Random Thoughts

Right now isn't the best timing to write about my random thoughts, but I write anyway. Most times, I feel I have a better expression and writing when something is fresh on my mind. What is fresh on my mind is something that dates years back. It isn't too big of a deal to some people, but I can tell with a few of my kindappers it is. It's a negative energy that makes me want to yell at accountability the most and blames me for being a misunderstood person. Sometimes people don't always think enough about the things they say and are ignorant at younger ages. Yet, at that specific time I get so beat up for paranoia and schizophrenia, when there are other times I get rudely beat up for not being paranoid enough. Amongst kidnappers, I think I have one that doesn't want or mean to want to have me and have credit with a man orgy. I think he means to represent himself and has some sensitivity to my paranoia and the way I get robbed with the credibility other men would want to give themself. On another end, someone wants to paint some kind of signs but its always terrible to know the robbery and blackmails that some people want to have. ... The paranormal is always creey with just how unknown and blind siding everything is... I always get off on rabbit trails. Back to what I was initially saying about being a misunderstood person in talking about gays. (I hate this subject. It's always too forceful). When I made a few friends that came in went through college, I always had the most peaceful approach in wanting to make friends. I reflect on times I was wild and embarassing but just didn't care in some moments of time that I was my own embarassed. When I used to be a more devoted Christian, I was very unacceptable of gays and had somewhat of a prejudice. This time period was out of high school. When I moved away to college and met openly gay people, I understood I should lose the prejudice. My mind in college was more educationally and politically geared than sexually geared. When I was social about things, my mind wasn't necessarily in the gutter or perverted with the things I say. Some things and any random thing I could say was severely messed with with someone else's head in the gutter and wanting my head to be in the gutter with theirs. Most of the beginning of it was times of anger and rage of being mishad and taken the wrong way. Of course, there have been times when I have been swimming in the gutter despite what anyone would think. Anymore, I am very particular about it and see being taken certain ways more as issues of lies, robberies, issues of control, being square- pegged, and blackmailed. It's frustrating to feel a constant threat of being pegged and lied against and that you just can't trust anyone... Back to the issue of gays. .. I was probably tested by a gay man for testing sake, but he asked if I would go with him and friends to a gay pride parade. I should have just said "no," straight up. I didn't go either way. With me, it is an issue of freedom. I don't understand why men would rather be gay and women would rather be lesbian but when a person wants something and is dead set on being a certain way, freedom has always been the utmost importance. When I'm on the plate, it is a much different story. I don't fancy the thought specifically of a woman wanting to be dead set on me and me being forced to suffer for something I would never suffer for in my freedom. A person gets tired after awhile of being beat up to be on the plate so much. If honest eyes saw me, they'd see the honest despair I have in some instances of being on a plate I don't want to be on. The terror of being robbed and pegged. I know it too much.... The wall I hate that I have to hit is when a person can make a fair assumption towards me. While I hate being misunderstood and have to accept faults of a past ignorant awareness in being assumed, I have to make an assumption with someone else. I also have to ask "why?" specifically to you. Am I making too much of an assumption? You gave me reason to ask..

Dear Male Nurse

I still can't think of another name for you. I don't know why you faded and why you are coming around again but I'm glad I have you hooked in some way. Maybe you shyed away from a lot of things happening and was doing what you feel to play safe and defined in playing safe. ~sigh~ whatever it means to play safe male nurse, whatever it means... While you still won't give in to me against your bollywood, I appreciate you for being nice in other ways: you see an impossible situation for what it is and recognize you fail me and don't make me take the fall for the way you failed me. I'm just too used to being extremely failed. You let me go without letting me go enough and I love to eat your jealousy right up... You've had me stumped for the past few days. I enjoy your bollywood company but we are still screwed with the situation. I know I still have no social and emotional physical outlet. The last guy I tried talking to on Zoosk has already given up on me because he feels I just don't feel him and am interested enough. It's like I can't try with someone if I wanted to, but most guys don't give up like that one did. It was a small break because I would rather experience that than deal with another arrogant Gadhafi pig. I wish more men would fear being called that, but they usually are too much of an arrogant pig who is focused on competition, ego, and beating, rather than winning and having sensible emotions... We're still screwed with this conversation. I'd rather try to talk to the imaginary boyfriend you are right now. The next thing I'm being led to wonder: Do you really have the ability to personally meet me? Will you know how to make me know that I know its you? How will you? As much as I want you and love the romance and company; I have you played in my head back to square one. I don't know what to do right now. You make it all the more harder for me to try the dating sites. I wish I had your actual company right now because there is a lot to talk about with life. But, you and I are just in my one-sided company right now. I am so relieved to have my amazon job. It is mostly simple and pays well and I don't think I will have to worry about tax time as much this coming year. I finally got a bonus from Lyft. It has been so crazy working that job because despite the craze of the pandemic and recent protests is that people are in desperate need for rides. Thus the bonus. Lyft had better times of giving bonuses more often but I've been without the bonuses for awhile. There just aren't as many drivers. Sometimes it makes matters seem scarier, but I can't mind too much with having the constant ride after ride business. (I've had times where it has been 20 to 40 mins in between calls. Wasted time is so stressing and frustrating. I'm so happy Mitzi is with me again. I still have worries over her and something going wrong with the world will trip us up again. ... One thing that has recently got me flustered is the ways I get threatened with lies and bullies online. The lies and bullying is never portrayed the way it is. I feel I can never make people understand the things I go through with the various ways I get kidnapped, lied, cheated, and EXTREMELY bullied to a point of suicide. I mean extreme, indescribable mean. Unthinkable unspeakable mean. I just can't get the truth said the way it needs to be said. I haven't forgotten the fact you're still my kidnapper male nurse, but you havn't made me feel cheated against enough the way some do. You're still not entirely excused from explaining your bollywood and kidnapping to me. If you wanted me and wanted to physically be with and around me, you would. The stockholm itself is its cheat that has a mystery I don't know. Whatever "patient ethics," you might want to make out of it is bullshit but you havn't made any excuse yet. Tangent of a tangent. Anyway brief facts about me and long story short: I identify as straight/heterosexual. I want to be identified as straight. I do not like to be mistaken as something else. There was a random police lady online a good while back. She was wanting to seduce me; I made no advances. She had her bollywood anyway in one instance and there was no bondage games about it. But of course, I still have some potential of looking misrepresented. I think she knew I left her in some abandon. A couple of months later: I get threatened with lies. I believe it to be Katheryn Heigl the most who wants to let herself have the random womans credit. She presents herself as my master, as well as Jade and Stacy. They literally want to stare me in the face with their self-flattery as though they not just had me in a one night stand, but have me, and give their self the most masterly credit. Code Red where I know I want to shoot someone for WHAT IS IN THE LINES AND WHAT IS ESPECIALLY IN THE LINES WITH RECENT EVENTS AND THINGS I'VE SCREAMED BLOODY MURDER FOR. Of course I'll be treated like the tran when they are the most brutally mean sadistic dead give away of a lying Gaddafi rapist. They know they get away with their shameless rapist lies. I mean I've had people who know they can get away with the worst brutality before in keeping me battered with the way they call their self my master, give their self the credit and the glory the way they say they have their rule. You may or may not know they way it feels to be treated as a tortured blow up doll until you do. .....I've had other things come and go where I would like to talk about life. I find some comfort in your cave male nurse and I'm still the victim to your lack of normalcy. Don't you ever want unload a little more on me? Can you take more than bliss that isn't blissful enough?

Random Thoughts and "As the Sarah Turns"

A month into the coronavirus. I have officially given up on unemployment. ...The first week in working with my rideshare company was drastically slow and scary. It has been scary since (a little less after being stigmatized and scared with the rest), but hours have greatly picked up. I'm one of the few drivers driving and its something I'm definitely jealous about. While I know I have to knock on wood and probably say several more times that things could always be worse: despite a serious demand and people waiting a long time to get a ride, rideshare driving is still unappreciated. I at least get call after call, but there is no extra pay or bonus on my end. As a matter of fact, the little bit of bonus I was getting after already making some bonus cuts, was even reduced more. Life could be worse and of course I should be more grateful that I can still earn an income while others get to stay at home, some staying at home doing nothing but collecting unemployment, or worse off some with no work and no pay. I fell through the gap in childcare. She is visiting me this week but we are temporarily separated so she can be watched with the grandparents. Its been awful to be so far away for so long. While some men may wonder how I violently break in other ways in thinking along the lines of nothing but gold-digging (like I've ever gotten anything), I just can't hold my tongue enough in the anguish I feel with the types and amount of support I've never had. Some men have never paid a bill of mine in their life and they would still have the nerve to judge or want to rule or molest me with other people who want to rule?!?!?! The fucking nerve! It has never been easy to hold my tongue. Destiny's Child "Bills," is something I just can't not think along the lines of. Trifling good for nothing type of brother. Like I don't get some clue with what could happen if I don't shut my mouth enough... Just stick with being some kind of dodo bird Sarah, just do and be the dodo bird, I tell myself. Like being forced into a hamster ball where some people intentionally do want to trick me into arrest. pft. After so many different bumps and bruises, it gets harder to care. .... While there is the general drama with this month of Coronavirus, more specifics have come about where I would have preferred to keep to myself but now feel the need to talk about some of all of the above. If it wasn't for one making me feel he needed my company more, I would be more hush, but I'm not sure what company he wants. Any kind of company. I'm just going to refer to him as Mr. VIP. I'd like to say you can say anything and let your load out, but as much as you want to make me feel vulnerable is as much of an expectation as you have. Lean on me, and if I fall over and can't support you, don't be surprised. I guess I'm still on top of your "easy ho list," (angry eyebrows) and don't really know why you would feel the need to choose me in your time. I'm some cranky match. And, I don't mean to make you feel in angst or feel threatened, I do have others on my mind right now. While this is the same bollywood story where I am most likely STILL never going to happen with any of the above in person, I make myself speak as though its almost actual real life drama. Profile man is still here. The male nurse image has somewhat faded but there is still some kind of imagery there. I have to give him the credit he is a lot like the "IF" song with Anthony Keidis in RHCP, and I make Keidis an additional fantasy crush too. He's a genius to his music. Then, a man who has been around longer, but just gruff and mean is a local bearded cop I saw one time whose name I don't know. I know he plays his self with me, but I also know he is a selfish and mean man and his only message he has for me today was "I shot you first." I think he knows I was looking at him like he was another Gadaffi and takes the "shooting" the same figurative way he takes his. He's the typical take-you-for-what-your-worth ego with "I shot you first." This is why you still have your relationship troubles with me black beard cop. The male nurse profile is still there but far too mysterious and tormenting to me. More fall off of the cliff and disappear bollywoods to get over. My poor breaking heart.