Tuesday, May 15, 2018

random thoughts: Enough is never enough

I was surprised today with all of the things I got done around the house before I started my work day. With the least bit of things I had to do, I usually don't get out of the house until much later. I slept in and Mitzi had the day off on top of that. Some days can be very frustrating as an uber driver. I mostly make decent money, but there are days that the time just doesn't add up. I recently started with regular uber driving in the taxi sense and I mostly like the steady flow of it better. The difference is: I am sitting in my car the entire time. I've only been doing it for a couple of days and want to look up some kind of butt pad on Amazon. I just can't stand not being able to walk that long. The lucky convenience I have is doing just deliveries or a combination of riders and deliveries. On the downside, my air conditioner has another broken part once again and I have to fork out another 200.00 for it. I'm so upset over it. I desperately need the cool air. It was so rough without it and still is..... I can only do deliveries without it. I just can't put a customer through that....... I was wanting to go to church this past Sunday and was almost able but I just had too much to do and was too tired. I am still looking for a home church but haven't been able to do a lot of looking. I most especially need Mitzi to have more connections in her life and need Christianity more in her upbringing. I'll always live with or without the connections. ......... Right now, I feel more single than I have in a long time. I'm not complaining and it feels great. I may eventually feel a pain of loneliness as I usually do from time to time. No steady Bollywood boyfriends either and I would rather not be involved in that at all. I still care to find a man, have a father figure living in a normal home, and having another kid or 2. .............. Back to the job. I still can't think of another job I would rather be doing right now. Having the time for anything is the toughest thing though. It is so frustrating to not have the time for anything. I didn't go to the gym at all last week and might only be able to go for just one day this week because I have to wait to get the air conditioner in my car fixed again. I just started with the regular uber and my schedule may eventually be a little different, but busy driving times are not always predictable and can only wait to work around the available calls. I wasn't always able to start as early or finish as early as I want to. .......

Monday, April 2, 2018

Answering Only One Question

I hate I can only say that I'm used to arbitrage and constant social structures. Nothing about it has ever been fair enough and my hands will always be tied behind my back in one way or another. There is restraint; whether or not I'm the only one who is being restrained... With the way somethings were set up today; it wasn't the most seriously threatening. I do not feel completely betrayed. While I know I have never seen Bree Ann's entire judgment; I know she is a judgmental person and it is agreed that she is being called judgmental. Whether or not it will cost me my new job, this is the only answer I have to any question: yes Bree Ann is my savage bastard enemy. I will not be subjected to her judgment. I will never feel like I am the one who needs to be treated like I'm the criminal. With what was being questioned was a very savage and offensive question and I have no denying my fantasy of wanting to beat the shit out of her savage crack headed trash talking mouth. I have other enemies who I know are savagely judgmental and morbidly jealous of the basement slave I'll never be and the authority I have never treated them too. Bree Ann is one of my most mocked "superiors." The most guilty of wanting to make me into their basement slave in one way or another with several different methods other than being a savage judge in wanting to beat me into submission are Jon, Denny, Justin, Jim, Stacy, and John A. Lies, judgements, exploitations, harassments, stalking is something they all do. I know I have more enemies; these are my most common dominate savages. I may have answered more than one question, but if I am forced to be beat by someone's continued savage totalitarianism, than I will knowing it's not that I'm even willing. I will continue to have hope that I will be rescued. I can only be rescued. I will not see myself as a criminal or someone who deserves to be made into a basement slave.

Monday, March 12, 2018

Random Thoughts and Man Drama

I think I'll start with the man drama first..... Whoever has been the one playing the leader of the match-making games in the arbitrage has always been a fuck up and the relationships have never worked because of how the communication and terrible relationship format has always been. I don't know who is the mother of all Stockholm kings that will ever think any of the bollywood relationships would work. I'm not happy with the way things ended with Scott either, (but for the sake of communication), while he could have been another tool to a label of "Scottish men," I meant to target the Guantanamo Scots the most. Not all Scottish have been the worst arab terrorist, but some need to watch their backs with what their sharia laws are and why are they stockholming me and not in a normal relationship with me? Whose follower are they where I will always be stuck in the same relationship pattern? Scott, I'm not begging for you back. I still see you as a stranger who does look like he could be showing some serious red signs, but I couldn't label you as my Jihadi Guantanamo man that I know of. There is no denying you thought I was your right in another light, but you're not the worst Scott and you're not the number 1 person on my list that I would like to castrate and who knows, maybe we're not talking about the same Sam? Anyway, I think the rest of the relationship is most likely a lost cause but I just didn't want you to think that I have the most extreme hate against you as I do some guys. You seem like a typical Bollywood goat man who I have already cheated on with other bollywoods and goat men but I don't extremely hate you. ............ Not sure what is going on with Travis right now. I've had him on my mind a lot but I would guess things will most likely fade as all Bollywood relationships don't work. As much as I resist the Bollywood, I can't help but like some feeling of some companionship and comfort. He's just going to break my heart. I both need him and need to get over him. ......... Work. Super stressed because full time is now part time going into this next month. I will be juggling 3 part time jobs until I find a full time. I'm already getting ready to get started into my resume and am still anxious with wherever I will pick to work and the anxiety of waiting in the meantime. ..... I've also been anxious to get to the gym and just might have the time soon and I'm going to be getting into a diet hard. I want to get some muscle tone going first. It has been so hard to watch the weight with the crazy always on the go schedule I've had but I feel better skinny. just random thoughts, it is a lot of work to diet effectively and it is more difficult when I still have too much going on.............

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Yes I'm looking back

With some furthered Resistance.................... I was going to make my thoughts a little more careless and negative but it looks like today has already been too negative with the school shooting and I have a shared sympathy and I will soften my thoughts up more where my mind steers.... I'm really not thinking anything can get anywhere now with any guys right now, but I'm in pain and in a present state of submission. I still have such a hard time in saying your name and I'll just have to call you Superman for now. While I don't feel any severe pain right now, I think things may eventually get more painful and I don't think relationships should have to be so hard. ... Did you really treat yourself to some kind of fix because you ruined your Billy Idol by either being gay, or calling me your tran? You did one of the two and I hate being called a tran. It really puts my wall up. You could appear to have some kind of regret and shame, but why did you ruin your Billy Idol like that? Where did you come from and why would you lead me on to let me down? Are you someone's follower, or you have a planned gangster hate attack? (almost along the same lines and probably association with the Pens)... Right now, anything I have to say about the issue of "crackhead love," is only in motivation to be real and have a one on one. So maybe, some people feel they have a need to prove something: maybe it is some sort of emotional proof where a person is just downright vulnerable with: "I can't handle what I've done and I did something so wrong and am in an emotional wreck because of it".... There are several different reasons I strive to be as perfect as I can, but when I miss the mark and can't always be Mrs. perfect, I don't see why I should take on an additional problem; develop a bad habit; do something that isn't really going to solve anything. (I really was going to talk in more negative terms. I really had some real insults that I wanted to lash out with sex, drugs, and rock and roll baby. I'll refrain from my own angry and violent indulgences and just leave it as: I don't like the fascist thought of being seduced into a habit I don't need. Maybe it's all on you and there is nothing influencing about it, but you know I've had some serious and severe problems I've run into after all. You know life is definitely not a cake walk on my end. Maybe you have your own blacklisted comedy where you want to just be my "drug lord," prop as I was telling Sidney in a much earlier conversation..... I don't know why you would compare yourself so much to freaky Petey. I would be careful with the name game if I were you and it isn't always safe to compare people, especially when some communications are so broad and even mysterious on my ends.... You know, I am a little seduced by the thought of sedation and roofies. lol not really too much to be seduced if I would be sleeping anyway but I don't want you to feel entirely shot down and have some heart for you on this Valentines Day. It isn't that I feel I would even need to be sedated but you make me feel a heaviness anymore and the more I know, the more pain I could most likely be in on top of the pain I'm in. Ignorance isn't my bliss either. Leaving me alone and in the dark is heavy and painful too. Shame on me for teasing you and the potential of you wanting to play with that gateway of sedatives. I won't make you feel entirely alone, but if you like to be seduced into those habits, you are. I'm not going to have any political contests or debate with drinking vs. drugs. I do drink and it is all of the habit that I need. It is as far as some satisfaction can get. Drinking can't always satisfy, neither will "other habits." I'm sorry. I just think your appeared approach today was funny looking and I already hate myself some for using my time on you when you show so many bad signs and I feel like you could be a waste of time. I'm taking the time on you and I'm sorry for how mean that is to say, but if you really want to keep me around, I need a better lead than what you give. I could have been your mistake WITH YOUR LACK OF SELF CONTROL who feels HE MADE A MISTAKE WITH ME yet WANTS TO BLAME ME BY HUMILIATING ME WITH CALLING ME A TRAN OR CHEATING ON ME BY BEING GAY WITH A MAN. YOU BULL DOZED ME TWICE ALONG THOSE LINES OF THOUGHT. I'm not telling you to give yourself another fix or take another hit. I'm just telling you to think a little more about your own recklessness and I hate the idea of you wanting to take me down without a fight anymore than what you have. There is a certain way where you look like you care and want to be at the right place and at the right time, even when you want to be here for me in a way where I don't want you to be. You look like you try to show you care about me in a certain way, but I have so many things going on right now where your acura just isn't making the mark enough. Happy Valentines Day Superman. You make me mad but I hope I brightened your day in some ways and can't say I would be too upset if I hadn't. Whether or not you like me enough to stay on your toes for me; I leave myself no other choice towards you. You like someone enough or you don't Superman.

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Here I Go Again: Bollywood Dogfood

I am not saying this person's name. While I consider a lot of bollywoods the same, some are unique in their own right. This situation is a little different though. I think he could be chained in the arbitrage somehow to Erin's cousin Ryan, but I'm guessing only a military or FBI agent would know how to thumb around with Bollywood identities. So, how much of a clue it is, is limited to some anonymous people........ While it is not in reference to Erin's cousin, I have had this situation before, and it is still as terrifying as the last, but I'm going to talk about him and help him to his dog food anyway.... First off, he keeps me second guessing if he is really real or not. He is just as quiet as I am. I can only second guess if he is real or someone else is messing around in my head. There is a lot about him to guess at, so I get a little frustrated, because I can't stand to stay in the same stand still anymore. There are two things that I know, but one of the two still leaves me questioning his sincere lust because I can't believe he is real yet. If he is, I could assume he is much of a player. I could strongly guess that he has some fear of me too, but a different fear of me. If he wants me in his player drama, he has his own unfair way of just grabbing and throwing me for himself. With both the arbitrage and other random reasons, I'm doubtful that things could work for us, but a lot is still in the air. I'm upset over one thing I'm sure I know and I don't understand the why or what. I am waiting for him to know why he needs to be the one to make the move and make me get or believe something and if he is coming from somewhere. ..................

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

The Death Eaters: Truth or Not

Some people may have read the Harry Potter books and know what I'm talking about when I mention "The Death Eaters." In literal terms, I would call these people: people who put the most terrible and hyper-negative thoughts in your mind with the intention of wanting you to commit suicide. I'll just keep calling them the death eaters anyway. There have been a couple of nights where my mind has been plagued by some death eaters. While I know they speak the truth in some ways I can't deny and know I won't guide it the way they want me to guide the severe negative thoughts, there are other questions of high doubt and disbelief that I also get terrified with. There are two death eaters I can identify but just can't say in this paraphrase....... The fact is: I am out to protect myself. I have told some people who have wanted to drive me to suicide before that they can only murder me and I would never die for their sake. .................... I've got some drama with Ben. I know I have been treated to some fairness with being called a "schiz," in other times. Bollywood can make itself very obvious. However, if Larry were to choose to chase me and demand that he know where my questions of him cheating or being gay come from, I still have no other choice to plead "schizophrenia," with a most sarcastic murder and undertone to the people I know break in my mind. The fact is, I know I am being unfairly played. I broke up with Larry for the second time today. I had mentioned to him before that I feel I have things I can't trust about him, but have never had enough to have a full distrust of Larry. I still know I liked him, but I put it on Larry anyway. If Larry had wanted me enough, he wouldn't have so many rules, he wouldn't have been so judgmental. This is one thing I can figure out about Larry and that I don't like how he reacts to me. I'm not going to gossip much more about Larry. I'm upset over some of his dryness but I know there have been times where I have been forced to deal with an even more mental dry rape with the way other people deny things, the ways I feel raped to death and murdered, and the nerve of people to feel like it is on me to feel there is something wrong with my security after I was already attacked. People just didn't understand the blame and the rape of theirs that they wanted to put on me and they wonder why I don't trust or believe in them...... I have so many different tangents of anger right now. Besides death eaters being death eaters, some Bollywoods never stopped being bollywoods and what I am most angry with is the impossible way Bollywood wants to corner me, make my life impossible, make me feel at fault for the things I know I have no control over, and the way I can't stand up to the blackmail or the consequences when Bollywood wants to compare its most unfair world to my own personal real world. I'm mad at the Bollywood men in my life. I know Ben has no real relationship or fairness to offer. A few hockey players have no real or fair relationship to offer. I knew I knew better than to further get involved with anyone. Larry wants to blame me for the sabotage. I blame Larry for the way he wants to judge and criticize me. I blame the unfair and manipulative games of Bollywood. I hate the selfish stockholms of the wealthy and famous. While I know I can't win with Bollywood and a few others, I told Larry that I knew I couldn't win with him no matter what I said or did either. When I have suspicion and distrust, I just do. I do wish Larry would have had a better reaction to it. I wish he would have comforted and sided with me more. I can't stop thinking that he is with another woman........................ While I have some peace of mind in not feeling as buried alive; I have some anger against the most murderous dominate gossip judges and liars because I feel I have no other choice than to keep myself exploited. Just can't win no matter what I do. I know I've been taken hostage several different ways: I can only lose.

Monday, September 11, 2017

Random Thoughts

It feels so good to be caught up with some things. Keeping my head above water is sometimes a struggle some days more than others in various ways, but I feel a little caught up. I almost wished I would have waited another month or two before I moved. I would have been more prepared, had more saved, and might not have had to take out at least one loan. I really wanted to be more settled with Mitzi before starting school, but I've been working too much. I was so anxious to get out of Cumberland. I guess I would rather be in the more stressed condition I'm in, than to have waited another month, but trying to have a better budget is easier said than done with things coming up. I hope I will be able to afford myself better soon. I at least got a load off of my to do list this past week, and even cleaned out my microwave which wasn't even planned. I have some magazines from July to catch up on, but its good to get more out of the way in my free time so that when I have the free time it feels like actual free time where I can kick back and relax. Free time is highly valued with me lately which has been a little taken for granted in my younger years. I just don't have it enough. I'm still anxious that I have to refrain on my crafting this year because I probably am out of time with the more local ones and need to get caught up on my bills. I just can't stand the thought of having all of these scarves and hats during the fall season that I keep in my own storage shelves. I have a crafting consignment shop in Cumberland where I have some display, but sales there aren't as comparable to sales at festivals. I may have the time to look at a few local consignments, but a lot look too much like a thrift or pawn shop where people are looking for something super cheap. I may eventually look through more art/craft or boutique stores, but some researching takes a good bit of time. If I found one, I'd still have to plan for it in a more thorough way where I will have to have a more organized inventory. Thoughts thoughts,.... still don't know where I'm going to keep the rest of my stuff. I might want to plan a home party, but the parking is very sketchy here and I'm so afraid that they will tow someone's car. It is a bit of a walk to park in a further public parking lot..... Drama. Don't I want somebody to love? Shouldn't I better find somebody to love? Sometimes it's nice to not have to stress as much over some men. I'm still stressed with Mike and it probably will be likely for it to fade out. I can't stand feeling stabbed in the heart and I don't like it when I have to stab a man in the heart either. Right now, if it looks to be any sign, the question is: how much am I going to leave Mike for dead? I seriously don't believe any stories with child pornography. Maybe it is someone else's structured vindication where they are either being too ridiculous about his original comment of wanting to treat me like a child, or he was running his mouth again where he was having the same foulmouth and now he has to eat his own words for keeping me screwed around with and lusted after hostage. I'm glad that they said it was false info where he wasn't my "Jack Nicholson." That was a good sign. But that's the judgmental slander he gets for running his mouth with me and wanting to call me a child. I don't know. It isn't my structure though. Other than smacking him around for being a gang banger, if I could choose my punishment to him, I'd want him to be forced to see it my way and smacking him around a little with the karma and eye for an eye. I really do hate the way people believe in karma and eye for an eyes because some people are so inadequate with how they would compare with the eye for an eye. When some people just don't understand how betraying it feels and the stab in the heart it is to be gang-banged, it is like: do whatever it takes to make them wake the fuck up. I can't stand the way some men don't get if they are supposedly into a woman, they should act like it and act like they have some real value for her. I don't like it when some men like the relationships where there is a lot of fighting, bickering, polar opposites and at negative odds. Why do they feel the thought of relationships should be so made fun of? What was ever so wrong with romance or mutual friendliness? I probably am taking myself too far with Mike right now, but I just didn't think the most basic and normal loyalty I would at least ask for was never asking for too much. Of course, I probably do ruin the rest of the thought with the way I verbally assaulted him back and told him I would keep him murderously dogged as the last gangbanger and wanted to rape his wallet. He might want to recognize just how much of a stranger his is to me and I am to him, but if a man means to keep a woman gang banged, what is there to ask or expect of his loyalty? I've mostly been his quiet hostage this past week and still feel at a dead end where there just hasn't been any resolve: I've only been a hostage. My heart breaks some with the thought of him being a sleaze with and keeping other women played with me, but I havn't given myself anymore hope of thinking he would come around or meet any of my expectations. Hope hurts. I can't always keep myself from hurting over him being a player, but with my continued lack of hope, things will probably fade more in a certain amount of time. ...............As much as I have finished my to do list, I still have other things left to do...signing off....