Monday, September 11, 2017
It feels so good to be caught up with some things. Keeping my head above water is sometimes a struggle some days more than others in various ways, but I feel a little caught up. I almost wished I would have waited another month or two before I moved. I would have been more prepared, had more saved, and might not have had to take out at least one loan. I really wanted to be more settled with Mitzi before starting school, but I've been working too much. I was so anxious to get out of Cumberland. I guess I would rather be in the more stressed condition I'm in, than to have waited another month, but trying to have a better budget is easier said than done with things coming up. I hope I will be able to afford myself better soon. I at least got a load off of my to do list this past week, and even cleaned out my microwave which wasn't even planned. I have some magazines from July to catch up on, but its good to get more out of the way in my free time so that when I have the free time it feels like actual free time where I can kick back and relax. Free time is highly valued with me lately which has been a little taken for granted in my younger years. I just don't have it enough. I'm still anxious that I have to refrain on my crafting this year because I probably am out of time with the more local ones and need to get caught up on my bills. I just can't stand the thought of having all of these scarves and hats during the fall season that I keep in my own storage shelves. I have a crafting consignment shop in Cumberland where I have some display, but sales there aren't as comparable to sales at festivals. I may have the time to look at a few local consignments, but a lot look too much like a thrift or pawn shop where people are looking for something super cheap. I may eventually look through more art/craft or boutique stores, but some researching takes a good bit of time. If I found one, I'd still have to plan for it in a more thorough way where I will have to have a more organized inventory. Thoughts thoughts,.... still don't know where I'm going to keep the rest of my stuff. I might want to plan a home party, but the parking is very sketchy here and I'm so afraid that they will tow someone's car. It is a bit of a walk to park in a further public parking lot..... Drama. Don't I want somebody to love? Shouldn't I better find somebody to love? Sometimes it's nice to not have to stress as much over some men. I'm still stressed with Mike and it probably will be likely for it to fade out. I can't stand feeling stabbed in the heart and I don't like it when I have to stab a man in the heart either. Right now, if it looks to be any sign, the question is: how much am I going to leave Mike for dead? I seriously don't believe any stories with child pornography. Maybe it is someone else's structured vindication where they are either being too ridiculous about his original comment of wanting to treat me like a child, or he was running his mouth again where he was having the same foulmouth and now he has to eat his own words for keeping me screwed around with and lusted after hostage. I'm glad that they said it was false info where he wasn't my "Jack Nicholson." That was a good sign. But that's the judgmental slander he gets for running his mouth with me and wanting to call me a child. I don't know. It isn't my structure though. Other than smacking him around for being a gang banger, if I could choose my punishment to him, I'd want him to be forced to see it my way and smacking him around a little with the karma and eye for an eye. I really do hate the way people believe in karma and eye for an eyes because some people are so inadequate with how they would compare with the eye for an eye. When some people just don't understand how betraying it feels and the stab in the heart it is to be gang-banged, it is like: do whatever it takes to make them wake the fuck up. I can't stand the way some men don't get if they are supposedly into a woman, they should act like it and act like they have some real value for her. I don't like it when some men like the relationships where there is a lot of fighting, bickering, polar opposites and at negative odds. Why do they feel the thought of relationships should be so made fun of? What was ever so wrong with romance or mutual friendliness? I probably am taking myself too far with Mike right now, but I just didn't think the most basic and normal loyalty I would at least ask for was never asking for too much. Of course, I probably do ruin the rest of the thought with the way I verbally assaulted him back and told him I would keep him murderously dogged as the last gangbanger and wanted to rape his wallet. He might want to recognize just how much of a stranger his is to me and I am to him, but if a man means to keep a woman gang banged, what is there to ask or expect of his loyalty? I've mostly been his quiet hostage this past week and still feel at a dead end where there just hasn't been any resolve: I've only been a hostage. My heart breaks some with the thought of him being a sleaze with and keeping other women played with me, but I havn't given myself anymore hope of thinking he would come around or meet any of my expectations. Hope hurts. I can't always keep myself from hurting over him being a player, but with my continued lack of hope, things will probably fade more in a certain amount of time. ...............As much as I have finished my to do list, I still have other things left to do...signing off....
Tuesday, July 11, 2017
I am so glad to have the internet working finally. I waited too late to start the cable and should have made the call sooner, but I lived. Life has been hectic but I expected it to be like that and it still is. Work work work work work. da da da da da I've got my main things moved in, but still have yet to move some things and have to wait it out to buy more furniture and other random items a piece at a time...... Bam Bam has arrived. I may not need to get him a dog walker at all. The bathroom seems to work for him..... While there is always some negatory things going on; I have good news for myself: My temporary full time job is now a permanent full time job! Great news for me. I can get benefits now. I have desperately needed the insurance but have to wait 90 days for it to kick in... Safety safety... Monday night at the night job was a shitty night though. I'm hanging on the skin of my teeth with a couple of bucks to get me through the day time tomorrow and hopefully the rest of the night through Thursday. While I could have some hateful stalkers who are reading this and would love the opportunity to rub salt in my broke busted and disgusted wound, I am being a temporary beggar to the other people who like me better and live closer. Will someone spot me and help a working woman out tomorrow night when I work? I have bad nights every once in awhile. I usually have some saved back up money but I've done blown it all on the move and my regular bills. I just wasn't tight enough with my money. ~sigh~ shit happens~ While I'm still not crazy about my daughter spending time with my parents; I'm probably going to let her go for the weekend. I've done nothing but work and will still be working on Saturday but I seriously need some more personal "me," time. A lot of it will be getting this apartment put together, but I think I'm going to plan on going out and going out cheaply. I may go to a bar or two in my area. There is one in particular I have heard of and then I may hit the casino or find out some crazy club I can explore. I'm just not going to explore some new sex club I just recently heard of. I hear it is like a public sex party that is wilder than a strip club. I think I'd strictly just explore it. Maybe I'll have a really depressing and trashed nights one of these days where I would go to that club as a "fuck it all," distraction. I don't know. I don't know what I'll get into this weekend, but I can't wait for my next paycheck and getting this place more together and going out on the town. I need a break.
Tuesday, June 20, 2017
Whoever the "people," are with Jimmy. You know Jimmy, whether you mean to be or not with Trump, I see you as a relief and peace of mind. While you could want to manipulate me with feeling like an underdog or loser, I will kill to hear anything other than looking like I'm the most submissive, subservient, geisha, and in a sincere or willing defeat. I don't like Trump and seriously wouldn't compare myself to him, but I'd rather be called Trump than any of the other above. It was a long term kill and it was like all I ever heard was Chance's, David's, and Bradley's worse unbearable defamation of character that I was that much of a willing Geisha, in defeat, and as if the worst of the worst sincerely thought I felt sincerely beat or sincerely won and on their side. You just don't know how buried alive I feel as if I act like I'm anything but my own boss and my own. There have always been other people that thought they had me owned. It will be a good long while until I feel any kill in being made fun of with Trump, and it isn't that I would say I'm on his side. It was a matter of me being cut throated and taken in other worse ways. I hate the ways people have always wanted to put the responsibility on me and how they choose to take me. I don't see myself as an aggressive Atilla the Hun rapist as I still do the other cut throats and there was never any comparison. What a cheap way some people think they can win just because they have some sort of aggressive behavior. I'm my own defense and self-owned person. When I know something isn't fair; I know something isn't fair. I don't like being tested in certain ways. I don't like the unfair and blind-siding expectations people have. I hate the worst manipulations "as if I'm insecure because I will not take much action with the unknown." I proudly know when I'm too smart for someone. I get murdered for not being a fool; I get murdered for being a fool. Some violent bastards do force me into such a sick hateful lose-lose situation. I hate losing to my inferiors Jimmy, and more power to me for knowing the better more common sense head I have on my shoulders. Fuck the tyrants. I'm not sure how much you are including the penguins with your people. I'm not quite understanding all of the arbitrage. I always try to give some people a benefit of the doubt, and if there was any message I would want the penguins to understand is that I have been around the block a few time with stockholms and arbitrages. Because I see a situation for what it is; I give myself whatever right and entitlement I know I deserve. I'm upset if there is any further involvement with Stacy with the Penguins. I will always think Stacy is a sick inferior-minded totalitarian rapist and there is nothing anyone can do about the serious level of disgust I have against her cut throat lies, confidence, and entitlement. She is also guilty with her own violent Muslim ATK sexual assaults, besides her gang rapes and harassments. I want to put more pressure on Mike or any other possible person who could want to threaten me with her to cut to the chase if there is anything to cut to the chase with. Maybe the Penguins are being hijacked by Justin or Jim's rapacious arbitrage, but I have some paranoia with the Penguins when it comes to her. I'm mad if they are trying to blind side me and trying to keep me tricked and gossiped against with Stacy. I would severely drop Mike so quick if he had any association with her and make him understand how vehement I would be if he means to have any nerve with me. I would mean to stab the rest of his confidence in the jugular throat. figuratively speaking. depending if he has any real threat or intent.
Saturday, May 27, 2017
ugh signs... talk is talk. When some talk has an obvious message and is questionable, the main thing is: it is talk that is coming in to more question. I talked to a "Ray Ray," last night, and there is honestly no real interest from me to the literal person. But, since some arbitrage gossip is still in question, I'll continue to run myself off of my next cliff. "Ray Ray" appeared to still have some interest in Stacy. While I do see Stacy as a continued inferior and with some serious immaturity, we are not high school "mean girls," we are "murder bitches," and it is kill or be killed for life. It is seriously not safe for any man to keep me provoked with Stacy. She is my stalker and harasser and will kill to get away with whatever tormenting gang rape she can get away with. I don't like some other questionable signs with Mike having some connection or shares with Jim either. I know Jim is a nigger. Jim, Justin, Stacy, Jon, Shawn, and John are all cut throat, stalking, harassing haters who should be treated as a gang rapist Muslim who believes in their sharia law and supremacy. They will always be the worst desperate slobs of judgement who will always want to desperately stay on top while they have the worst lies or most desperate damning truth where they want me to be damned to their sense of chauvinism and supremacy S-H-A-R-I-A C-O-N-V-E-R-T L-A-W. Those are a handful of people I would feel like I'm being ganged up on and murdered to death, but I could throw in a few other names...........Mike, I can't say I think you're a dumb man yet. This is one worst impression of an instance; but instances like this almost want to drive me insane. (Besides this is the fear that some other random vain men are still out there running around being pigs with credit like I cared or they seriously had my heart). I've been past the point of dry heaving in disgust, I can really only expect the worst, but I can't stop the fight against always expecting the worst. Although I'm getting older; I still hope for days that I can expect better. Anyway, because of the way some dominance and pidgeon-holing stays the same, I can only be a pidgeon-holed self admitted loyalist that does demand loyalty. I'd have thought more men would have had more common sense by now when it comes to me, but I'll have to lower my bar a little and say I can only expect loyalty. I know I've had higher labels where I understand what it means to have a smart sense of balanced maturity, and it isn't even that I feel I'm lowering myself when I know I continue to say "no," to the gang-raping rapacious behavior. And Mike, I can only give you some benefit of the doubt where I can't believe that you would seriously have as much of a sick motive as the others, but I wouldn't keep testing me like that if I were you. I used to idealize in having a man who had a more than decent level of emotional integrity, but when I feel I have gone too long with too few of men in understanding what it means to have any kind of emotional common sense? People just don't understand how heavy that is and the way I can get depressed. IT'S NOT THAT I'M ASKING TO BE LIED TO EITHER! I'm the most pidgeon-holed into having the most serious expectation of loyalty where it is mostly focused against my enemies, but it is also shut the f&*k up! with all the judgement and threats. Just shut the fuck up and act like you care for me and are on my side, and don't keep me so sickly underestimated either. Does every other man really want to hear a broken record of Tina Turner's "What's love got to do with it?" Why the hell were some men ever in my life? I'm in a little bit of a rage right now and I don't mean to look at every man in the room as my "sharia law jihadi," I was a little triggered to be set off...... and because that was all said I feel I can only disappear and be back to an even more "single" square one. Poof! I'm not with anyone.
Monday, April 24, 2017
Sidney, I do feel a little pale~ and at some loss of energy and hope. I've been burned a lot and sometimes it really is tough to make myself keep trying and keep caring. There are times I want to be left alone for a good long time and times where I seriously have no hope in ever having any good or real relationship.... A reminder that I don't know what to believe in the arbitrage. It's what you guys will always get for never representing yourself in person: me being questionable, some disbelief and doubt. Sidney, it looks like you and your girlfriend are the most serious of all and I'm just not understanding what your continued prowls are. Maybe you guys did get eloped or something, but what am I supposed to do when I feel pursued by you? I'm not into open relationships at all and I especially hate feeling like a concubine. What is saving you is your aggression and the fact that you're not married. I would have more of an understanding for your will to act like you care if your status was more single and dating, but you have had a long term primary girlfriend. I do feel burned by you after these past couple of days and an instance. I've felt good vibes and bad vibes. I'm not sure how burned by you I should feel but I have just been tired of all the games. I don't have any strong expectations of you, but what I've been needing is a hands down, serious, unquestionably sold win where a man knows how to do things my way without the Bollywood. Easier said than done, and usually when a man is too serious too soon, it scares me off. .....I don't talk about my enemies all the time, but I definitely know that I have them. Whether or not it is Bradley Cooper or David Duchovny messing with me, I despise them both. I would deem them both my sore loser because I refuse to let them have their way with me. I see them as a terrible alpha chauvinistic tyrant who is too vain and dense to understand just how ugly and piggish their demands are. They have left the worse impression on me, and I hate their distant subjective threats. I know I've seen some of Bradley's arbitrage around. He probably is pissed with how much I've told Paris to shove it, but it's their own problem for not wanting to give up on their tyrant ways. Shove both their tyranny. Shove David's sick tyrant. I have some enemies that wants to put me in the worst despair and/or humiliation to force me into a drug fix. Some gangster drug lord is out to get me. Sidney, if you want to save me, lying will seriously not save me, it will make me very very angry........ Sidney, are you really in it to make me feel more despair or humiliation in the most intentional way? Please don't tell me you have a share with David or Bradley. ......... I believe in monogamy. While I have nobody that I personally have any marital intentions with right now; I seriously believe in monogamy. I'm so sick of the games some people play. I can be a little bit of a hypocrite at times in game playing, but I'll understand some complications along with my own personal life complications. I'm still just tired of it all. In non-married relationships, I expect some seriousness to them. Faithfulness has always been a big deal, even though I get the wind of hope knocked out of me often. Some guys have just expected me to put up with some of the worst unfaithful relationships LIKE IT'S NOTHING TO BE CHEATED ON. Eventually, everything is nothing. .......... I don't know if the Kyle "iSpy," song was really from you or not, but I really like that song. I could almost question if a man wants to make me feel like an underdog on purpose, but I really like some of the lyrics to it. lol maybe you were wanting to get me with an indecent marriage proposal, and I should take some of my other thoughts back. lol. not that I would see it as indecent in the song, but with the Bollywood of it all. I'm really not against having friends. It's probably harder for a single woman to have friends than it is for married couples or just couples. I have several reasons that are difficult for me to have friends. If I find some friends, I do, but I'm not going to care too much about not having any. I like the idea of a man wanting to have me all too himself and possessive in some ways. Even then, there is still some forms of possessiveness that I don't find attractive at all. I would hope a man does know how to have the right kind of mind for me. ... I'm really not going to give myself too much of a hope right now or lead myself on too much. I still think you want your girlfriend the most. If there are lines to draw in being played or led on so much to just go for it, I'm just not going to go for it right now. It isn't anything too personal against you Sidney, but I just feel too tired and too burned a little with you and some past instances with some other guys. I'm still contemplating on coming to one of your next upcoming games soon, but I'm not sure whether I will or not. ............
Sunday, April 2, 2017
I'm so excited for my spring and summer craft season this year. I'm anxious to get some things done I've yet to finish doing because I have to wait it out a little, but I am quite optimistic. I was so upset yesterday because I messed up with two of my gourds. While I accidentally dropped one of my gourds, I never thought gourds were fragile and breakable. I was able to super glue it back together, but I'm no longer going to put it up for sale because you can tell it broke and was glued back together. I gave it to my mom. lol. With my other gourd, I wasn't following directions enough with my sealer finish and didn't realize that I had to shake the can for an entire minute before spraying it on my gourd. It had a terrible chemical reaction to the paint. At first, I treated it as an entire ruin and was so upset at not just the waste of money but waste of time. I painted a different design over it and it all worked out. It is an expensive and timely mistake to have screw ups with some of my crafts. It isn't as cheap as scribbled paper. I'm still looking into a few different locations and waiting back for my picks. I'm not sure how many I will be able to do yet. I'm not sure if I will be able to do them all but as many as I can.... I seldom talk about some of my own two cents with people. I don't like to come across as being preachy or too boringly opinionated. Most people have opinions about something, but even I don't always like to hear people rambling about some of their opinions. I see myself as being in my own unique situation, but I'm sure I'm not the only Bollywood woman alive. I hate Bollywood and the way it works. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. There is too much gossip and here say and no real talk. I never know where half of the gossip comes from. People seriously expect me to buy into too much of it. I sometimes will question some talk, or conversate with some talk, but I more so hate feeling overpowered by it, or further enabling the Bollywood gossip and here say. I don't always read all the articles either and even the ones I do post. Sometimes, the title or face value of a message is usually all the time I have for. Anyway, this is part of fueling my fire: http://www.msn.com/en-us/video/tunedin/beware-of-this-robocall-scam/vi-BByYkys .... Some gossip is heavy, overpowering, and I am sometimes forced to believe in it. Where does it all really come from though? It's like some people don't want to understand enough that I really do not know where this comes from. How could some people expect me to be so easy with Bollywood and keep the given value of a person to person conversation so overlooked? How could people not want to understand how much more of a person to person reality is that much more of a matter? Yet, people not only want to just bullshit with some Bollywood, they seriously expect you to buy into it more and be more of a sellout for it. I know there are people who want to be in control of the drama. I have been so mad at the control a person has to have over any relationships and drama and whatever right they think they have with either the drama or the agenda. I don't even know who I am talking to half of the time. I have always had no other choice to make Bollywood and the relationships in Bollywood a joke. I make more of a joke out of it sometimes more than others and will take some of it seriously or to heart sometimes, but Bollywood still lacks so much of a real felt reality. This is my two cent personal rant, whoever I could be referring to at any time. It's the same with any Bollywood man. ............... Speaking of gossip and Bollywood was that baseball sign a real sign from my latest Bollywood boyfriend? Once again, I hate the way I feel the enabler to the gossip but maybe someone is keeping Jon's or my other "robots" gossip/rumors/lies out-ratted. Seriously not sure what to believe about the picture. It wasn't a good sign for him to look ungrateful. I felt smitten and hopeless before the sign and am still smitten. I'm just feeling my same Bollywood despair. I'm happy, but I'm not happy, because he is still another Bollywood situation that will most likely go nowhere. Sometimes I let myself feel some kind of comfort and satisfaction of some company, but it is just not comforting or satisfying enough. Is it better for me to feel more alone? Right now, I'm more passive about it than fighting to be alone, but I may eventually give up on the Bollywood more. It really is the Bollywood, ..., it really is the Bollywood. I'm still hesitant to say his name, but I can't think of a nickname for now. I just want him to know it isn't that I don't care about him. I care for you xo...until then....
Monday, March 13, 2017
This is about the exes and my rejected and me giving a definitive answer..... While there are times Josh has mentally roughed me up in person, or as a stalker, I'm not as afraid to say "no," to him... I'll stick with the subject of Josh for a little... I've noticed his arbitrage visits. There has been one man who has reminded me so much of him, and he denies his name is Josh and seriously does not look like the real Josh enough. People's looks can change through the years, but I had to believe this guy when he said he was not Josh. Although he came off as life threatening in a slight way, he was actually funny to fuck around with. I shut up when he was being too much of a violent pest, but because of the way he was an impossible arbitrage identity, I had to play stupid with him in my own way. I think Josh was the beginning of keeping me fucked with for the rest of my life as a dominate stalker. Other dominate stalkers aka Bollywood's have come and gone (and Josh did have his own leading me on Bollywood moments too like the rest), but he was never going to own up to it more than the other Bollywoods. He has recently jumped me in the mind twice, and I have been both surprised and horrified. The rat I am now is probably making some of his anger worse. I used to have the biggest grudge in calling him my "unfinished business," with the way I felt most unfairly played and buried alive with all of the talk and his cut throat in some ways. While I will always have a responsibility to put on Josh; I've gotten over my rage in the past several years. However, Josh has still fucked with me for life. While I can't entirely blame him on my own personal Britney psych-ward time period, I still have some blame on him and know there were others to blame too. It wasn't easy being called a "schiz" for the longest time knowing I had several stalkers and it wasn't easy when literally talking to the cops and being made to wear the label of a schiz anyway afterwards. While I was livid that not just my social life went down the shit hole, but my entire life seemed to too; I really had no other choice than to realize the friends I never had and the gangsters a lot of people are. Sure, I've made mistakes, but when one too many people were trying to make me their basement slave over anything and everything, I had a lot of serious terror to live through... Josh can't be blamed for everything, but I wish he would have been more sensitive to me rather than set me off and have made some things much worse... I'm not sure how much of a rage you still have Josh, but I believe you are definitely still mad at me. You would not have jumped me had you not been mad, and I know some people are keeping you watched and warned now because you are still being my stalker and a creeper. I'm over a lot of things and am glad for some good things that have happened in my life anyway since then, but I would never see us as ANYTHING ever again. If you have a continued persistence; I won't know what your persistence is for. It's not just whether you want to take my "no," seriously. Do you want to murder me? I don't know what you are after Josh................ Dana... I am afraid to say "no," to Dana. He probably does have another girlfriend or two right now. He is a Don Draper of his own, and no lesser money of a woman can be the one to reject a Don Draper. I know violence begets violence, but it wasn't my fault that someone gave you a death threat like that for me. You did something to deeply offend me though, and I'm just not interested at all. Someone could be intentionally lying against you to put the figurative Einstein meaning on you in the arbitrage, but I can't trust you at all. It was almost like you said what the devil said through Einstein. Hannibal Lecter would be believable in its own way. I'm not going to put up with the nerve of your demonizing sick judgment either. I'm not leading myself onto you Dana and I don't want you to lead yourself onto me either. I feel the most protective in making my "no," the most clear with you guys right now. It is not on me to lead you on.