Dying

I can only put myself out of my misery.
What a long death/kill whatever.
The matador concept is a very big truth and I know what my real perception is no matter what anyone says or assumes. The game isn't always the concept of the matador, but most often, it is just fights fights fights fights fights.....
I see your raging bull continues on with the whole gitmo thing. Fine, you can have it your way. Forget the lust I have for you, I will go for the real literal bull and fucking hump that thing to pieces:

Look at that sexy bitch. One of its damn horns is already ripped off dammit.
(Jon I swear if you seriously put my money where my mouth is I will neverendingly scream for justice and want you murdered for the sex offender you have been. )

<a href="http://photobucket.com/images/bull" target="_blank"><img src="http://i578.photobucket.com/albums/ss224/NPKillion/BULL.jpg" border="0" alt="bull Pictures, Images and Photos"/></a>

http://i578.photobucket.com/albums/ss224/NPKillion/BULL.jpg
Further on with some role playing, and continued objectification games or whatever it is with you.
If I am the one who is the matador, this is the way it is going to be:

Tom Petty- Last Dance With Mary Jane
http://youtu.be/aowSGxim_O8

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Limp fuck after limp fuck after limp fuck. I know we have never fucked but I've seen the perv you are and that you sexually correlate things anyway.

If I am the one who is the bull. It is more like a dumbass deer looking in a car's headlights. What the hell is your matador trying to achieve? What the fuck am I supposed to do with more insults and offenses? I'd probably just sit there and keep staring at you. hhhmmmmmmmmm? hhhuuuuhhhhhh?

I really do feel violently insulted and offended. I can't take your hate or your lies or your truth. So many times you bullshit and play games, I don't know what your lies or truths are. You make your hate very clear. And afterawhile, things die and your continued fights fights fights just are pointless. Fine, you hate me, you want to use and abuse me in your own ways that have yet to make sense.

Dear Charlie

While I have not yet been around to everyplace to gather some info, I think I have seen enough for right now to have some things to say. I will say it again that I remain anorexic to all names and blended looks. I could guess your motive could be part of the cycle that involves the "honeymoon,"; you could be playing your own testing games; trying to either kiss up to or provoke me. Whatever the motive, I'm just not really going to go with your flow. I really am trying to survive and be cooperative as I can......
 There are some things you make clear and some things you do not make clear enough, so right now my best instinct would be to give you a little more acknowledgement.......As much as I said "To Rome with Love," is a lie, I would say it to "Savages," as well. I think there is some truth in some movies. You definitely come across as extremely terrorizing in Savages..... In a side trail of thought..... the arbitrage and identities are not completely clear. I have my own best guesses and definite answers of some men who I know are guilty of sexual violence and offenses. The further acknowledgement is, I can see how I am suppose to take some of the sexual savagry. A reminder, besides the broadness of arbitrage, I still have my own snowflake perspective and know that every man has his own story. The whys or reasoning could be different or the same in some cases. I personally have my own guesses as to the whys: Anger because I am not loyal; Anger because I am a rat of some sort; Anger because you and/or other men do not have sexual control or any sort of sexual control they want; Anger because some of the sexual control wants be to be a lesbian; or even the most updated said anger: crimes of passion or rage. There is still vagueness in the passion or rage because it can still be further defined.
I used to think Benecio del Torro was an attractive man with his own unique attractiveness. I no longer think that after seeing this movie. I notice in other movies he usually has the worst hand of cards. It makes me wonder a little more about his arbitrage as a whole, but I don't care to wonder too much anymore despite the sadness of it all.
Charlie, I can't see your intentions or motives yet for what they really could be. I don't think some men comprehend or understand just how much they sabatoge love if love is what they are really after when they make the choice to dehumanize, to be chauvenistic and psychotically demonizing, to be psychotically authoritarian or controlling. So currently even on your show even if you are wanting to warm me up with some of the backwardness and cynicism, Savages is speaking a little louder right now.
For you or for anyman who ever would want me to consider a serious or any sort of relationship, every single man included in Benecio del Torro's arbitrage would be the last I would consider. Not just because of being a drug lord, but even worse in the way he was a savage. I would not want Mitzi around someone of that persona.
I think it is possible Jon is included in this one and the message to him is almost the same as it is with Charlie and Benecio, but he isn't even kidding me that he is in it for love. Jon does nothing but sabatoge and brutalize and make every effort to break my heart. I'm still unsure with what is going on with him right now. Maybe there is a larger cooperation of us fading but I'm not even sure of what Dr. Oz is trying to say now either.

Random Thoughts

One of the good things right now that I'm looking forward to is a marathon at the beginning of next month. I have a practice run tonight and of all days, it is 90 degree weather. I guess I could expect such a hot day in the summer. I wonder how much weight I've lost if I have lost any. I havn't checked the scale and will eventually do it when I think I can take it to see.-----------------------------------------
There is so much to do and it seems there is never enough time in the day. Knitting, crafting, chores, taking care of Mitzi, and I don't even have a job yet. I will eventually apply and the one of the next things on my endless list of things to do is to make a resume. I did start and have actually finished my cover letter but have yet to get around finishing my resume. I'm anxious to look up more festivals to display. Still poor in such an agonizing way. I really feel the rest of my life is doomed to the analogy of a camel. Some times life is not so bad. Other times I have the satisfaction of knowing that I am fulfilling something I would rather do than something else. Not many options as there should be in such a world that I'm not even going to describe right now. ------------------------------------------------------------
One thing that really has surprised me is the newest show coming out on FX with Anger Management. I lost track of the other 2 shows with Wilfred and Louie simply because I was too offended to finish watching. So far with Anger Management, I consider my approach to be nothing but surprised, observant, and curious to see what it is about. It definitely gets my attention, but I will leave it as just that. If characters are supposed to mean something to me, I'm not 100% sure who they are or what they should mean to me if there were anything directed at me. ----------------------------------------------------------
Usually, I really don't look out for my ego too much. There is a difference in having an ego and being egocentric. I know I have been fed up with Egocentric people for a long time now. However, there are times that I just have to be remindful especially during times that I feel suffocated by either a pig or a number of pigs. There is only one psychotic stalker I see right now which is Denny Williamson and I will make it personal that this blog is not about him at all. He remains in a rapist denial that I look up to him and live to impress or appease him. So yes, in this instance, I will be very clear and remindful for the sake of my very ignored and unacknowledged being.

Random Thoughts

Just another day in the life of me.... My garden is a flop. I will try again at a different time, but not sure this year. I'm going to have to put more effort, research, and an investment before I try again. My biggest mistake was putting the soil on top of the grass because the grass just grew through it and grass counts as a weed. I havn't seen any other plants grow. So, I'll have to start all over again with additional supplies and knowledge next time. I have also come to a decision that I'm not going to invest as much in the spring/summertime crafting. Besides my winter accessories, some stuff sells, but not enough. So, this year, I've come to a different conclusion of how I will manage my crafts; goals to make; and times to sell. I may do maybe 2 or 3 more flea markets with some of the other stuff I have to sell, but it is going to be dependent on things and random. I have a load of pillows and books to get rid of to make a few extra bucks. One good thing coming up is a possible job opportunity. I'll be finding out more today, but if things work out, one major stressor will be out of the way. Besides the stress of not having a job, I have had a slight enjoyment in the spring with being a simple homebody. It is definitely not something that I like or even make a goal for. But when I have the house to myself, I've been watching some movies or listening to country music. I also feel more relaxed when a clean home is a happy home, but because of the baby, I don't have as much time to clean as before. I also have been thinking about the usual spring and summer things I do and I think I'll probably go to one of the next art walks. I think there may have already been one or two, but it is something that I will eventually get around to. I havn't decided what I'll be doing with other events but I'll probably be spontaneous. I found a new country song that I like that is simply happy go lucky, and although I havn't done any partying yet, this song gets stuck in my head sometimes:

Random thoughts

This is just a blog in the day of the life of me. Although there are still too many negatives in my life and things to be anxious about; I do have just a few things to be excited about in the next couple of weeks.... I finally got my gourd garden started. I planted a few other kinds of seeds as well. I'll just say that I know I'm not the professional gardener. I am an experimental novice and I'm alright with that. I may compete in some top rated garden contests one day. Maybe my yard will even be in a picture of a gardening magazine if I ever get rich enough to have a nice place of my own. For now, I'm fine being an experimental novice. In all of my knowledge, I did observe on thing and for the time skipped sowing a few seeds. The only seeds I didn't plant were the produce seeds that I had: carrots, watermelon, and peppers. I must have dumped the soil on an ant farm because one section of the soil had ants swarming in it. I thought to myself, ~damn, now I'm going to have to buy some kind of gardening bug spray. I saw at the dollar store that that stuff wasn't cheap. In addition, so much to have the label to say that my plants are organically grown. I think I could have put another layer of soil on the groud as well because some of the old ground was still coming out of the layer of soil. I'll live and learn and if nothing seriously grows because of it; I'll just have to try again. I've yet to sign up for one official marathon but I have started walking again. I will eventually be up to my usual distance, but I won't be able to as often since I have my baby. I have yet to decide if I want to be taking a stroller on the canal through the woods. On a few occassions I have seen snakes right on the path during my biking or hiking. I'll eventually run with the team but I would actually have to make plans to do that because just getting up and going somewhere isn't possible anymore with a baby. I'm almost ready for the flea markets again and have more crafts for an actual art gallery/store to display. I won't be putting them on ebay, but I may have a ~show and tell~ blog later of some of the pictures of my other crafts. This year, I have a little more satisfaction and pride at my art work. Along the way, some crafts have been experimental or mess-ups. I feel my work has improved a little and I'm happy about it. I hope I have better luck during this spring/summer season at the flea market this year. I already have made some things that are greatly reduced prices and the stuff from the previous year are being marked down. I may eventually put them at regular price if I enhance a few things and they sell better. The idea of finding a job is still something to be anxious for. I havn't started looking yet, but once I get a few things out of the way, it is something to have on the to do list. Love life is still crappy and not something I want to keep a focus on. There are some people things that I just pay attention to anyway.

Random Thoughts

Just about my life............
I have been gradually getting a little better. I plan on starting to walk again after this brief chilled weather is over in a few days. Exercize walking. I am able to walk. I have yet to make up my mind if I will be doing a 5K in the beginning/middle of May. In being a spontaneous person, I don't always have such a serious structure especially with things like walking. I guess it depends on how severe of a diet that I'm on to how structured I would be. But right now, I am taking it easy. I guess I'll make a decision pretty soon before it is too late, but if not in May there are a couple of marathons in June I could do and I would have a better stamina build by then.
I am still getting impatient with recovery. Sometimes there are chores or lifting around the house that I can't stand not doing and having to wait for someone's help. There have been some other things that just have to wait time out....
There are still a lot of things to be anxious about. I'm glad some sales are a little better on ebay and I have products to continue to make. There is basically one mosaic design in jewelry boxes that sells well. As for the mosaic frames, the sales aren't the greatest. I think I will probably make just a few more but have more of a focus on the jewelry boxes.
I'm anxious to get a real job too but that is still another thing in waiting time out. I've been thinking more about jobs as a whole and I'll just keep that to myself rather than gab about it.
Mitzi officially turned 2 weeks old yesterday. I am getting used to the whole baby thing, but whenever I find a job, there will be a lot of more planning and adjustments to make. God, I better find a job.
Despite so much anxiety, I am happy to be excited about being on a marathon team. I can't wait until I come to some of the practices and official marathons. It definitely is something new to do other than running on my own, but I'll still probably have my own times of running, well, walking on my own.

Funny cheese I found when watching the "My Week With Mariyln," On the recent one she sang something about her own seed in the song, but this is the real version with Marilyn:

Dear Jon

I have yet to look at all of the clips on the Today show, but I'm taking it as you're giving me some homework to do........I also could be wondering if it is you who are writing a script right now because I'm having a difficult time with breathing.
Anyway, from the video clips of your show, while there were several comments and arguments about Palin to pile on me, you seemed to put some more emphasis on one. I see it as a trunk that has several branches. The comment was when you explained why people don't like Palin and it was somewhere along the lines of: her paranoia and people being out to get her. The first branch: this really isn't a new complaint of yours. I feel 2 knives with it from you. The first knife is you know how frustrated I already am with denial and that I would most likely elaborate and explain "people being out to get me." I'm more conscious of this trick where I feel I'm being set up to be murdered in giving my explanation. The second knife is that you have never and still are not taking me for my word and remain in denial. In general terms, not just for myself but other people, I think paranoia is natural and not always wrong in the sense that it makes the person delusional or a schiz to think that they really are in serious danger. Whether or not you ever side with me on this, you and other people won't change my mind. As for trying to be more explanatory and elaborate in this instance, I'm only playing it safe with the obvious. My main focus of survival is obviously concerning finances: I have the most difficult time in finding and keeping a job. I think I've already had more of a say and explanation in other blogs but I'm keeping it brief in this instance where all I am going to say is: Yes, I am begging the question, "Why?" "Why would I constantly be reduced to nothing and people desperately wanting me to feel inadequate?"
As for the second branch in taking it, I could take it as another hit of being beat into submission because you're picking up on some of the things that hurt me. It is about you being in control.
There was another chord you struck when you said I was contradictory with capitalism and socialism and Obama also being a victim to capitalism. I don't like either system period. Tyranny and discrimination is simply wrong. Socialism can be just as controlling and irrelevant in a lot of cases. It creates more problems than solutions. It creates drama that can be distracting to a focus and sometimes just demanded no matter what. It creates pigeon-holing and judgement that people should have no entitlement over to begin with. Too many people are way too pretentious, confident, and controlling, and it just isn't right and is clearly flawed in so many ways. Some things are just meant for other scenes as bar scenes or actual social gatherings. It isn't right to be controlled or manipulated by drama in the workplace. It is rigging and corrupt, period.

I do appreciate that you're being a little lighter on me, but I know you being the good guy is only temporary for now. Another hunch as to a "why" would be either about the military or police because when I have cried for help to past Dr's they pick up on that I have been too confident for the police and military brutality. Some have already acknowledged it as that and I would even consider you being one predator of playing the role of police brutality. I still don't know what starts it and why; it is just another reminder and reason of how painful it is to have you in my life. I'm not trying to go into dangerous ground, but when I insult you and pity myself this is one reason why.
If there is still no change in my life because it will always be back to back with one main factor of paranoia and denial, I just may eventually cry again. I can't sob now, but when something hits me hard enough again with financial stability to always be impossible, I will most likely cry for myself again. My tears don't always cry to you or anyone's snap of finger.
I may have more to say later after I do the homework with the Today Show.