Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Yes I'm looking back

With some furthered Resistance.................... I was going to make my thoughts a little more careless and negative but it looks like today has already been too negative with the school shooting and I have a shared sympathy and I will soften my thoughts up more where my mind steers.... I'm really not thinking anything can get anywhere now with any guys right now, but I'm in pain and in a present state of submission. I still have such a hard time in saying your name and I'll just have to call you Superman for now. While I don't feel any severe pain right now, I think things may eventually get more painful and I don't think relationships should have to be so hard. ... Did you really treat yourself to some kind of fix because you ruined your Billy Idol by either being gay, or calling me your tran? You did one of the two and I hate being called a tran. It really puts my wall up. You could appear to have some kind of regret and shame, but why did you ruin your Billy Idol like that? Where did you come from and why would you lead me on to let me down? Are you someone's follower, or you have a planned gangster hate attack? (almost along the same lines and probably association with the Pens)... Right now, anything I have to say about the issue of "crackhead love," is only in motivation to be real and have a one on one. So maybe, some people feel they have a need to prove something: maybe it is some sort of emotional proof where a person is just downright vulnerable with: "I can't handle what I've done and I did something so wrong and am in an emotional wreck because of it".... There are several different reasons I strive to be as perfect as I can, but when I miss the mark and can't always be Mrs. perfect, I don't see why I should take on an additional problem; develop a bad habit; do something that isn't really going to solve anything. (I really was going to talk in more negative terms. I really had some real insults that I wanted to lash out with sex, drugs, and rock and roll baby. I'll refrain from my own angry and violent indulgences and just leave it as: I don't like the fascist thought of being seduced into a habit I don't need. Maybe it's all on you and there is nothing influencing about it, but you know I've had some serious and severe problems I've run into after all. You know life is definitely not a cake walk on my end. Maybe you have your own blacklisted comedy where you want to just be my "drug lord," prop as I was telling Sidney in a much earlier conversation..... I don't know why you would compare yourself so much to freaky Petey. I would be careful with the name game if I were you and it isn't always safe to compare people, especially when some communications are so broad and even mysterious on my ends.... You know, I am a little seduced by the thought of sedation and roofies. lol not really too much to be seduced if I would be sleeping anyway but I don't want you to feel entirely shot down and have some heart for you on this Valentines Day. It isn't that I feel I would even need to be sedated but you make me feel a heaviness anymore and the more I know, the more pain I could most likely be in on top of the pain I'm in. Ignorance isn't my bliss either. Leaving me alone and in the dark is heavy and painful too. Shame on me for teasing you and the potential of you wanting to play with that gateway of sedatives. I won't make you feel entirely alone, but if you like to be seduced into those habits, you are. I'm not going to have any political contests or debate with drinking vs. drugs. I do drink and it is all of the habit that I need. It is as far as some satisfaction can get. Drinking can't always satisfy, neither will "other habits." I'm sorry. I just think your appeared approach today was funny looking and I already hate myself some for using my time on you when you show so many bad signs and I feel like you could be a waste of time. I'm taking the time on you and I'm sorry for how mean that is to say, but if you really want to keep me around, I need a better lead than what you give. I could have been your mistake WITH YOUR LACK OF SELF CONTROL who feels HE MADE A MISTAKE WITH ME yet WANTS TO BLAME ME BY HUMILIATING ME WITH CALLING ME A TRAN OR CHEATING ON ME BY BEING GAY WITH A MAN. YOU BULL DOZED ME TWICE ALONG THOSE LINES OF THOUGHT. I'm not telling you to give yourself another fix or take another hit. I'm just telling you to think a little more about your own recklessness and I hate the idea of you wanting to take me down without a fight anymore than what you have. There is a certain way where you look like you care and want to be at the right place and at the right time, even when you want to be here for me in a way where I don't want you to be. You look like you try to show you care about me in a certain way, but I have so many things going on right now where your acura just isn't making the mark enough. Happy Valentines Day Superman. You make me mad but I hope I brightened your day in some ways and can't say I would be too upset if I hadn't. Whether or not you like me enough to stay on your toes for me; I leave myself no other choice towards you. You like someone enough or you don't Superman.