs a little and just haven't been making the regular, average pay. I'm back at the original spot that I had started and the club has a different name. I have hopes that I will be making decent money again. Once I start my other job, I should have a better steady income and more time to spend with Mitzi. Like I said, I still plan on keeping my night job, but won't be working as much as I used to. One of my stressors is getting the specific gift that Mitzi wants. It is out of stock everywhere and I don't know when any of the stores will be getting more shipments of this toy. If I order it online whenever it is back in stock, I don't know if it will be in time for Christmas......... I had planned on going out of town this weekend to go stripping, but it probably isn't going to be until January until I will be able to make it to somewhere like Pittsburgh, Baltimore, or some other town to think of traveling to. Besides some of the more regional clubs, I hear about the ones in Texas often. Strip clubs in Texas is the one of the areas most talked about. I'd have to save for a trip like that, and hope it would payoff. It will probably be Pittsburgh I try sometime in January. I just have to make up my mind which club I'd try. Some are open til 2 and others are open all the way until 4. I don't know. December has too much stress, hustle, bustle, and too much to do. It would be better if I stayed in town this weekend. ...

David

Still on my mind...... Not sure what to think or say of some of the signs I saw today..... ha ..... Should I really feel pressured into being persuaded you want to marry me? Should I let myself take it seriously and seriously give myself something to think about? I've seen signs before and the way people BS for whatever reason they BS but nothing has ever come about. Why people would ever continue to make up their own BS relationship stories or intentionally prank me in the media, I will never know....... Amongst so many reasons, Denny Williamson has been my most terrorizing embarrassment of a stalker. He gives himself any and all credit and thinks he has my submission. (pope example) I have already screamed in front of everyone how much of a psycho, stalker, and rapist I think he is. Knowing I have such strong negative emotions against him and his psychotically terrorizing barbarian, he INTENTIONALLY IGNORES ME THINKING IT IS HIS RIGHT TO STALK ME AND TRY TO CLIMB ON TOP OF ME. HE THINKS HE DESERVES TO TERRORIZE, THREATEN, AND HARASS ME WITH HIS RAPIST "DOMINANCE." He lies and like other vain psycho barbarians, he tries to put me in bondage to his self and what his rules are. He has vainly and sickly insinuated that I wanted him and wants to put HIS VAIN LIES ON ME THAT I AM THE ONE "WHO IS TOO VAIN." The sick psycho he is, is what he wants to lie and say of me. I have been so disgusted against him for the longest time. I HAVE AND WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM. I hate that I have another reason to feel embarrassed in front of you with his sick vain self-entitled pig............... For right now, I really don't have much more to say. I wish I could say it is all short and sweet today, but it is short and screaming. I'm going to let myself have a good day anyway and hope u do the same.

Done and Did

Whew. The crafting season is done and did. There may be 1 or 2 smaller shows that I may do, but I feel exhausted for the rest of the year. Although I had a year of record breaking sales; I can't believe I didn't sell any cowells. For 2 years they sold so well, and this year, nobody has purchased any. The short ones were sold, but the infinity ones weren't. They were even decently priced. I thought too cheap. With the rest of the stuff; I sure do have an inventory to catch up on and spend the rest of the year until next season to do so. I am taking a break for awhile as usual. I am FINALLY going to be able to get a new car soon. I can't wait. I've been thinking about it for a long time and I can finally afford one. I don't know what kind of car yet, just whatever tickles my fancy enough. ........... and then save and then travel and then save and spend for what I save for................. I am tired at the end of the day. There is so much going through my mind and on my mind. ......... I really don't know what to do or say anymore right now with someone. I'm still in question to be convinced of something and waiting. ........ exhausted. goodnight.

Random Thoughts

Busy week and it is not over yet. I am so happy that I was able to fit a marathon in my schedule finally. I knew I could do the real thing without the treadmill. I was happy for my time too. I didn't break my own record with what I usually do on the treadmill, but it was still something to brag about with going up a couple of hills. I even had to stop and walk a little and my time was still that good. I'm so happy about it. I have gotten a lot done this week, but still have a lot left to do. I am happy that I have recently been making a little more bank, but am broke for the next day or two. I have been trying to hold up on getting a little too shopper happy, but I didn't make it through this weekend without going too broke..... hmph. oh well, it will be alright when Monday comes around. ..... I've been thinking about going out tonight but havn't decided. It has been such a busy week, and I am already pooped. Relaxing sounds so good too. Too bad there is hardly anything on tv to watch. I can see myself relaxing with a piece of cake and/or ice cream too. I can't knit though. The pinky finger is a required knitting finger, and I have had too bad of a cut to be able to knit. It is healing too slowly and this frustrates me. I just don't know what I'm going to do, and it will be a win win either way.

Random Thoughts

I am glad the weather is going to be better in the next few days. Although I am a little hung over, I'm going to try to get a simple walk in today. I'll probably push myself to run a little more in the next day or 2 with the perfect 70 degree weather. I have got to be ready for a marathon...... Man drama. hmmmmm. A few guys are keeping me guessing and wondering. I saw Travis this weekend. As usual, there was no conversation. We glanced at each other but there was no real greeting or talk. Besides his buddies, he looked like he was with some random blond chick............ I also hung out with another guy. It was nice of him to invite me to a pig roast that was going on. Of course, I still didn't eat any pig. I took a picture of it though. It wasn't the visual I had imagined. The chunks were already chopped and it was fried, not roasted. I wasn't eating, and it was whatever works for them anyway................... I finally got around to watching a Carrot Top comedy show. I didn't realize how much of his comedy was about inventions. I saw his actual movie that he made, but in his real shows, he uses his own inventions in his acts. There were a few scenes that I thought were pretty disturbing. Sometimes, I noticed he had similar facial expressions as Jon Stewart. I still refuse to have any involvement/association with Jon, but I think it is possible that Carrot Top could have hooked up with him at one time or another. Besides that, there was too much gayness in it. I did have to laugh at some of his sketches though. I think the drunken airplane pilot was probably the funniest. Carrot Top has some sexiness but some of his facial expressions were a little too perverse.........There are a couple of other guys that have stayed on my mind and have kept me guessing. My glasses aren't rose colored and I'm pretty skeptical of the 2 or 3. I'm still curious to find out more about them. ........ Ho Hum............ I wonder what I am going to do the rest of the day. ..........

Dear Rahm

I really did have an impression that you are a more talkative man. I guess I'm the talker who has some quiet company......... This weekend was alright. I had a little bit of fun. If you were with me last night, you probably would have found me annoying. There is this song the bands play all of the time, "Rock Me Mamma," and I sung along with it last night, "Hey Rahmy rock me." Rock me Rahma. lol. Not that I see you as a woman; it is just nice to find some kind of relief in safety. Someone sees things my way with the truth. While you may not have completely rescued me from "Planet of the Apes," you bring some comfort in my life..... I found a good looking guy to dance with a little last night, but he eventually left and did his own thing. Oh well. Saw a few other guys, but nothing really happened. It wasn't a bad night though. I'm still in a job search process..... While I don't see all employment opportunities as terrorizing, I could definitely say I see some as being terrorizing. Most of it is on job boards. Sometimes on the internet and even the local paper. There are several types of terrorizing suggestions. It is just that how could some people not see who is getting violent and harassing like that? How could some things like that be overlooked? Some jobs are not as obvious. Others, it is like I have been getting followed the whole time and someone is out to try to stay on top of me to keep me terrorized. Sometimes it is a similar job where things are worded in such ways where I know I am being stalked. It is kind of like the stalker is trying to say: "I dare you to keep applying for the same type of job." In most cases I feel like the stalker ultimately wants to say: "Yes, you are nothing but unqualified and have a learning disability." I have received those threats in the mail sometimes to apply for Social Security and make that my income for life. Do you want to talk about a hateful death threat or what? I know I'm not always being watched out for, but to me, I just keep thinking: How could people keep overlooking the way I'm getting judged and harassed? How could people not notice some things? I see it as either an entity or violent stalker who I still don't know and who gets away with such violently serious threats against me. I hate their guts Rahm. I hate the way their misogyny and jealousy doesn't get noticed. I would also hate the people who would put their trust in whoever this stalker or entity of stalkers are. I hate this town's structure. I hate how over-underestimated I am and the way people intentionally never notice how violently hated I am or how much even they personally hate me........... Finding a job really is everything and the most important thing right now. Unless the day ever happens when I find a wealthy man who loves me and wants to be my provider, that is the way it has always been. I just don't get why this has been such a long hold-up. I hate the way people dare to keep insulting me in such an indefinite, damning way and expecting me to be sold on their hatred. I know I'm too good for their judgment and hatred. One of the only things to look forward to this upcoming week is the nice weather for the next 3 days. I can't wait to take Mitzi on a walk.

Rahm

You feel like the safest right now and I can't help but be needy of you. I have some skepticism, but any time I feel I have a chance of rest or safety, I just try for it. I'm not going to make it on my Canadian trip. My bags were packed and ready, but I got violently sick. I think I got it from Mitzi. Thank goodness Mitzi's sickness wasn't as bad as mine. I'm so upset though. I was really looking forward to this getaway, and now I have to just wait it out for a later time. I didn't get a full refund back, but I at least got half of it back. I'm going to do some online shopping today anyway. But I won't have the thrill of the waterpark or clubs. I really don't know what all to think of you right now Rahm. I remember the last time you were in my life, I had some kind of panic attack, but I can't remember what it was all about or why I was so upset. It had more to do than your boyfriend and other girlfriends, but I just don't remember what my panic attack was............... I like that you seem to be on my side by seeing things my way with how murderous people are. I've always referred to it as damning. But when a group lives to gang up on and damn a person so many times in so many ways, it is murderous. I know I have been threatened and have had my life threatened in different kinds of degrees before besides having my survival threatened. Sometimes to me, it just doesn't seem that people get what they are or what their actions are, or just how seriously wrong their corruption is. How could people seriously feel that they win? You have me a little dizzy now Rahm, but I hope your day goes well and I hope you continue to support me in surviving. muah.