Dear Male Nurse

I still can't think of another name for you. I don't know why you faded and why you are coming around again but I'm glad I have you hooked in some way. Maybe you shyed away from a lot of things happening and was doing what you feel to play safe and defined in playing safe. ~sigh~ whatever it means to play safe male nurse, whatever it means... While you still won't give in to me against your bollywood, I appreciate you for being nice in other ways: you see an impossible situation for what it is and recognize you fail me and don't make me take the fall for the way you failed me. I'm just too used to being extremely failed. You let me go without letting me go enough and I love to eat your jealousy right up... You've had me stumped for the past few days. I enjoy your bollywood company but we are still screwed with the situation. I know I still have no social and emotional physical outlet. The last guy I tried talking to on Zoosk has already given up on me because he feels I just don't feel him and am interested enough. It's like I can't try with someone if I wanted to, but most guys don't give up like that one did. It was a small break because I would rather experience that than deal with another arrogant Gadhafi pig. I wish more men would fear being called that, but they usually are too much of an arrogant pig who is focused on competition, ego, and beating, rather than winning and having sensible emotions... We're still screwed with this conversation. I'd rather try to talk to the imaginary boyfriend you are right now. The next thing I'm being led to wonder: Do you really have the ability to personally meet me? Will you know how to make me know that I know its you? How will you? As much as I want you and love the romance and company; I have you played in my head back to square one. I don't know what to do right now. You make it all the more harder for me to try the dating sites. I wish I had your actual company right now because there is a lot to talk about with life. But, you and I are just in my one-sided company right now. I am so relieved to have my amazon job. It is mostly simple and pays well and I don't think I will have to worry about tax time as much this coming year. I finally got a bonus from Lyft. It has been so crazy working that job because despite the craze of the pandemic and recent protests is that people are in desperate need for rides. Thus the bonus. Lyft had better times of giving bonuses more often but I've been without the bonuses for awhile. There just aren't as many drivers. Sometimes it makes matters seem scarier, but I can't mind too much with having the constant ride after ride business. (I've had times where it has been 20 to 40 mins in between calls. Wasted time is so stressing and frustrating. I'm so happy Mitzi is with me again. I still have worries over her and something going wrong with the world will trip us up again. ... One thing that has recently got me flustered is the ways I get threatened with lies and bullies online. The lies and bullying is never portrayed the way it is. I feel I can never make people understand the things I go through with the various ways I get kidnapped, lied, cheated, and EXTREMELY bullied to a point of suicide. I mean extreme, indescribable mean. Unthinkable unspeakable mean. I just can't get the truth said the way it needs to be said. I haven't forgotten the fact you're still my kidnapper male nurse, but you havn't made me feel cheated against enough the way some do. You're still not entirely excused from explaining your bollywood and kidnapping to me. If you wanted me and wanted to physically be with and around me, you would. The stockholm itself is its cheat that has a mystery I don't know. Whatever "patient ethics," you might want to make out of it is bullshit but you havn't made any excuse yet. Tangent of a tangent. Anyway brief facts about me and long story short: I identify as straight/heterosexual. I want to be identified as straight. I do not like to be mistaken as something else. There was a random police lady online a good while back. She was wanting to seduce me; I made no advances. She had her bollywood anyway in one instance and there was no bondage games about it. But of course, I still have some potential of looking misrepresented. I think she knew I left her in some abandon. A couple of months later: I get threatened with lies. I believe it to be Katheryn Heigl the most who wants to let herself have the random womans credit. She presents herself as my master, as well as Jade and Stacy. They literally want to stare me in the face with their self-flattery as though they not just had me in a one night stand, but have me, and give their self the most masterly credit. Code Red where I know I want to shoot someone for WHAT IS IN THE LINES AND WHAT IS ESPECIALLY IN THE LINES WITH RECENT EVENTS AND THINGS I'VE SCREAMED BLOODY MURDER FOR. Of course I'll be treated like the tran when they are the most brutally mean sadistic dead give away of a lying Gaddafi rapist. They know they get away with their shameless rapist lies. I mean I've had people who know they can get away with the worst brutality before in keeping me battered with the way they call their self my master, give their self the credit and the glory the way they say they have their rule. You may or may not know they way it feels to be treated as a tortured blow up doll until you do. .....I've had other things come and go where I would like to talk about life. I find some comfort in your cave male nurse and I'm still the victim to your lack of normalcy. Don't you ever want unload a little more on me? Can you take more than bliss that isn't blissful enough?