Something to be happy about: Sprightly Finesse

I've wished I could have traveled more and had more venues as a crafter in the past several years. I at least got to pick up some finally living here in Pittsburgh, but I wish I would have had been able to have made more of a hobby with it. Other priorities and financial demands have mattered more. Tonight I was right in center of downtown Pittsburgh, Market Square. It is a very nice location. It got very cold but the sales were better than the last one, which is more predictable to sell in the weather. Not always easy sitting in the cold that long for the number of hours. I can reflect some from the Sunday flea markets in Cumberland. It isn't the best memories having been isolated, watched, and restrained then. Although it was the only thing I was capable of enabling myself to do, I still enjoyed doing it. I have felt hunted, isolated, watched, and restrained in some instances for a long time including tonight, but I would say Market Square isn't as bad as Cumberland. People were so ridiculous, extreme, and judgmental in Cumberland. Whether I'm crafting or not crafting, it still isn't the main variable. Something follows me wherever I go. In the lightest of ways, it is like a heard echo. I'm not just hearing my echo, someone hears some things I say to my face while other messages and leads could be there but aren't always reachable or attainable if I wanted to try to figure something out. The heaviest is being judged, hunted, and over criticized. It wasn't an entirely evil night. There seemed to be some jovial atmosphere there. It's just mean for the way some people would intentionally watch me too closely to judge or hunt me. I felt very victimized and hunted in some instances where someone was wanting to force me in a corner. Somebody really wants to hurt me with how much they intentionally want me to feel interrogated, tested, and questioned. Whether or not it is the blogging that some people could have a problem with, I carry on in my own leisure anyway with giving myself that much of a license to blog over anything with the amount of isolation that I've lived with. I'm not entirely left alone, but although I'm still victimized life has improved some with being left alone and not as harassed.. I still scream to this day but earlier years were worse.... I saw the 3 present Bollywood men tonight along with the rest of the profile and it while it has always been disappointing to have the Bollywood living over me, I wasn't surprised that I still saw the Bollywood I saw. I tawt I taw. I did. There was a quick moment where there was a man who looked like Dr. Wawa was standing right in front of me. I saw him one time in Cumberland too. It was more embarrassing than to have just been a crafter in those days. I think I was too mad to care at the time with whatever impression I made on Dr. Wawa. It was like there were times his Bollywood was being aggressive for me and wanting to get my attention while I have always left him in the cold through the years, but why couldn't he just hit his own wall in his betrayal? Why did he always avoid it and act like it wasn't there? Why couldn't he see even after so many other guys that the issue of betraying me wasn't an issue he could dodge and if he seriously was wanting to be aggressive and get my attention that he really should have found something to say? While he could have been in a number of relationships through the years or even married by now, he should have understood he was his own stalwart and damnation during the times he was pursuing me. After all this time does it matter anymore? It still matters to this day. While it is so evil and unthinkably wrong for some people wanting to keep me judged in the same exact way and allow the same certain people to have reign and rule over I seriously need a fucking hero. I need a hero today just as much as I needed then. I am dying and don't let me die like that Dr. Wawa. I've probably talked too much and went too much on a brain storm but I thought to figure out something to say.

All is fair in love and war? pt 3 Staying in and going out of the Danger Zone

Nobody likes being gossiped about/against. Nobody ESPECIALLY likes to be in restraint or blinded when being gossiped about/against. When being restrained for a most serious enemy; it is beyond cruel and brutal..... Whatever was keeping me stared at and forced terror on me I am keeping stared down with murder....Before I go into that terrorist, I'm walking out of the danger zone with R!@k#, my present guy. He may be a little mad if he knew I were continuing on and talking about him in one way or another, but its the point to my title "All is fair...." I've been severely betrayed with too many other guys and their gossip and judgment. I'd hate the thought of him being a seriously more clean slate tainted with the worst cruel games and lies of others and it isn't even that I want him tainted or in deep with others beyond brutal games. Anyway, He and I had another good time last night. I would say it was mostly well. He was a little on the side of "I hope you're not a crazy one," but didn't get deep or elaborate with that. It was mostly a normal night and I tried to tell him more about Narnia and the closet/other world concept. We spent more time talking about other things and having fun. There was nothing about him that was keeping me tested to my face the way I was being tested on msn. He stayed an affectionate sweet talker and we still have another date. While I still can't put any of my personal judgment of belief in a worst rapist enemy on him, I will say I think he has some shadiness to him. I think he has a knowledge and knowing of me and other people. While I can't say he has pulled any trigger, I can say I think he has some knowledge. He brought up OJ Simpson last night. I asked him if he liked OJ and he had a quick response of "no" and keeping him a dogged man. The shadiness is a good and bad thing. I was saved from some feelings of loneliness and isolation, but the rest of the control he has with his knowledge and isolation is a very blinding thing. I enjoyed having a couple more laughs and kisses with him...….Staying in the danger zone. It's been an abstract thing I have had no choice over. The continued stare of terror and defiance... I feel I couldn't hate Stacy anymore with my life than what I do. Besides thinking she is severely sick and savage in the head, whatever man keeps threatening me with her is too. I would guess Jon, Don Jr., or Sidney, but some rapist bastard of a man must be helping Stacy's rapist bastard. I know some people feel they can beat other people with the worst simple statement of "it is what it is." You can't change what something is to me with Stacy, or anyone else. There is nothing more to it than that. Whomever wants to keep challenging me to Stacy's rapist bastard is nothing but a fellow rapist bastard who wants to throw another terrorizing, beyond cruel, hateful fit to my face and being a sore loser wishing they could change the way I thought or felt. I hate being forced to be provoked by this continued terrorism where someone won't stop threatening me with the way Stacy refuses to be told no and to stop. Like Stacy has the right to have her way with me; call the shots; be the dominate judge. You are nothing but a sick shameless act of rape and terrorism. I believe in details too much to ever feel like I could have an exact matching revenge. If I could have any kind of revenge against such a seriously shameless battery against my respect, I'd find some worst Butch kind of a man who has been in and out of jail several times with the worst record, worst education, and worst respect and I would have him put on such a seriously high pedestal where the bastard rapists would be forced to be threatened over anything Butch says or does. It isn't even that I would have to date or even be touched by Butch. Butch wouldn't know what it means to stop with my terrorists. Butch would never be told "no." Butch would roam free with his worst shot calling judgment and able to put them to the test in the worst way over anything, anytime. Butch will morbidly put his lies and blame for what he does on his same lied against and disgraced victims. The terrorists will be forced to take and put up with everything Butch does. They will be forced to lose to Butch with no mercy. If there was an expensively detailed revenge I could see to my face, I'd love to see my terrorists in their own worst terror. Just get bossed around with no mercy with Butch. Have salt rubbed in your wounds countless times. Feel like everything you say will always be found in deaf ears. You were always most willing with Butch.

Love love love

I still won't say your name and can't think of a code name and although I will give you a degrading name of boat #15 (no code to the number) I am under a serious spell for you and want you to know how much I know I want you. Don't hate me for refusing to say no and showing no resistance. Whether or not I am too naïve for you, you are more than enough and too perfect. You already have me won over and if I lose you because of it; I am your best sport of a loser. Unless you severely make me feel betrayed, gang banged, and let down to become a dime a dozen like all of the rest, I think the world of you. I am tormented though. I know I don't completely have you and it is like you more than have the love and acknowledgment that I need. You make me feel like you want to be on my side and make me feel very held and like you want to protect me and I'm in both serious appreciation and in torment. You break my heart and my heart breaks for you. I'm not sure if I have you in torment over my younger age and that you feel I could be too impossible of a person for you to take and let win. I wouldn't say we are even in the torment department. …..I could be mistaken that you have a racy and semi violent fantasy out there for me where you make a blow up doll of me for yourself anyway. You play with the man's rules of protection and respect and keep me at the bottom of the ladder of protection and compete in that bottom blow up doll rung anyway. Sorry if I have you mistaken, but it would feel so good to be your blow up doll like that. You are a man I would naturally trust but you could have the potential not to be trusted with that. Do you really mean to have me so violently seduced? Again, don't hat me for not telling you "no." Boat #15, I wonder if you have more of war and anger for the self righteous or the judged or you have your own perfectly imperfect balance somewhere in between of your own set of rules. Do you see any of my judgement and are angered? Are you a Christian neo-fascist in some ways? Are there some common judgments against people you would never judge people for? You make me feel like you want to relate with me with just how much of a person's entire story matters and there are things that should be understood. I know I am a punished and hated person for numbers of reasons. Have you ever punished me? Have you ever wanted me to be the victim of my own judgment or is that someone else's doing that neither of us may not know. I may be rambling too far and you might not want to talk about things that are most in the role you play. You may have wanted to use me as somewhat of a vacation, but it isn't that you are against yourself that I would believe. Boat #15, you could have me anytime you want to. You could be too good to be true but you are a love at first sight heartbreak at first sight anyway. I love to feel your love.

For the sake of my peace of mind

I've been so angry and upset in a long term way and in the last day or two. Before I get additional threats with the worst daring threats of interrogation, I will continue to make my same shameless statement of just how blameless I will always feel. I know I have been forced to face some threats in the past couple of days and I am very blind sided to where the threats are coming from. I know I have a savage pig on my back who I can only identify as a Gadaffi and child because they have such a murderous problem that I indeed stay my number one and give myself a dominant compliment. I would assume it to be a man because they will always have the most chauvinistic right. For the rest of the audience who has any wonder, I am a deeply insulted person who knows she shouldn't have to keep putting up with the harassment and abuse. I will always see myself as a blameless person. I have already stated the normalcy I know I deserve and that only certain compromises are acceptable. The same patterns to my Zooey Deschanel "Why do you let me stay here," music video keep repeating as if I were to blame for a man's behavior and right. I feel so provoked by some men who intentionally refuse to listen and keep trying to force whatever their dominant compliments are on me and force me to be subservient. I hate that they don't understand how ugly dark and mean of a stone cold heart they have with me. I am blameless. If a man knows he won't be worth it to me, they shouldn't even bother. Yet, I am forced to suffer the same pattern and repetition of the same arrogance. It is ok to have some arrogance. I still choose to judge the majority of men to have a shameless childish intentional large level of arrogance with no fairness or common sense. I find myself to be too faultless and blameless for having always had the most intentional act. Women have always been the worst most arrogant while I know men before have wanted to beg the question "I must be some lesbian because of how unattractive and unworthy of a man I think they are." I still refuse to be a lesbian as a result of the unceased harassment and that I have never found a better and fair match. I remain a single woman who will most likely be cursed to remain single because I have no other choice than to have a huge chip on my shoulder because men won't shut their worst judgmental mouth and know how to have any heart or common sense.

Tell You What....

You turn me on so much and I feel like I can just melt and die at times and I know I am still in my same paranormal dilemma. Your possessiveness does not have me angry yet and I would rather you be a rough possessive man rather than some kind of competitive narc. Your possessiveness still isn't fair. I would like to say I'm yours but I'm impatient. Maybe you fear me being taken or snatched from you by another guy, and in my honesty, I fear you being taken too. I worry about being played some but you already have the marriage vice on me, so I'm not in that state of mind as I normally can be. If you are lying for the nookie; I'd rather you find some other strategy or just be straight forward. You shouldn't mess with a woman's emotions like that. I still won't say I'm officially bonified with you, but the marriage vice is your vice. I'm tired, fragile, impatient, and have a good bit of hopelessness. You keep having periods of mentally grasping me and keeping me so seduced in the head. You keep bringing me back to life with your "quell electrode" seduction or whatever those things are technically called. I'm telling you though, it happens all the time and my impatience makes my will to care fade. What are you waiting on Cisco? Are you waiting for me to say something? For me to change in some way? Are you waiting for something from someone else? What are you waiting for? Right now, I'm glad I can ask you in a kinder way, but I'm not understanding why our connection has to be this way? Why are we in the paranormal like this? I know I feel threatened with your possessiveness and your "if I dare cheat" vice (and it feels so good) but if the distance and paranormal remains the same; I will eventually take the risk of an injury, hurt, or pain if you do force me to suffer some consequences of cheating. I have been thinking of getting back on "flirt for free" with some of the free time I have in the past few days but I just can't do it right now. I probably will eventually have a one night stand or finally get a membership on some dating site finally checked off on my to do list. I probably will eventually cheat in some way or another, but don't know when my breaking point will be.... I plan on going to the game on labor day. Unless I see some kind of threat or sign to not go at all, I'll probably change my mind. I know it is impossible for you to personally meet me in the stadium, but I will show up to a game just for you. I knew you would get me hooked harder when I first started to yell at you with the way you were wanting to keep me and have been keeping me, but I'm fragile and don't want my heart to break because I get led on and let down yet again. I need you to understand that although I care for you, I have lived through the same impatient story too much and can only wait for something to happen. I can't have a relationship in just the paranormal. I need you literally and physically in my life and if there is something you are intentionally waiting for, you should know whatever it is you are waiting for.

Random Thoughts

With so much terrible things and misery going on lately; I will finally land some relief tomorrow. While I still have a load of bills; I'm getting my air conditioning fixed tomorrow anyway. That is $1,000.00 total in the past 3 months on the air conditioning. Life is so tough when major expenses come up and it has definitely been such a serious miserable experience in driving around in the heat as a delivery driver in pretty much a full 2 month period. Of all the things I'll never uncontrollably have enough of, hardships are another thing to add to the list. ….. I really can't afford this weekend coming up but am making myself anyway. It is the only time that is right. I keep putting off going to a kids day Pirate game, and I can't put it off anymore. I always put things off and before I know it, it is too late. Mitzi didn't want to go to a regular game, so I can only pick a day where it is kids day. I have my niece and nephew coming in too. It sucks that it is supposed to rain this weekend. Everything I have planned on doing is outside, so now I have to search out other options to keep the family entertained if the weather gets too bad. They are staying longer than expected and the visit will be more awkward with all of the extra time. I have limited hum drum conversation with my sister. I'll never be on good terms with her, but I'm not going to feel too guilty about anything I've said. I'm not looking to pick any fights with her but I won't be surprised if anybody makes me feel blackmailed or stockholmed in some ways. Of all the times Mitzi visits her and she hosts her; I feel more than obligated to host the kids. It matters to still have my niece and nephew in our lives.... I have a couple of hunches with this Jon guy and even theories. I'm frustrated over his mystery. There is another mysterious person who makes me have some understanding with her. She is as much as a stranger but strangely makes me feel comfortable and wants to be my friend, but it just doesn't feel right to lead her on. Jon is a questionably two faced person but can have a warm and comforting approach. I think they are both really nice and don't like leaving me alone in my isolation in the right particular way. Yet, they are distant and do not completely bridge the gap. I saw a sign about the "ICE," police the other day and didn't get the message or what even defines "ICE," and what the whole thing is supposed to mean. I'm not the one who is communicating like that; I don't know why I should be made to feel responsible when I feel like I can already outdo Bollywood with my own communication. I think ICE has some relation to Bollywood, but I don't take responsibility for Bollywood. One theory I fear about Jon is that its Sidney playing his own mysterious communication guise game which is very threatening, stockholming, evil, and mean. Another theory is that it is one particular cop or what appears to be one person that is some weird entity. If the cops are wanting to reach, connect, and comfort me I don't like the creepy entity they would be. I believe it is one to two who want to reach me with I'm not alone. Jon doesn't appear to be a judgmental kind that I can see. He seems to have a one track mind though. If Jon were a cop, I just don't think I could ever be in a relationship with a cop. I can't stand judgmental people the most. Cops just have to be judgmental like that, along with being interrogating, and too skeptical. It is too much negativity for me to additionally handle. I seriously need an emotional connection in my life. Jon you are the one who is being impossible with me. You are still too much of a mysterious stranger that doesn't have a whole lot to say to me either. You want me to do all of the talking and I technically am right now, but you are more impossible than you know. I've had to deal with too much piggish behavior than I can stand and as much as you want me to worry about what you think of me, you should worry with what I think of you. Again, I seriously need an emotional connection in my life and someone who gets paranoid about having too much of a reputation of a pig. You do not want to be a pig with me.

Tales From the Crypt: Taxes and Narc Wars

Today was devastating. The scammers took my time, my money, and left me angry and distraught. They were questionable from the start. They left me with the same harassing call and message yesterday where you can only call the number back. They threatened that I had committed some crime with my taxes and if that I didn't want to get arrested, I have to call back. I called back twice and was hung up on both times. So, I figured they were frightened scammers. I got a call again today which was a little more convincing and I had more than a full conversation. I knew I was innocent and hadn't committed a crime on my taxes but this guy remained insistent and said I had one initial choice of an answer if I had intentionally committed a crime or if it were my own error. I was yelling and cussing at him at some points because they were asking for their made up full amount of 5,000.00 some odd dollars. I told them I had bills to pay and there was no possible way I could pay any large sum, and then they were asking for 500.00 saying they would do monthly payments. I still said 500.00 was too much but then he asked me if I would rather be in jail for not paying or having some kind of late bill payment. I asked if I could work something out with money and call back later and he said the minute I hung up on him, he would freeze my account and send out a warrant for my arrest. I chose to be blackmailed, made a fool of, and bullied. Besides those said threats, he had me threatened in his crackhead stalker way with his crackhead interrogating judgment where he mimicked some simple statements I already made outside of the call as if they seriously meant anything. The entire time, he made it his point to judge me, seriously dog me, and boss me around. Besides him wanting to rob me, it was like the call was most focused on the constant issue of being made a basement slave and being dogged and judged in the worst way with someone's dumb crackhead violence. He was a very bold-faced and unsaid stalker. I purposely asked him if his name was "Jim." and he said no, it was some "Dominic Taylor" name. I really wanted to go at his unprofessional behavior and the way he was keeping me interrogated and dogged in the worst intentional way and made him take a hint I wanted to make fun of him. He was so life threatening, I was mostly quiet and stayed bullied. I just took it. It was another harassing and threatening assault and although it was over the phone; I knew they were watching me and stalking me. I have audibly heard stalking comments before and it used to come as a most life threatening shock, but I've grown numb to a lot of possessive threats over the years. I still feel more terrified at sometimes more than others. I was a little terrified, but a little bit of a shameless mocker. I was a real hostage. I drove all the way to Kmart and then to my house while he waited for me to do what he told me. ………… Had it been Jim's doing, I wouldn't be surprised if he has some insiders in the IRS who would let him get away at charging me with whatever dollar amount. I believe him to be a most dominant Gaddafi Moammar who wants to beat me to death over his totalitarian ways. Who was I ever to reject him or the people he valued? Who was I to ever test the idea of being a prostitute when he more than feels he should force his rapist prostitution on me that I should pay for. I'm the one who has to pay a price, not Jim ever. He wants to protect his wealth and the wealth of his "queens." If that means corruption and death threats to the utmost extreme to keep his and his others protected, he will put my life on the line for his tyranny. Jim and Justin. Justin means it with his narcism the most and has the most severe rage at any hint of me thinking I'm too good for the either of them. It is most believably them or someone else out there who will put my life on the line for their tyranny. I hate that I have to believe in Sidney's association with them and the possibility that they were being murderously and hatefully gay against me together and it is such a murderous poison of Sidney's to have wanting to keep sleeping with me like it was nothing. I think Jim wants to own Guantanamo whether it is on purpose or not. I'm not surprised with Jim's sadism at all. I couldn't get over Sidney would be the next gang banger like I never existed and had no history. It was so brutally mean of Sidney to be such a straight up nigger like that. I could be assuming too much and getting fed lies, but it sounds like something that is possible to believe. Its sick of them to know things and keep acting like I'm that nameless. Sidney seems to have killed to have so many inhumane crimes against me that I seriously can't have anymore to say to him. He looks like he has the most severe hate against me where he probably does want to have his own hate club. He poses as severely ignorant sometimes but I can't get over he would be that ignorant with me....