thinking out loud

I've been really upset this week. I think I've sunk to a severe state of depression. A lot of it is a lot of recent circumstances and some of it is long term suffering. There is a certain despair I have where the sky is not the limit and has dropped really low. The pull is strong in my despair to mold myself to the desperation more. I haven't gone to the gym in awhile and in the past 2 weeks, it is like being against my religion in going to the gym and is not going to help my health. Although there have been many times going to the gym makes me feel better and productive, when I'm depressed it is the last place I want to go. I've cried on the treadmill and elliptical before. Pain can be weakness leaving the body sometimes but why do I have to experience the specific pain that I do? Why can't I escape certain pains and keep getting stuck with the same similar pain? It's the emotional pain of course, but going to the gym makes me cry all the more. I've waited through most of the weight of depression enough and am thinking about going tomorrow. My physical health is starting to feel gross and I think I will feel more better going than not going to the gym. … This whole car robbery has already been a major bitch. More fees and red tape is coming up more. My car was taken off the map and has to get back on. I have to pay to get a new registration. I have to go through the car insurance process all over again. I have to go through both the uber and lyft process all over again. I planned on going another week with the rental that I have paid for, but I don't want to have to go through one last one. I mean expense after expense. I've had expenses punch me in the wallet before, but being severely punched in the wallet around the holidays is such a kill. I missed out on one crafting event and plan to miss out on another crafting event tomorrow. I feel I have better odds spending the time at my lyft job than taking chances on locations I won't know will work. Especially the time it takes for everything. It would have taken more of my time just for waking up that early knowing I won't make it into the late hours of the night. I hate those hours anymore but tough out the weekend night anyway for the sake of making the money. … Tonight is a perfect time to take Mitzi to Dave and Busters or the movies but I just don't have the energy to do anything. There was a Christmas event downtown tonight but I especially don't have the patience and energy for the hustle and bustle and am especially not feeling the holiday spirit right now. I feel like shit for not taking Mitzi out though. There has hardly ever been any time at all already. One of these weekends. … I don't know what to do about the man drama in my life. I know I'm in some kind of arbitrage Stockholm that I don't understand. It's too bad that Blackbeard's stranger just wasn't more normal and reachable of a person. I'm not always motivated for the searching on zoosk and am not completely satisfied with the Bollywood I have. I'm in the same standstill that I've mostly been in and am too depressed to push myself harder. Besides the depression is that I have no other choice to be such a slave to money and making ends meet and getting bills paid. Wouldn't it be great to win an enormous win in gambling? ha ~rig and fix me~

Something to be happy about: Sprightly Finesse

I've wished I could have traveled more and had more venues as a crafter in the past several years. I at least got to pick up some finally living here in Pittsburgh, but I wish I would have had been able to have made more of a hobby with it. Other priorities and financial demands have mattered more. Tonight I was right in center of downtown Pittsburgh, Market Square. It is a very nice location. It got very cold but the sales were better than the last one, which is more predictable to sell in the weather. Not always easy sitting in the cold that long for the number of hours. I can reflect some from the Sunday flea markets in Cumberland. It isn't the best memories having been isolated, watched, and restrained then. Although it was the only thing I was capable of enabling myself to do, I still enjoyed doing it. I have felt hunted, isolated, watched, and restrained in some instances for a long time including tonight, but I would say Market Square isn't as bad as Cumberland. People were so ridiculous, extreme, and judgmental in Cumberland. Whether I'm crafting or not crafting, it still isn't the main variable. Something follows me wherever I go. In the lightest of ways, it is like a heard echo. I'm not just hearing my echo, someone hears some things I say to my face while other messages and leads could be there but aren't always reachable or attainable if I wanted to try to figure something out. The heaviest is being judged, hunted, and over criticized. It wasn't an entirely evil night. There seemed to be some jovial atmosphere there. It's just mean for the way some people would intentionally watch me too closely to judge or hunt me. I felt very victimized and hunted in some instances where someone was wanting to force me in a corner. Somebody really wants to hurt me with how much they intentionally want me to feel interrogated, tested, and questioned. Whether or not it is the blogging that some people could have a problem with, I carry on in my own leisure anyway with giving myself that much of a license to blog over anything with the amount of isolation that I've lived with. I'm not entirely left alone, but although I'm still victimized life has improved some with being left alone and not as harassed.. I still scream to this day but earlier years were worse.... I saw the 3 present Bollywood men tonight along with the rest of the profile and it while it has always been disappointing to have the Bollywood living over me, I wasn't surprised that I still saw the Bollywood I saw. I tawt I taw. I did. There was a quick moment where there was a man who looked like Dr. Wawa was standing right in front of me. I saw him one time in Cumberland too. It was more embarrassing than to have just been a crafter in those days. I think I was too mad to care at the time with whatever impression I made on Dr. Wawa. It was like there were times his Bollywood was being aggressive for me and wanting to get my attention while I have always left him in the cold through the years, but why couldn't he just hit his own wall in his betrayal? Why did he always avoid it and act like it wasn't there? Why couldn't he see even after so many other guys that the issue of betraying me wasn't an issue he could dodge and if he seriously was wanting to be aggressive and get my attention that he really should have found something to say? While he could have been in a number of relationships through the years or even married by now, he should have understood he was his own stalwart and damnation during the times he was pursuing me. After all this time does it matter anymore? It still matters to this day. While it is so evil and unthinkably wrong for some people wanting to keep me judged in the same exact way and allow the same certain people to have reign and rule over I seriously need a fucking hero. I need a hero today just as much as I needed then. I am dying and don't let me die like that Dr. Wawa. I've probably talked too much and went too much on a brain storm but I thought to figure out something to say.

All is fair in love and war? pt 3 Staying in and going out of the Danger Zone

Nobody likes being gossiped about/against. Nobody ESPECIALLY likes to be in restraint or blinded when being gossiped about/against. When being restrained for a most serious enemy; it is beyond cruel and brutal..... Whatever was keeping me stared at and forced terror on me I am keeping stared down with murder....Before I go into that terrorist, I'm walking out of the danger zone with R!@k#, my present guy. He may be a little mad if he knew I were continuing on and talking about him in one way or another, but its the point to my title "All is fair...." I've been severely betrayed with too many other guys and their gossip and judgment. I'd hate the thought of him being a seriously more clean slate tainted with the worst cruel games and lies of others and it isn't even that I want him tainted or in deep with others beyond brutal games. Anyway, He and I had another good time last night. I would say it was mostly well. He was a little on the side of "I hope you're not a crazy one," but didn't get deep or elaborate with that. It was mostly a normal night and I tried to tell him more about Narnia and the closet/other world concept. We spent more time talking about other things and having fun. There was nothing about him that was keeping me tested to my face the way I was being tested on msn. He stayed an affectionate sweet talker and we still have another date. While I still can't put any of my personal judgment of belief in a worst rapist enemy on him, I will say I think he has some shadiness to him. I think he has a knowledge and knowing of me and other people. While I can't say he has pulled any trigger, I can say I think he has some knowledge. He brought up OJ Simpson last night. I asked him if he liked OJ and he had a quick response of "no" and keeping him a dogged man. The shadiness is a good and bad thing. I was saved from some feelings of loneliness and isolation, but the rest of the control he has with his knowledge and isolation is a very blinding thing. I enjoyed having a couple more laughs and kisses with him...….Staying in the danger zone. It's been an abstract thing I have had no choice over. The continued stare of terror and defiance... I feel I couldn't hate Stacy anymore with my life than what I do. Besides thinking she is severely sick and savage in the head, whatever man keeps threatening me with her is too. I would guess Jon, Don Jr., or Sidney, but some rapist bastard of a man must be helping Stacy's rapist bastard. I know some people feel they can beat other people with the worst simple statement of "it is what it is." You can't change what something is to me with Stacy, or anyone else. There is nothing more to it than that. Whomever wants to keep challenging me to Stacy's rapist bastard is nothing but a fellow rapist bastard who wants to throw another terrorizing, beyond cruel, hateful fit to my face and being a sore loser wishing they could change the way I thought or felt. I hate being forced to be provoked by this continued terrorism where someone won't stop threatening me with the way Stacy refuses to be told no and to stop. Like Stacy has the right to have her way with me; call the shots; be the dominate judge. You are nothing but a sick shameless act of rape and terrorism. I believe in details too much to ever feel like I could have an exact matching revenge. If I could have any kind of revenge against such a seriously shameless battery against my respect, I'd find some worst Butch kind of a man who has been in and out of jail several times with the worst record, worst education, and worst respect and I would have him put on such a seriously high pedestal where the bastard rapists would be forced to be threatened over anything Butch says or does. It isn't even that I would have to date or even be touched by Butch. Butch wouldn't know what it means to stop with my terrorists. Butch would never be told "no." Butch would roam free with his worst shot calling judgment and able to put them to the test in the worst way over anything, anytime. Butch will morbidly put his lies and blame for what he does on his same lied against and disgraced victims. The terrorists will be forced to take and put up with everything Butch does. They will be forced to lose to Butch with no mercy. If there was an expensively detailed revenge I could see to my face, I'd love to see my terrorists in their own worst terror. Just get bossed around with no mercy with Butch. Have salt rubbed in your wounds countless times. Feel like everything you say will always be found in deaf ears. You were always most willing with Butch.

Love love love

I still won't say your name and can't think of a code name and although I will give you a degrading name of boat #15 (no code to the number) I am under a serious spell for you and want you to know how much I know I want you. Don't hate me for refusing to say no and showing no resistance. Whether or not I am too naïve for you, you are more than enough and too perfect. You already have me won over and if I lose you because of it; I am your best sport of a loser. Unless you severely make me feel betrayed, gang banged, and let down to become a dime a dozen like all of the rest, I think the world of you. I am tormented though. I know I don't completely have you and it is like you more than have the love and acknowledgment that I need. You make me feel like you want to be on my side and make me feel very held and like you want to protect me and I'm in both serious appreciation and in torment. You break my heart and my heart breaks for you. I'm not sure if I have you in torment over my younger age and that you feel I could be too impossible of a person for you to take and let win. I wouldn't say we are even in the torment department. …..I could be mistaken that you have a racy and semi violent fantasy out there for me where you make a blow up doll of me for yourself anyway. You play with the man's rules of protection and respect and keep me at the bottom of the ladder of protection and compete in that bottom blow up doll rung anyway. Sorry if I have you mistaken, but it would feel so good to be your blow up doll like that. You are a man I would naturally trust but you could have the potential not to be trusted with that. Do you really mean to have me so violently seduced? Again, don't hat me for not telling you "no." Boat #15, I wonder if you have more of war and anger for the self righteous or the judged or you have your own perfectly imperfect balance somewhere in between of your own set of rules. Do you see any of my judgement and are angered? Are you a Christian neo-fascist in some ways? Are there some common judgments against people you would never judge people for? You make me feel like you want to relate with me with just how much of a person's entire story matters and there are things that should be understood. I know I am a punished and hated person for numbers of reasons. Have you ever punished me? Have you ever wanted me to be the victim of my own judgment or is that someone else's doing that neither of us may not know. I may be rambling too far and you might not want to talk about things that are most in the role you play. You may have wanted to use me as somewhat of a vacation, but it isn't that you are against yourself that I would believe. Boat #15, you could have me anytime you want to. You could be too good to be true but you are a love at first sight heartbreak at first sight anyway. I love to feel your love.