My Dearest

Why do you have to have such a killer reality? How do I sometimes get stuck with such a high end society guy? I hate knowing you can make me light headed or faint. I hate how small you can make me feel without trying. How did you ever notice me? I was looking a little at the media. I got in a little trouble earlier and was just mad at the fact I don't have your companion around. What a terrible wife I am in not consoling to you with your recent problems. While I feel threatened at a 9 from a scale of 1-10, and ten at the most, its not the same story as yours. I could wonder or question if you've murdered before or were the reason for a person's suicide but its just too mean to ask. Having some kind of responsibility with fatalities and being mentioned in the media must feel like such a heavy weight and brick for you. I'm sorry for the pain you must feel. I'm sure you've felt pain in that and in other media pressures. Today is a good day for you though. You definitely have a distraction to keep your mind off of it and a better light to be shown in. ... The beating I've taken today though is just maddening to me. I can't win no matter what I do in wanting to keep myself afloat. There is a definite way I can't argue with someone about something. My overall personal debate over my life has many things debatable but now my self financing ability has no other choice than taking a hard blow. Besides my finances is another harder blow to my respect as a parent and independent and adequate person. Your asshole had the nerve to call me a "tran," and over-looked my personal oppressions and hardships. My respect and independence needs protection the most. Nevermind that I get "tranned,"-I'd rather call it bossy codependence where I'm treated to no identity and someone wants their glory and credit over my life. It comes and goes from strangers and traffickers every so often. There are times and situations where I would still call "planet of the apes," on certain people (a place where I originally expressed and confided in a hospital). Man it hurts to have my self sufficiency and independence triggered. I wouldn't say a particular person is an ape or the abyss to everything else I vented over. The person is a look-alike of someone I knew many years ago and I definitely would despise being forced to be in bondage to her and thinking she has a seriously superior glory. Man that trafficking is terror.....I do apologize for not making better use of myself sooner in showing a little more sympathy to your troubles and problems. Would you send me some kind of console or companionship my dearest isolator?

Tough Bravery

So... I have started along the path of being open to a sperm donor awhile ago... While I feel more of a loss of hope in ever having the ideal kind of relationship I would want to have, it doesn't mean I'd never want that ideal. It isn't that I have closed all my doors either and with a strong brow not meaning to sound, "the most easy," like some failing men would intentionally want to take me as. Like I ever would let that be an argument. I will admit to having more than 1 interest of men at once. Like it is fair for some men to have a time period to decide just one (which I question if they ever will just want one), so it should be for women to have their time period of being a little uncertain. ... Anyway, while it seems I somehow and sometimes win a mutual attraction to a big name, I'm still open to being in relationships with men who don't have the biggest or most known name. ... Right now, I'm thinking about the what if of a big name/ celebrity name. What if a celeb had the intel to know I was looking for a donor and they had their own way of looking for a nest and since I don't have the advantages they do, wouldn't that make my lesser advantaged individual some kind of advantage. I used to be harder on the issue but people just have their personal attractions for whatever reason. A person can't ignore an advantage issue but does it always have to be the most fixated or prime issue? ... I'm not a person who considers myself to be media obsessed or a star stalker but I have heard the rumors of celebs especially having many kinds and many baby mamas. Because they have such wealth and money, produce and multiply without worrying about a traditional reputation. .... Would some thoughts or factors kill me? It really all depends. It is how a man would make his choice and how much he cares and how much he would give any kind of protection at all. It all depends. .... How to talk in caution has always seemed impossible. I'm not going to say a specific name but he looks a little like Ashton Kutcher. While I'm not out to hit Ashton with a bus right now, it is seriously fair to say the number of times he threw me under the bus and THREW HIS CAUTION TO THE WIND. He also looks like Christian from 50 shades of grey, but don't expect me to stay in your basement with what some of your unfairness's are Ashton Kutcher. So, Ashton really has broke my heart before. In past times, I assumed him to be the open relationship type of guy but he seemed to be a protector for a period of time in his own way and then I never felt safe with him again and never will. He had a couple of his own cheats on me with a few of my most common enemies. There are men who cheat with a stranger and then men who cheat with someone who they should never seriously cheat you with. It was severely heartless of Ashton and Ashton had no shame. Ashton was another jerk who wasn't going to understand me and intentionally would not understand me. He was another jerk who was wanting me to be a lesbian and had many other denials over who I was against me. There is no way on earth Ashton could say he can protect me and my will to live. He is not for my will to live. ... So me knowing this with Ashton and the way arbitrage and lookalikes normally go, I just have my own personal bias and stereotype of Ashton. If someone who looks like him, is like him and thinks like him, the answer is really "NO." If a guy would care to fight to say, I'm seriously not like him, I'd give more of an open door..... My next side thought is back to the celebrity produce and multiply issue. My sense of self and ideals are: I'm not into open relationships. If you are wanting the option of being in a relationship with me and no one else, I would see some kind of possibility maybe. Besides having a baby with me, you would also have to love,protect, and care for the babies siblings just as much.... Not being open and easy with every man wearing the title of a celebrity. If it isn't the relationship a man was looking for and he was wanting another nest, I get full custody. If he is in another relationship with someone else, I don't want to be her friend or girlfriend. As long as I'm on good terms with the dad, he can still visit but his other is not allowed and he has to respect the territorial woman I am. There is no treating me or my kids as a subject or servant. These are the thoughts that I think.