Monday, April 24, 2017

For the Sake of Trying: I might be too real

Sidney, I do feel a little pale~ and at some loss of energy and hope. I've been burned a lot and sometimes it really is tough to make myself keep trying and keep caring. There are times I want to be left alone for a good long time and times where I seriously have no hope in ever having any good or real relationship.... A reminder that I don't know what to believe in the arbitrage. It's what you guys will always get for never representing yourself in person: me being questionable, some disbelief and doubt. Sidney, it looks like you and your girlfriend are the most serious of all and I'm just not understanding what your continued prowls are. Maybe you guys did get eloped or something, but what am I supposed to do when I feel pursued by you? I'm not into open relationships at all and I especially hate feeling like a concubine. What is saving you is your aggression and the fact that you're not married. I would have more of an understanding for your will to act like you care if your status was more single and dating, but you have had a long term primary girlfriend. I do feel burned by you after these past couple of days and an instance. I've felt good vibes and bad vibes. I'm not sure how burned by you I should feel but I have just been tired of all the games. I don't have any strong expectations of you, but what I've been needing is a hands down, serious, unquestionably sold win where a man knows how to do things my way without the Bollywood. Easier said than done, and usually when a man is too serious too soon, it scares me off. .....I don't talk about my enemies all the time, but I definitely know that I have them. Whether or not it is Bradley Cooper or David Duchovny messing with me, I despise them both. I would deem them both my sore loser because I refuse to let them have their way with me. I see them as a terrible alpha chauvinistic tyrant who is too vain and dense to understand just how ugly and piggish their demands are. They have left the worse impression on me, and I hate their distant subjective threats. I know I've seen some of Bradley's arbitrage around. He probably is pissed with how much I've told Paris to shove it, but it's their own problem for not wanting to give up on their tyrant ways. Shove both their tyranny. Shove David's sick tyrant. I have some enemies that wants to put me in the worst despair and/or humiliation to force me into a drug fix. Some gangster drug lord is out to get me. Sidney, if you want to save me, lying will seriously not save me, it will make me very very angry........ Sidney, are you really in it to make me feel more despair or humiliation in the most intentional way? Please don't tell me you have a share with David or Bradley. ......... I believe in monogamy. While I have nobody that I personally have any marital intentions with right now; I seriously believe in monogamy. I'm so sick of the games some people play. I can be a little bit of a hypocrite at times in game playing, but I'll understand some complications along with my own personal life complications. I'm still just tired of it all. In non-married relationships, I expect some seriousness to them. Faithfulness has always been a big deal, even though I get the wind of hope knocked out of me often. Some guys have just expected me to put up with some of the worst unfaithful relationships LIKE IT'S NOTHING TO BE CHEATED ON. Eventually, everything is nothing. .......... I don't know if the Kyle "iSpy," song was really from you or not, but I really like that song. I could almost question if a man wants to make me feel like an underdog on purpose, but I really like some of the lyrics to it. lol maybe you were wanting to get me with an indecent marriage proposal, and I should take some of my other thoughts back. lol. not that I would see it as indecent in the song, but with the Bollywood of it all. I'm really not against having friends. It's probably harder for a single woman to have friends than it is for married couples or just couples. I have several reasons that are difficult for me to have friends. If I find some friends, I do, but I'm not going to care too much about not having any. I like the idea of a man wanting to have me all too himself and possessive in some ways. Even then, there is still some forms of possessiveness that I don't find attractive at all. I would hope a man does know how to have the right kind of mind for me. ... I'm really not going to give myself too much of a hope right now or lead myself on too much. I still think you want your girlfriend the most. If there are lines to draw in being played or led on so much to just go for it, I'm just not going to go for it right now. It isn't anything too personal against you Sidney, but I just feel too tired and too burned a little with you and some past instances with some other guys. I'm still contemplating on coming to one of your next upcoming games soon, but I'm not sure whether I will or not. ............

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Random Thoughts and my own two cents

I'm so excited for my spring and summer craft season this year. I'm anxious to get some things done I've yet to finish doing because I have to wait it out a little, but I am quite optimistic. I was so upset yesterday because I messed up with two of my gourds. While I accidentally dropped one of my gourds, I never thought gourds were fragile and breakable. I was able to super glue it back together, but I'm no longer going to put it up for sale because you can tell it broke and was glued back together. I gave it to my mom. lol. With my other gourd, I wasn't following directions enough with my sealer finish and didn't realize that I had to shake the can for an entire minute before spraying it on my gourd. It had a terrible chemical reaction to the paint. At first, I treated it as an entire ruin and was so upset at not just the waste of money but waste of time. I painted a different design over it and it all worked out. It is an expensive and timely mistake to have screw ups with some of my crafts. It isn't as cheap as scribbled paper. I'm still looking into a few different locations and waiting back for my picks. I'm not sure how many I will be able to do yet. I'm not sure if I will be able to do them all but as many as I can.... I seldom talk about some of my own two cents with people. I don't like to come across as being preachy or too boringly opinionated. Most people have opinions about something, but even I don't always like to hear people rambling about some of their opinions. I see myself as being in my own unique situation, but I'm sure I'm not the only Bollywood woman alive. I hate Bollywood and the way it works. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. There is too much gossip and here say and no real talk. I never know where half of the gossip comes from. People seriously expect me to buy into too much of it. I sometimes will question some talk, or conversate with some talk, but I more so hate feeling overpowered by it, or further enabling the Bollywood gossip and here say. I don't always read all the articles either and even the ones I do post. Sometimes, the title or face value of a message is usually all the time I have for. Anyway, this is part of fueling my fire: http://www.msn.com/en-us/video/tunedin/beware-of-this-robocall-scam/vi-BByYkys .... Some gossip is heavy, overpowering, and I am sometimes forced to believe in it. Where does it all really come from though? It's like some people don't want to understand enough that I really do not know where this comes from. How could some people expect me to be so easy with Bollywood and keep the given value of a person to person conversation so overlooked? How could people not want to understand how much more of a person to person reality is that much more of a matter? Yet, people not only want to just bullshit with some Bollywood, they seriously expect you to buy into it more and be more of a sellout for it. I know there are people who want to be in control of the drama. I have been so mad at the control a person has to have over any relationships and drama and whatever right they think they have with either the drama or the agenda. I don't even know who I am talking to half of the time. I have always had no other choice to make Bollywood and the relationships in Bollywood a joke. I make more of a joke out of it sometimes more than others and will take some of it seriously or to heart sometimes, but Bollywood still lacks so much of a real felt reality. This is my two cent personal rant, whoever I could be referring to at any time. It's the same with any Bollywood man. ............... Speaking of gossip and Bollywood was that baseball sign a real sign from my latest Bollywood boyfriend? Once again, I hate the way I feel the enabler to the gossip but maybe someone is keeping Jon's or my other "robots" gossip/rumors/lies out-ratted. Seriously not sure what to believe about the picture. It wasn't a good sign for him to look ungrateful. I felt smitten and hopeless before the sign and am still smitten. I'm just feeling my same Bollywood despair. I'm happy, but I'm not happy, because he is still another Bollywood situation that will most likely go nowhere. Sometimes I let myself feel some kind of comfort and satisfaction of some company, but it is just not comforting or satisfying enough. Is it better for me to feel more alone? Right now, I'm more passive about it than fighting to be alone, but I may eventually give up on the Bollywood more. It really is the Bollywood, ..., it really is the Bollywood. I'm still hesitant to say his name, but I can't think of a nickname for now. I just want him to know it isn't that I don't care about him. I care for you xo...until then....