Thursday, August 30, 2018
You turn me on so much and I feel like I can just melt and die at times and I know I am still in my same paranormal dilemma. Your possessiveness does not have me angry yet and I would rather you be a rough possessive man rather than some kind of competitive narc. Your possessiveness still isn't fair. I would like to say I'm yours but I'm impatient. Maybe you fear me being taken or snatched from you by another guy, and in my honesty, I fear you being taken too. I worry about being played some but you already have the marriage vice on me, so I'm not in that state of mind as I normally can be. If you are lying for the nookie; I'd rather you find some other strategy or just be straight forward. You shouldn't mess with a woman's emotions like that. I still won't say I'm officially bonified with you, but the marriage vice is your vice. I'm tired, fragile, impatient, and have a good bit of hopelessness. You keep having periods of mentally grasping me and keeping me so seduced in the head. You keep bringing me back to life with your "quell electrode" seduction or whatever those things are technically called. I'm telling you though, it happens all the time and my impatience makes my will to care fade. What are you waiting on Cisco? Are you waiting for me to say something? For me to change in some way? Are you waiting for something from someone else? What are you waiting for? Right now, I'm glad I can ask you in a kinder way, but I'm not understanding why our connection has to be this way? Why are we in the paranormal like this? I know I feel threatened with your possessiveness and your "if I dare cheat" vice (and it feels so good) but if the distance and paranormal remains the same; I will eventually take the risk of an injury, hurt, or pain if you do force me to suffer some consequences of cheating. I have been thinking of getting back on "flirt for free" with some of the free time I have in the past few days but I just can't do it right now. I probably will eventually have a one night stand or finally get a membership on some dating site finally checked off on my to do list. I probably will eventually cheat in some way or another, but don't know when my breaking point will be.... I plan on going to the game on labor day. Unless I see some kind of threat or sign to not go at all, I'll probably change my mind. I know it is impossible for you to personally meet me in the stadium, but I will show up to a game just for you. I knew you would get me hooked harder when I first started to yell at you with the way you were wanting to keep me and have been keeping me, but I'm fragile and don't want my heart to break because I get led on and let down yet again. I need you to understand that although I care for you, I have lived through the same impatient story too much and can only wait for something to happen. I can't have a relationship in just the paranormal. I need you literally and physically in my life and if there is something you are intentionally waiting for, you should know whatever it is you are waiting for.
Sunday, July 22, 2018
With so much terrible things and misery going on lately; I will finally land some relief tomorrow. While I still have a load of bills; I'm getting my air conditioning fixed tomorrow anyway. That is $1,000.00 total in the past 3 months on the air conditioning. Life is so tough when major expenses come up and it has definitely been such a serious miserable experience in driving around in the heat as a delivery driver in pretty much a full 2 month period. Of all the things I'll never uncontrollably have enough of, hardships are another thing to add to the list. ….. I really can't afford this weekend coming up but am making myself anyway. It is the only time that is right. I keep putting off going to a kids day Pirate game, and I can't put it off anymore. I always put things off and before I know it, it is too late. Mitzi didn't want to go to a regular game, so I can only pick a day where it is kids day. I have my niece and nephew coming in too. It sucks that it is supposed to rain this weekend. Everything I have planned on doing is outside, so now I have to search out other options to keep the family entertained if the weather gets too bad. They are staying longer than expected and the visit will be more awkward with all of the extra time. I have limited hum drum conversation with my sister. I'll never be on good terms with her, but I'm not going to feel too guilty about anything I've said. I'm not looking to pick any fights with her but I won't be surprised if anybody makes me feel blackmailed or stockholmed in some ways. Of all the times Mitzi visits her and she hosts her; I feel more than obligated to host the kids. It matters to still have my niece and nephew in our lives.... I have a couple of hunches with this Jon guy and even theories. I'm frustrated over his mystery. There is another mysterious person who makes me have some understanding with her. She is as much as a stranger but strangely makes me feel comfortable and wants to be my friend, but it just doesn't feel right to lead her on. Jon is a questionably two faced person but can have a warm and comforting approach. I think they are both really nice and don't like leaving me alone in my isolation in the right particular way. Yet, they are distant and do not completely bridge the gap. I saw a sign about the "ICE," police the other day and didn't get the message or what even defines "ICE," and what the whole thing is supposed to mean. I'm not the one who is communicating like that; I don't know why I should be made to feel responsible when I feel like I can already outdo Bollywood with my own communication. I think ICE has some relation to Bollywood, but I don't take responsibility for Bollywood. One theory I fear about Jon is that its Sidney playing his own mysterious communication guise game which is very threatening, stockholming, evil, and mean. Another theory is that it is one particular cop or what appears to be one person that is some weird entity. If the cops are wanting to reach, connect, and comfort me I don't like the creepy entity they would be. I believe it is one to two who want to reach me with I'm not alone. Jon doesn't appear to be a judgmental kind that I can see. He seems to have a one track mind though. If Jon were a cop, I just don't think I could ever be in a relationship with a cop. I can't stand judgmental people the most. Cops just have to be judgmental like that, along with being interrogating, and too skeptical. It is too much negativity for me to additionally handle. I seriously need an emotional connection in my life. Jon you are the one who is being impossible with me. You are still too much of a mysterious stranger that doesn't have a whole lot to say to me either. You want me to do all of the talking and I technically am right now, but you are more impossible than you know. I've had to deal with too much piggish behavior than I can stand and as much as you want me to worry about what you think of me, you should worry with what I think of you. Again, I seriously need an emotional connection in my life and someone who gets paranoid about having too much of a reputation of a pig. You do not want to be a pig with me.
Thursday, June 28, 2018
Today was devastating. The scammers took my time, my money, and left me angry and distraught. They were questionable from the start. They left me with the same harassing call and message yesterday where you can only call the number back. They threatened that I had committed some crime with my taxes and if that I didn't want to get arrested, I have to call back. I called back twice and was hung up on both times. So, I figured they were frightened scammers. I got a call again today which was a little more convincing and I had more than a full conversation. I knew I was innocent and hadn't committed a crime on my taxes but this guy remained insistent and said I had one initial choice of an answer if I had intentionally committed a crime or if it were my own error. I was yelling and cussing at him at some points because they were asking for their made up full amount of 5,000.00 some odd dollars. I told them I had bills to pay and there was no possible way I could pay any large sum, and then they were asking for 500.00 saying they would do monthly payments. I still said 500.00 was too much but then he asked me if I would rather be in jail for not paying or having some kind of late bill payment. I asked if I could work something out with money and call back later and he said the minute I hung up on him, he would freeze my account and send out a warrant for my arrest. I chose to be blackmailed, made a fool of, and bullied. Besides those said threats, he had me threatened in his crackhead stalker way with his crackhead interrogating judgment where he mimicked some simple statements I already made outside of the call as if they seriously meant anything. The entire time, he made it his point to judge me, seriously dog me, and boss me around. Besides him wanting to rob me, it was like the call was most focused on the constant issue of being made a basement slave and being dogged and judged in the worst way with someone's dumb crackhead violence. He was a very bold-faced and unsaid stalker. I purposely asked him if his name was "Jim." and he said no, it was some "Dominic Taylor" name. I really wanted to go at his unprofessional behavior and the way he was keeping me interrogated and dogged in the worst intentional way and made him take a hint I wanted to make fun of him. He was so life threatening, I was mostly quiet and stayed bullied. I just took it. It was another harassing and threatening assault and although it was over the phone; I knew they were watching me and stalking me. I have audibly heard stalking comments before and it used to come as a most life threatening shock, but I've grown numb to a lot of possessive threats over the years. I still feel more terrified at sometimes more than others. I was a little terrified, but a little bit of a shameless mocker. I was a real hostage. I drove all the way to Kmart and then to my house while he waited for me to do what he told me. ………… Had it been Jim's doing, I wouldn't be surprised if he has some insiders in the IRS who would let him get away at charging me with whatever dollar amount. I believe him to be a most dominant Gaddafi Moammar who wants to beat me to death over his totalitarian ways. Who was I ever to reject him or the people he valued? Who was I to ever test the idea of being a prostitute when he more than feels he should force his rapist prostitution on me that I should pay for. I'm the one who has to pay a price, not Jim ever. He wants to protect his wealth and the wealth of his "queens." If that means corruption and death threats to the utmost extreme to keep his and his others protected, he will put my life on the line for his tyranny. Jim and Justin. Justin means it with his narcism the most and has the most severe rage at any hint of me thinking I'm too good for the either of them. It is most believably them or someone else out there who will put my life on the line for their tyranny. I hate that I have to believe in Sidney's association with them and the possibility that they were being murderously and hatefully gay against me together and it is such a murderous poison of Sidney's to have wanting to keep sleeping with me like it was nothing. I think Jim wants to own Guantanamo whether it is on purpose or not. I'm not surprised with Jim's sadism at all. I couldn't get over Sidney would be the next gang banger like I never existed and had no history. It was so brutally mean of Sidney to be such a straight up nigger like that. I could be assuming too much and getting fed lies, but it sounds like something that is possible to believe. Its sick of them to know things and keep acting like I'm that nameless. Sidney seems to have killed to have so many inhumane crimes against me that I seriously can't have anymore to say to him. He looks like he has the most severe hate against me where he probably does want to have his own hate club. He poses as severely ignorant sometimes but I can't get over he would be that ignorant with me....
Tuesday, May 15, 2018
I was surprised today with all of the things I got done around the house before I started my work day. With the least bit of things I had to do, I usually don't get out of the house until much later. I slept in and Mitzi had the day off on top of that. Some days can be very frustrating as an uber driver. I mostly make decent money, but there are days that the time just doesn't add up. I recently started with regular uber driving in the taxi sense and I mostly like the steady flow of it better. The difference is: I am sitting in my car the entire time. I've only been doing it for a couple of days and want to look up some kind of butt pad on Amazon. I just can't stand not being able to walk that long. The lucky convenience I have is doing just deliveries or a combination of riders and deliveries. On the downside, my air conditioner has another broken part once again and I have to fork out another 200.00 for it. I'm so upset over it. I desperately need the cool air. It was so rough without it and still is..... I can only do deliveries without it. I just can't put a customer through that....... I was wanting to go to church this past Sunday and was almost able but I just had too much to do and was too tired. I am still looking for a home church but haven't been able to do a lot of looking. I most especially need Mitzi to have more connections in her life and need Christianity more in her upbringing. I'll always live with or without the connections. ......... Right now, I feel more single than I have in a long time. I'm not complaining and it feels great. I may eventually feel a pain of loneliness as I usually do from time to time. No steady Bollywood boyfriends either and I would rather not be involved in that at all. I still care to find a man, have a father figure living in a normal home, and having another kid or 2. .............. Back to the job. I still can't think of another job I would rather be doing right now. Having the time for anything is the toughest thing though. It is so frustrating to not have the time for anything. I didn't go to the gym at all last week and might only be able to go for just one day this week because I have to wait to get the air conditioner in my car fixed again. I just started with the regular uber and my schedule may eventually be a little different, but busy driving times are not always predictable and can only wait to work around the available calls. I wasn't always able to start as early or finish as early as I want to. .......
Monday, April 2, 2018
I hate I can only say that I'm used to arbitrage and constant social structures. Nothing about it has ever been fair enough and my hands will always be tied behind my back in one way or another. There is restraint; whether or not I'm the only one who is being restrained... With the way somethings were set up today; it wasn't the most seriously threatening. I do not feel completely betrayed. While I know I have never seen Bree Ann's entire judgment; I know she is a judgmental person and it is agreed that she is being called judgmental. Whether or not it will cost me my new job, this is the only answer I have to any question: yes Bree Ann is my savage bastard enemy. I will not be subjected to her judgment. I will never feel like I am the one who needs to be treated like I'm the criminal. With what was being questioned was a very savage and offensive question and I have no denying my fantasy of wanting to beat the shit out of her savage crack headed trash talking mouth. I have other enemies who I know are savagely judgmental and morbidly jealous of the basement slave I'll never be and the authority I have never treated them too. Bree Ann is one of my most mocked "superiors." The most guilty of wanting to make me into their basement slave in one way or another with several different methods other than being a savage judge in wanting to beat me into submission are Jon, Denny, Justin, Jim, Stacy, and John A. Lies, judgements, exploitations, harassments, stalking is something they all do. I know I have more enemies; these are my most common dominate savages. I may have answered more than one question, but if I am forced to be beat by someone's continued savage totalitarianism, than I will knowing it's not that I'm even willing. I will continue to have hope that I will be rescued. I can only be rescued. I will not see myself as a criminal or someone who deserves to be made into a basement slave.
Monday, March 12, 2018
I think I'll start with the man drama first..... Whoever has been the one playing the leader of the match-making games in the arbitrage has always been a fuck up and the relationships have never worked because of how the communication and terrible relationship format has always been. I don't know who is the mother of all Stockholm kings that will ever think any of the bollywood relationships would work. I'm not happy with the way things ended with Scott either, (but for the sake of communication), while he could have been another tool to a label of "Scottish men," I meant to target the Guantanamo Scots the most. Not all Scottish have been the worst arab terrorist, but some need to watch their backs with what their sharia laws are and why are they stockholming me and not in a normal relationship with me? Whose follower are they where I will always be stuck in the same relationship pattern? Scott, I'm not begging for you back. I still see you as a stranger who does look like he could be showing some serious red signs, but I couldn't label you as my Jihadi Guantanamo man that I know of. There is no denying you thought I was your right in another light, but you're not the worst Scott and you're not the number 1 person on my list that I would like to castrate and who knows, maybe we're not talking about the same Sam? Anyway, I think the rest of the relationship is most likely a lost cause but I just didn't want you to think that I have the most extreme hate against you as I do some guys. You seem like a typical Bollywood goat man who I have already cheated on with other bollywoods and goat men but I don't extremely hate you. ............ Not sure what is going on with Travis right now. I've had him on my mind a lot but I would guess things will most likely fade as all Bollywood relationships don't work. As much as I resist the Bollywood, I can't help but like some feeling of some companionship and comfort. He's just going to break my heart. I both need him and need to get over him. ......... Work. Super stressed because full time is now part time going into this next month. I will be juggling 3 part time jobs until I find a full time. I'm already getting ready to get started into my resume and am still anxious with wherever I will pick to work and the anxiety of waiting in the meantime. ..... I've also been anxious to get to the gym and just might have the time soon and I'm going to be getting into a diet hard. I want to get some muscle tone going first. It has been so hard to watch the weight with the crazy always on the go schedule I've had but I feel better skinny. just random thoughts, it is a lot of work to diet effectively and it is more difficult when I still have too much going on.............
Wednesday, February 14, 2018
With some furthered Resistance.................... I was going to make my thoughts a little more careless and negative but it looks like today has already been too negative with the school shooting and I have a shared sympathy and I will soften my thoughts up more where my mind steers.... I'm really not thinking anything can get anywhere now with any guys right now, but I'm in pain and in a present state of submission. I still have such a hard time in saying your name and I'll just have to call you Superman for now. While I don't feel any severe pain right now, I think things may eventually get more painful and I don't think relationships should have to be so hard. ... Did you really treat yourself to some kind of fix because you ruined your Billy Idol by either being gay, or calling me your tran? You did one of the two and I hate being called a tran. It really puts my wall up. You could appear to have some kind of regret and shame, but why did you ruin your Billy Idol like that? Where did you come from and why would you lead me on to let me down? Are you someone's follower, or you have a planned gangster hate attack? (almost along the same lines and probably association with the Pens)... Right now, anything I have to say about the issue of "crackhead love," is only in motivation to be real and have a one on one. So maybe, some people feel they have a need to prove something: maybe it is some sort of emotional proof where a person is just downright vulnerable with: "I can't handle what I've done and I did something so wrong and am in an emotional wreck because of it".... There are several different reasons I strive to be as perfect as I can, but when I miss the mark and can't always be Mrs. perfect, I don't see why I should take on an additional problem; develop a bad habit; do something that isn't really going to solve anything. (I really was going to talk in more negative terms. I really had some real insults that I wanted to lash out with sex, drugs, and rock and roll baby. I'll refrain from my own angry and violent indulgences and just leave it as: I don't like the fascist thought of being seduced into a habit I don't need. Maybe it's all on you and there is nothing influencing about it, but you know I've had some serious and severe problems I've run into after all. You know life is definitely not a cake walk on my end. Maybe you have your own blacklisted comedy where you want to just be my "drug lord," prop as I was telling Sidney in a much earlier conversation..... I don't know why you would compare yourself so much to freaky Petey. I would be careful with the name game if I were you and it isn't always safe to compare people, especially when some communications are so broad and even mysterious on my ends.... You know, I am a little seduced by the thought of sedation and roofies. lol not really too much to be seduced if I would be sleeping anyway but I don't want you to feel entirely shot down and have some heart for you on this Valentines Day. It isn't that I feel I would even need to be sedated but you make me feel a heaviness anymore and the more I know, the more pain I could most likely be in on top of the pain I'm in. Ignorance isn't my bliss either. Leaving me alone and in the dark is heavy and painful too. Shame on me for teasing you and the potential of you wanting to play with that gateway of sedatives. I won't make you feel entirely alone, but if you like to be seduced into those habits, you are. I'm not going to have any political contests or debate with drinking vs. drugs. I do drink and it is all of the habit that I need. It is as far as some satisfaction can get. Drinking can't always satisfy, neither will "other habits." I'm sorry. I just think your appeared approach today was funny looking and I already hate myself some for using my time on you when you show so many bad signs and I feel like you could be a waste of time. I'm taking the time on you and I'm sorry for how mean that is to say, but if you really want to keep me around, I need a better lead than what you give. I could have been your mistake WITH YOUR LACK OF SELF CONTROL who feels HE MADE A MISTAKE WITH ME yet WANTS TO BLAME ME BY HUMILIATING ME WITH CALLING ME A TRAN OR CHEATING ON ME BY BEING GAY WITH A MAN. YOU BULL DOZED ME TWICE ALONG THOSE LINES OF THOUGHT. I'm not telling you to give yourself another fix or take another hit. I'm just telling you to think a little more about your own recklessness and I hate the idea of you wanting to take me down without a fight anymore than what you have. There is a certain way where you look like you care and want to be at the right place and at the right time, even when you want to be here for me in a way where I don't want you to be. You look like you try to show you care about me in a certain way, but I have so many things going on right now where your acura just isn't making the mark enough. Happy Valentines Day Superman. You make me mad but I hope I brightened your day in some ways and can't say I would be too upset if I hadn't. Whether or not you like me enough to stay on your toes for me; I leave myself no other choice towards you. You like someone enough or you don't Superman.