Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Dear Jon

Ok, some specifics. I'll start with some clarity. When I called someone a womanizer the day of one of my first prenatal visits, I wasn't quite sure to assume who I was talking to. I never called one of my Dr's a rapist, you're only creating your own story. There is a possibility he could be responsible in some of the tyranny I've dealt with. I've already been given a hint at one of the Dr's and who she shares a connection with. But, when I initially walked into the office; I didn't really know how I should really perceive the picture.
When I said the term "womanizer," I was directing it most at the person who wrote the article of the picture of the meal I had the previous day: beef and brocolli. Talk about heavy duty stalking and harassment; I don't even know who said it. It is possible that the Dr. could have been a little womanizing in an online article of a story where he felt like a bad man for being a millionare and saying I deserved to have money and that he felt sorry to make me inferior to whatever person he is in a relationship with. It is guesses really.
There was one time during a class that the hospital alarm went off and there was a code red on a different floor. I also have not liked the teacher and have already made a few complaints to some people that I don't like the teacher. And as I've told them already: I'm not there for the teacher; I'm there for the class.
The most obvious paranoia towards you was with the heart Dr, but Jon, I do get the impression that you want to seduce me with playing Dr.... Jon, I really do hate that I have to say you are pretty good at some of your seduction games. It still doesn't feel right to let myself be seduced. You have done some of the worst things to me. I think you even intentionally want me to be digusted with you at times. You really have me at a time where no matter what emotion I have, I don't think it's going to make much of a difference to you. Besides it not feeling right emotionally, it is the disgusting things you have already done that make me feel embarassed to be seduced by you. If you're going to seduce me anyway, I'd rather not be reminded of reasons to be embarassed. I think you have your own paranormal, indescribable way of hacking in my head sometimes, and I don't really know what to say to you with a number of things.
I really don't like the position you're putting me in right now. I'd rather not this conversation be so out there and exposed, especially when some of the info is in regards to where I will be giving birth. I wish you would have found a different way to connect to me by now.
I don't know what else you want right now. I might pick up on things later. I did watch the movie "Selena," and the movie didn't even say what the reason was over the person who murdered her. Oh that's right it was actually a woman. It didn't make any sense why she murdered Selena. If I am supposed to be paranoid; I don't know how this movie would correlate to me in being worried over being murdered. I am just now watching Jersey Shore and Mad Men and I am also going to catch up on Jon Benjamin has a Van. I will probably add that to the list today too.
Nothing much else to say; Still early in the day.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Saturday short and sweet

Well, not really. For the sake of Valentine's, I could say semi-sweet. I'm thinking about clicking on more articles, but sometimes, I just don't feel like browsing or reading anything.
I don't know who the lullaby guy is who sings puppies to sleep. I have to use my imagination. It could be a real political leader. If it is, I take it in a light-hearted way where everything is ok for the time. If it is John, the baby's dad, I don't take it light-hearted. I really don't want to go into any major elaborations of why I hate the male population in general terms, but talk is cheap John. We are in some major fueding drama and you just want to sugar coat yourself and act as if everything is ok with us. It is not, and I'm not appreciating your egocentrism. I can scoff at this tumor, but I'm not sure how many other tumors you have.
With other guys, I'm not really sure right now. There are two older ones I can guess at and I'm just going to keep playing along and being as calm as I can.
I did take note of one NY fashion blog. I'm not really sure how I should read it. I take it as a light-hearted approach, but there are some Peter Pan moments where it just doesn't cut it. If attempts of friendship with Erin or Autumn is being made, it is back to "talk is cheap." I would assume that they could share some responsibility in how damned my life has been. I definitely know more with Erin that she does think it is ok to subject me to her. Approach or no approach, talk is cheap. Call me impossible, I don't care. I don't want their friendship. I've also been seriously damaged already when some of their drama has included other guys. I don't care of any other routes from there. If either John or Jon is giving further bisexual suggestions, they have so much nerve to be suggestive like that. I was never close to the baby's father anyway, but they have both been assholes. I obviously have not conformed to their preference of culture, but just because I bitch a little about faschism doesn't mean that I'm being desperate to fit in. I'm desperate to get them to stop being hateful. If this is what they want to tame their dragon; it's more like trying to tame a sick pig. Jon, I know I went Brittany on you a couple of years ago with "Slave for you," heck I even said it expired when you refreshed your memory. You're taking my Genie too far in what you are demanding. I may eventually have a tougher hooker-like heart one day that won't care what it is being told to do, but until then, my heart isn't tough enough to withstand any neverending type of sexual demands. If I do become a stripper and am experienced enough at being stone cold hearted, your pig just may have its day one day. Until then, you need to figure out more of your wishes at my command in a more possible way. I hate the way I already know I don't have a hooker-heart and you have the potential to make better guesses at me if you actually payed attention to try to make guesses. Just command and I will try to say "yes," as much as I can. I can't say yes to everything, but "yes" or "no" with a straight face and no elaborations is fine with me.
The other John, compared to Jon, you actually are more of a "good guy." Still very bad with your original plans of abortion and how you have been dealing with things in the matrix. However, I'm not your "Genie," one bit. I'm not even going to say how I become a Genie. I just do. You're safer in realizing how impossible I am right now and to not test me in any piggish way or test me at all. I will eventually send you a literal and personal email later. And yes, literal personal emails are different than the matrix or blinding, hustling, media. Much different.

Monday, February 6, 2012


It is no lie that I have been feeling more and more choked by controlling and demanding tyranical people recently. I just can't stand it. People are not God period. If a person has a well-earned title, the title can only go so far and have so much of a description. Nobody deserves to be a slave laborer that can be elaborated in so many ways. ugh.

Madonna vs. MIA. I'm already being stared at the wrong way. If I am being undermined as a high schooler, it is another judgement I roll my eyes at. How dare I like some of Madonna's music. It is the judgemental fault of others with how they symbolically make assumptions with me. This has nothing to do with Hudson if it is her who is being egocentric. If it is Madonna, her own symbolism is only so much. She isn't God either.
MIA damn the structure vs Madonna and a possible symbolic opposing emphasis to damn the system? It can easily be said anarchy and tyranny are one extreme to another. I like MIA too, but however people take me in their own judgement is something I am not responsible for. I know I am a logical and reasonable person. I also know when I am being manipulated and suffering from someone else's slave labor and damning or manipulative pistol whipped communist socialism.
There never was much breathing room. Some people's assumptions cancerously continue to develop at a very quick rate and there is nothing to do about some psychotic authority that exists.

I'm not symbolically sold on either. I simply have some music appreciation for both of them.