Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Need more

I really don't express my neediness that often. I've been overedge, but I could really use more of a fix or relief right now that of course doesn't involve drugs or something else. I still deny that I've done drugs, but I've known the trash talk of others and assumptions made....anyway....where to begin....
I hate that someone is already being aggressive with the job situation. I was going to actually go there in this blog and still am but I hate that I am now aware of how back to back and seriously up against I am with someone at the same time. I know I've never won and still hate knowing that I most predictably never will and will always be cursed, alone, and damned. I know my real thoughts are just going to make it worse and will even be taken as further provoking, but I am and have been sincere in what my thoughts have been towards the entire work factor and just don't know how to not breathe. Before I get into the specific remark, I'll have my say at what I've been saying. I may not be perfect at everything, but I really have been set up to fail at things that are not my fault, nor in my control. I will continue to say that most past employment and my work history has been due to corruption and personal problems that people seriously have. I still do not know why I would be hated so much, scapegoated, singled out and to be reduced to nothing and for people desperately wanting to call me a failure. Even in the most silent ways my attitude has been and still is: begging the question: "I don't know, what is wrong with me? Moreso, what is your problem?" I will never be agreeable to how people reduce me to nothing. I will deny that logic and intelligence has been used during times I have been fired or had no other choice but to quit. I will always put it back to hate and corruption for people to desperately be authoritarian, breathing down the back of my neck, and always wanting to find fault with me. Even in a minimum wage job, people even managers, have seriously and sincerely sometimes violently, been in my face: "you missed a spot." Some people will make that statement in a joking way, but most often they really are being serious. This leads me into the specific statement that was made: "I can't handle criticism." I have been and will be the better judge. With what I know I've already put up with with hate, corruption, and abuse, I know who is usually not the one to handle criticism well. Sadly, with how unintelligable abuse and corruption has been in the workplace, this will be the next hypercritical and anal retentive argument being breathed down the back of my neck: You can't handle it. I know well within reason what I can and can't handle. Whoever and how many ever a number of people have been expressing dominance in judgement; I have been complaining the longest time against. There have been other people who have said it has been intentional torment, punishment, and abuse, but other people really take their judgement seriously and will not accept the fact that I don't think their judgement is intelligent enough and that I will ever be moved by it. It it isn't just an ego defense mechanism, I seriously am undermining the intelligence in a person's judgement. But with who I have typically been, I have had no other choice but to think like Padma and bleed on the inside. I can never win with some people, and I would even damn the preditable tough man contest after the "I can never win," scenario. It comes to not being about the truth but being about aggression. My thoughts have been and still are to past employment: "You are corrupt and abusive and my hater and you know it." I still continue to look for a job. In my desperation I pretty much do and try anything despite past history to try to have a steady income. I of course have my own local bias that I mostly keep to myself and will still keep trying to put a fresh foot forward despite past workplaces and history. I'm sick of the denial and desperation and am still looking and wondering WHY?.
I hate that we had to go to the same subject on the same day. I don't know how to not breathe and I feel I am being even more provoked into expressing myself over the issue of having a job.

Snowflakes and arbitrage is another thing that has been on my mind. I have recently learned the real term, but have noticed the concept of it for awhile. While it is an acknowledged concept, arbitrage is still a very vague and unclear issue. I think some people really are intelligent enough to understand sophistication and the snowflake concept. Other people, are intentionally corrupt and liars. And then other people are just lazy or just don't think enough.
Besides talking about my previous issue dealing with work, it is disturbing to know that even in the most structured worlds, arbitrage can still be unorganized, corrupt, and dealt with poorly. Thus, having one reason for my helplessness.
It is disturbing to know that some people are so set on possessiveness and land hunger or greed that intelligence is of no matter and of no value. If the rich keep getting richer off of such poor structure and on top of that, if there will ever be a collapsing, I wonder how the rich and wealthy are all going to collapse. If someone out there is accurate in judgement in looking at either the corruption or laziness of the wealthy; I wonder why they would keep letting it build or wait for a big collapse. I'm not a Dr or Master of degree, so sometimes, some bigger thoughts to brain storm are something to wonder about and I feel the water is too deep.

I know I'm thinking in such negative terms right now and even vague. One danger of arbitrage is when either a corrupt or lazy or unintelligable person is listening or entitleing themselves to lord over the conversation. With a particular person I care but I also don't care about anything at the same time with how overwhelmed I am. I liked the small hint/come-on given earlier and I'll just play along without caring about my naivety or what other people think. I laughed at the new invention of the man pillow yesterday; that is funny. I don't care; I just don't.

Peyton Manning has been drawing a lot of attention lately. I havn't wiki'ed him yet, but he is on my wiki list. My best assumption would be that he could be another sim or matrix man of the baby's father, JoHn. I don't know a lot about Manning or his drama personally. I actually have contacted John recently. And like the typical man, I would assume that John isn't one that is into any drama. With how things look, he may want to let everything go and maybe with what he has said in the system. He hasn't been too specific or expressive of much. I'm not really sure where he is going. On my part though, I'm not going to be easing into him passively. I am going to keep my issues and stay mad for awhile before I choose to let go and get over it. I know how I mean it and how I take it in my thoughts. I'm not going to be specific or expressive until I know I have to. I just once again don't like the idea of being taken the wrong way or someone being overassumptive with me. If his arbitrage is taken into account with Manning and Jon, he could be only overassumptive in what he thinks. I still am a snowflake and have snowflake thoughts where I don't have the same storyline, history, and feelings between Jon and John. Some shares with people can be clear, but just because two people could think the same thing doesn't make everything the same. I don't have too much good or bad to say about John; I would say he isn't as close as Jon. I would say moreso with JoHn, that there isn't a long history or elaborate story; we don't know each other that well. I havn't figured out yet how JoHn works around and within his arbitration, but he may eventually have some kind of predictability with how he percieves and uses the system of arbitrage.


Another random thought: I don't really know what is up with Anderson and his picture with Marilyn Haggerty. I'm either being compared to someone I sincerely dislike because someone is overemotional and also fighting my snowflake philosophy with their karma to say I'm not different. Or someone is having a fit in another way where they're mad because I'm not a criminal or murderer by now, thus making me a hag. I really don't know what is up with that.

I'm excited in my crafting. I am trying a new bag over with one design but cheaper yarn this time and think my idea is going to work. I havn't finished to know yet, but I am liking the results so far. So much to do, so little time. I have yet to get started on my gourds. I have them started somewhat, but there is still a lot more work to put into them. I'm going to even try making my own gourd garden this year. I looked into one festival and was upset that the artwork was out of my league. On one positive end, there was no crafting that involved knitting or crochet. There was some usual crafters with jewelry and baskets, but some even had really nice furniture made. So, I'll just have to look for a different festival where I feel more at a present league with.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

~End of weekend~

Another random blog with random thoughts.
With some drama that I see, I am getting some signals but not clearly understanding everything that is going on. I have to catch up on some of the Daily shows' shows and also catch up on other shows that I havn't got around to watching. So much media homework. I don't feel like even doing half of it, but feel I should increase my awareness. With the thought back at Jon, I don't think I would want to say anything right now.
Speaking of not feeling like doing anything, my state of laziness is something I can and can't live without. I like to be sluggish and just lay around sometimes. However, there is just so much on my to do list that includes housework as well that I can't stand not being done. The rest of my family can be lazy too and if housework is going to get done, it is most likely going to be me. Especially with the rest of them taking advantage of the fact that I'm unemployed for it to be me. With the other stuff on my to do list, I just get more stressed that things aren't done yet. It is win/lose.
I have at least got a few things done. I even have a made to order purchase on the way with my crafting. If only I had better luck on ebay. I will eventually have more stuff to try to display for a craft store, but business this year is looking slow with them too. I'm upset to have learned that in Cumberland and in a couple of places in Frostburg that a few art galleries have been closed. Not the one I've had my display in, but just different ones who did not have enough business. I was sad to learn that. The art walks will be even smaller this coming year. Who knows, maybe some out of towners will plan to set up shop. Some artists have already literally been outside but not on a regular basis.
I had another shopping trip this weekend. I had several great buys. Despite finding some really good deals, I still have the dissatisfaction of spending money. If I had a regular flow of money coming in, it wouldn't be as bad, but I know I only have so much before I can say I'm poor again. I did find a good deal on a bra, but later on when I read the tags, I found out that it was made for older ladies for saggy boobs. I had a little laugh. I bought it because it looked so comfortable and it really is. I also found a pair of comfy pants for $3.00 too. In looking ahead though, I don't think I'm going to have enough of the amount that I had needed for the things I had planned.
My to do list of things yet to do is already eating away at my anxiety again. I can't do it all today anyway but still, it is just time time time.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Dear Jon

Personally, I think you're doing a lot of bullshitting right now and I still can't figure you out. You gave a couple of more clues last night and I really do not get a point to anything. Starting with assumptions:
I think right now more than anything, you have been and are still hating my "It isn't me, it is you." I feel like you are dumping a bunch of bullshit on me and want to hate me for a reason that I still do not understand or even have a clue with what your real truth is. You could be independently interrogating me and trash talking me on your own, or someone is trash talking about me to you and I really have no clue what is going on.
Right now, it seems like everything is very impossible with you. There is nothing I can say or do about anything; you continue to damn me for some reason.
With the guest you had last night, I can only make so many assumptions. I never claimed to be a professional with Russia as a whole. I have read a couple books, most of them about politics and history and relations with other countries. As for current political leaders, I really do not have a large amount of knowledge. It is kind of that I take notes as I go. If I am expected to study Russia, I don't know the main things I should have the most focus on; I don't know the thesis that is expected of me.
Maybe you're mad and jealous that I ~am married to myself~ and are giving some raging sexual harassment and other kinds of harassment about being married to myself. It is back to you hating "it isn't me; its you," and the only tyranist I have to deal with is myself. You aren't completely ignoring me, but I feel ignored for the most part. I also feel like this is another knife you want to drive into me with denying that I am being stalked and have haters on my back. It is all me and everything is my fault and my responsibility. You keep killing me in the worst ways and I'm not understanding why you hate me so severely.
I think the real Putin has some knowing of me, but I do not believe he wants to be married to me.
The other guesses besides the real Putin and myself, are Larry and you. I have caught on to how some people are overassumptive at some things if I were to say an expression or phrase and say it again in a different time or place, than there must be a real correlation between whatever two places I've said whatever at. I think you may want me to think that with you with how I have been expressive at seeing you. Sometimes, I have been paranoid with marriage remarks in regards to you, but I have never really believed it or taken it seriously. I could believe to some extent that you would see me as your girlfriend, but I do deny that I think you would take it more than that.
Before I forget another thought, in a side thought, I am also offended at the way you are insinuating that I am immature. I really don't understand how you perceive me, but I've been fed up with so much undermining and underdogging. It is another thing where it is impossible with you because I'm not understanding how you think.
Larry. I really don't believe Larry would seriously want to be married either.

So, with your interrogating and harassing, I really do not understand your anger or why. Are you seriously offended that I sleep with only my panties in my own room? Does it seriously bother you?

I'm just not getting you and I feel like you may be looking for more excuses to say that it is ok for some people to waste my time. You make my life impossible and damned and I don't get you. And I don't know how to not breathe.