Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Christmas Cheese

Still early in the day on this holiday..........
With a list of different reasons to rate the holiday this year, I'd say Christmas is ok this year. The most positive end is that I am mostly satisfied in giving to Mitzi. There are several things I wish were different. There is one present that will be a belated gift, but I am mostly satisfied. I didn't get everything I wanted. Some of the gifts were neat or unexpected. I got a few things for my crafting business and one eccentric gift was an antique sewing machine. There really are not a lot of things that I need. I have enough clothes. It is just the larger investments that I need. There are a few smaller ones for now as well. But this year will be more possible to have a significant amount of money saved, even more if I can find the right job. While it isn't quite New Years, there are several things that I'm going to stick with and one of them is running marathons. This year the actual goal is going to be running the whole 5K without walking. I did get some compliments this year on my physique. While it feels good to have a decently slim figure, running has its own way of making me feel good as well.
This holiday felt a little lonely. I am happy with Mitzi and while I adore her baby days, I can't wait for the future Christmas' and hope that each and every one we will be financially well enough to enjoy Christmas every year.
My birthday is this Saturday. It will be my last year before turning 30. Oh my oh my oh my. life. life. life. time. time. time..........tick tock tick tock tick tock...........
I bought Mitzi some maracca's this year. I couldn't help but sing Feliz Navidad because of it......


Saturday, November 3, 2012

Just Random Thoughts

I have been still getting ready for some marathons next year. At the gym, I can almost run a complete 3 mile run. Almost. I have to walk some because my sides hurt too much. I never claimed to be a professional runner. My goal next season will be to run an entire 5k marathon without walking at all. I already know treadmills are a much different story than actual turf. Some turf includes hills. There were a few other factors that I did a running/walking combination including the weather at the marathons this past year. Anyway, my main goal next year is to be able to do a full 5k without walking. After that, it will be about the actual amount of time. I should be able to sign up for more to run as well. I hope QCS picks the same gym for next year's membership.
Holiday season. This is going to be a new change to attend family gatherings for obvious reasons. I may eventually have more of a 2cents, but for now, I'm not going to say much about meeting up with family. I am excited for Christmas. I can't wait to go shopping for Mitzi and plan out some things.
Mitzi's father was in town last week when we got the child support out of the way..... He wants to be part of her life and will be seeing her more occassionaly. It is good news and bad news. I like the idea of having a mommy break for my "me time." He isn't completely on my good side yet with trust issues............ Clash of feelings.
There have been random things in the news that I have noticed that I'm not going to say much about for now.
There is so much free time that I have. I'm still waiting for a job offer, but still plenty of things to do in my free time. More crafts to make; things to knit; things to read; netflix movies to watch; things to think about and plan. I may eventually get so bored again that I may eventually write about netflix movies. So much to do, so little time, even when there are no festival deadlines.
I hate the small area that I live in. I was hoping that care.com would be working out better, but there really are not a whole lot of babysitting opportunities in the area. I remember when I was at ORU that there were several wingmates or just other women at the school that had something similar to care.com as a part time job. There was always a babysitting offer. They were the ones who got to be choosy on ends of supply and demand. Oh well. Hopefully, I will eventually find a job. No other thoughts for now......

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Thoughts of the day

What a week. Selling crafts is still on my mind. Busy month. I'm probably going to the flea market tmw to sell some stuff and still try to get rid of a bunch of books and pillows. When I need $, I need $. In saying that, I might as well spontaneously find a strip club out of town. (of course there is no comparison) It is more work for that, and it isn't a move I'm going to make yet. Regardless of the agendas of competitive hooker hearts, it really is a big deal to consider making a move to be a stripper. I havn't given myself a deadline and have already had it in my head to wait until November to look for jobs...................
Mitzi and I got our pictures taken this week. A couple of weeks to get them in but I am very happy about it. Right now, there really are not a lot of people in my life to share them with. Still, I do plan on eventually putting together our own scrap book album and a baby picture is still a baby picture for years to come and the day I can have my own nest to decorate my pics. I still see the past years of my life as tragedy and living through unjustified corruption. I still don't know what the future holds. I don't think too much about the newest Carrie Underwood song. Music is still just music but some songs I've been listening to are still good self-pep talks.
I got a good workout today. I'm loving this new gym I'm trying out. I'll probably keep going and just keep taking advantage of the QCS membership I have and coast off of that. I get a free 2-week trial anyway. If I would have known, I would have waited longer until the craft season was over, but I'm going to get some extra free time in as much as I can. Because of the QCS, I feel a little welcome, but it is one of the nicer and more costly gyms. It could be compared to the gym at ORU, but the setting and clientele are different. Until my life is financially better; I feel slightly out of place. 
Busy busy busy

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Safety First

Dear Jon,

Once again there are several things thrown out there which leave me to not know what to believe about you. I could try to go on a goose chase, but being the poor vulnerable adult and you being the typical BSr, I am most likely not going to get anywhere. So, despite whatever is going on with you, I'm just going to put my 2 cents in anyway........
I'll play along with one idea for now and act as if you were being seriously serious. Have you not already grown on me? ...... With one thought, I will let you play the guessing games with how dependent and needy that I am with you. With another thought, I think it is possible you could be the typical macho man competing with both players and polygamists because maybe you think there is more to this than meets the eye. With one thought and statement that I have made before, ~if I give a piece of candy to one person, than I have to give a piece of candy to everyone~ I said that in relation to women who either want to mother or have some sort of lesbian/bisexual relationship. I would say the same thing to polygamist men. That would really make me an upsidedown polygamist where I am the polygamist or even swinger who gets away with being a swinger. If I was forced to either go for polygamy or bisexuality; I would probably go for polygamy. Jon, seriously, I don't know what your whole relationship philosophies are and why there are certain times and points where you think some people should choose to be bisexual, but I really wish that you would respect that I am a mostly straight woman who wants to be straight. Nothing in offense to Angelina or Penelope, but I feel most comfortable as a straight woman. As a straight woman with a bisexual man? I may write a blog on that eventually, but it isn't the subject in this letter................
Right now, if you are seriously serious, I feel I am forced to either be a swinger or subjected concubine. My heart breaks in such severe ways with both. I don't feel the same with either swinger or subjected concubine, but neither take away the pain in my heart.
You hate me and test me in so many ways, it is hard to say what you are trying to prove anymore. Will you please try harder to avoid hurting me and hating me anymore? Will you please try????

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Random Thoughts

What a day What a day

A lot of emotions and spontenaity going on right now that I can and can't handle. I can make it I can make it I can make it.
hustle bustle. Sam is not my pal or friend. Sam is on my creep list. The original Sam that I met was from Colorado. He was a person I saw as just an internet connection at one time. As in the world of arbitrage with shares and capitalism, I am lost and would probably be better off if I stayed lost. Sam is nothing but a creep right now and probably forever more. Talented writer but CREEP. I think I've said it enough. Making communication clear..........
Lots going on. Getting ready for some upcoming festivals and just a bunch of random thoughts. It is back to job hunting and the whole career idea is up in the air. Don't know what kind of job or when I'll get one, but job hunting is back in the picture.
Such a big pick and choose with money and my small budget and how I'm thinking about spending. Some random small ideas: Do I want to color my hair or just keep it the same? Wait until summer to highlight it? I dunno.
I'm almost on my 4th bag of cans. I don't know if I want to just wait until I have a bunch of bagged cans or just do the regular amount of 3 to 4. It isn't a whole lot of money. If I waited for 5 bags, I could go out for a decent meal or buy something simple.
I feel like going to the movies, but if I go I will wait until Monday. I'm happy for some bargains this town has come up with. Movies during anytime of the day in Monday for $5.00 plus free popcorn. When I was in Oklahoma, there was a such thing as the dollar theatres. It was literally only a dollar to see a movie and I think most of their food was dollar cheap too. The movies weren't immediate releases; They were releases after the releases. I think before they hit the video stores though. Still, the real movie theatre environment. I went there alone or with friends. We went there all the time.  But with all the gas money which wasn't the first thought, going to the dollar movies added up anyway. Granny story of back in my day which was only several years ago.........  Suburbs and cities have different economics I guess but Mondays are still a good deal.
Mitzi already seems to be getting too old too quick. Loving the baby days. She will be 5 months soon and she just seems to be getting old too quickly. Of course I can't slow down time or keep her a baby forever, but I'm loving baby days. ........................

Sunday, August 12, 2012


I can only put myself out of my misery.
What a long death/kill whatever.
The matador concept is a very big truth and I know what my real perception is no matter what anyone says or assumes. The game isn't always the concept of the matador, but most often, it is just fights fights fights fights fights.....
I see your raging bull continues on with the whole gitmo thing. Fine, you can have it your way. Forget the lust I have for you, I will go for the real literal bull and fucking hump that thing to pieces:

Look at that sexy bitch. One of its damn horns is already ripped off dammit.
(Jon I swear if you seriously put my money where my mouth is I will neverendingly scream for justice and want you murdered for the sex offender you have been. )

<a href="http://photobucket.com/images/bull" target="_blank"><img src="http://i578.photobucket.com/albums/ss224/NPKillion/BULL.jpg" border="0" alt="bull Pictures, Images and Photos"/></a>

Further on with some role playing, and continued objectification games or whatever it is with you.
If I am the one who is the matador, this is the way it is going to be:

Tom Petty- Last Dance With Mary Jane

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Limp fuck after limp fuck after limp fuck. I know we have never fucked but I've seen the perv you are and that you sexually correlate things anyway.

If I am the one who is the bull. It is more like a dumbass deer looking in a car's headlights. What the hell is your matador trying to achieve? What the fuck am I supposed to do with more insults and offenses? I'd probably just sit there and keep staring at you. hhhmmmmmmmmm? hhhuuuuhhhhhh?

I really do feel violently insulted and offended. I can't take your hate or your lies or your truth. So many times you bullshit and play games, I don't know what your lies or truths are. You make your hate very clear. And afterawhile, things die and your continued fights fights fights just are pointless. Fine, you hate me, you want to use and abuse me in your own ways that have yet to make sense.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Dear Charlie

While I have not yet been around to everyplace to gather some info, I think I have seen enough for right now to have some things to say. I will say it again that I remain anorexic to all names and blended looks. I could guess your motive could be part of the cycle that involves the "honeymoon,"; you could be playing your own testing games; trying to either kiss up to or provoke me. Whatever the motive, I'm just not really going to go with your flow. I really am trying to survive and be cooperative as I can......
 There are some things you make clear and some things you do not make clear enough, so right now my best instinct would be to give you a little more acknowledgement.......As much as I said "To Rome with Love," is a lie, I would say it to "Savages," as well. I think there is some truth in some movies. You definitely come across as extremely terrorizing in Savages..... In a side trail of thought..... the arbitrage and identities are not completely clear. I have my own best guesses and definite answers of some men who I know are guilty of sexual violence and offenses. The further acknowledgement is, I can see how I am suppose to take some of the sexual savagry. A reminder, besides the broadness of arbitrage, I still have my own snowflake perspective and know that every man has his own story. The whys or reasoning could be different or the same in some cases. I personally have my own guesses as to the whys: Anger because I am not loyal; Anger because I am a rat of some sort; Anger because you and/or other men do not have sexual control or any sort of sexual control they want; Anger because some of the sexual control wants be to be a lesbian; or even the most updated said anger: crimes of passion or rage. There is still vagueness in the passion or rage because it can still be further defined.
I used to think Benecio del Torro was an attractive man with his own unique attractiveness. I no longer think that after seeing this movie. I notice in other movies he usually has the worst hand of cards. It makes me wonder a little more about his arbitrage as a whole, but I don't care to wonder too much anymore despite the sadness of it all.
Charlie, I can't see your intentions or motives yet for what they really could be. I don't think some men comprehend or understand just how much they sabatoge love if love is what they are really after when they make the choice to dehumanize, to be chauvenistic and psychotically demonizing, to be psychotically authoritarian or controlling. So currently even on your show even if you are wanting to warm me up with some of the backwardness and cynicism, Savages is speaking a little louder right now.
For you or for anyman who ever would want me to consider a serious or any sort of relationship, every single man included in Benecio del Torro's arbitrage would be the last I would consider. Not just because of being a drug lord, but even worse in the way he was a savage. I would not want Mitzi around someone of that persona.
I think it is possible Jon is included in this one and the message to him is almost the same as it is with Charlie and Benecio, but he isn't even kidding me that he is in it for love. Jon does nothing but sabatoge and brutalize and make every effort to break my heart. I'm still unsure with what is going on with him right now. Maybe there is a larger cooperation of us fading but I'm not even sure of what Dr. Oz is trying to say now either.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Random Thoughts

One of the good things right now that I'm looking forward to is a marathon at the beginning of next month. I have a practice run tonight and of all days, it is 90 degree weather. I guess I could expect such a hot day in the summer. I wonder how much weight I've lost if I have lost any. I havn't checked the scale and will eventually do it when I think I can take it to see.-----------------------------------------
There is so much to do and it seems there is never enough time in the day. Knitting, crafting, chores, taking care of Mitzi, and I don't even have a job yet. I will eventually apply and the one of the next things on my endless list of things to do is to make a resume. I did start and have actually finished my cover letter but have yet to get around finishing my resume. I'm anxious to look up more festivals to display. Still poor in such an agonizing way. I really feel the rest of my life is doomed to the analogy of a camel. Some times life is not so bad. Other times I have the satisfaction of knowing that I am fulfilling something I would rather do than something else. Not many options as there should be in such a world that I'm not even going to describe right now. ------------------------------------------------------------
One thing that really has surprised me is the newest show coming out on FX with Anger Management. I lost track of the other 2 shows with Wilfred and Louie simply because I was too offended to finish watching. So far with Anger Management, I consider my approach to be nothing but surprised, observant, and curious to see what it is about. It definitely gets my attention, but I will leave it as just that. If characters are supposed to mean something to me, I'm not 100% sure who they are or what they should mean to me if there were anything directed at me. ----------------------------------------------------------
Usually, I really don't look out for my ego too much. There is a difference in having an ego and being egocentric. I know I have been fed up with Egocentric people for a long time now. However, there are times that I just have to be remindful especially during times that I feel suffocated by either a pig or a number of pigs. There is only one psychotic stalker I see right now which is Denny Williamson and I will make it personal that this blog is not about him at all. He remains in a rapist denial that I look up to him and live to impress or appease him. So yes, in this instance, I will be very clear and remindful for the sake of my very ignored and unacknowledged being.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Random Thoughts

Just another day in the life of me.... My garden is a flop. I will try again at a different time, but not sure this year. I'm going to have to put more effort, research, and an investment before I try again. My biggest mistake was putting the soil on top of the grass because the grass just grew through it and grass counts as a weed. I havn't seen any other plants grow. So, I'll have to start all over again with additional supplies and knowledge next time. I have also come to a decision that I'm not going to invest as much in the spring/summertime crafting. Besides my winter accessories, some stuff sells, but not enough. So, this year, I've come to a different conclusion of how I will manage my crafts; goals to make; and times to sell. I may do maybe 2 or 3 more flea markets with some of the other stuff I have to sell, but it is going to be dependent on things and random. I have a load of pillows and books to get rid of to make a few extra bucks. One good thing coming up is a possible job opportunity. I'll be finding out more today, but if things work out, one major stressor will be out of the way. Besides the stress of not having a job, I have had a slight enjoyment in the spring with being a simple homebody. It is definitely not something that I like or even make a goal for. But when I have the house to myself, I've been watching some movies or listening to country music. I also feel more relaxed when a clean home is a happy home, but because of the baby, I don't have as much time to clean as before. I also have been thinking about the usual spring and summer things I do and I think I'll probably go to one of the next art walks. I think there may have already been one or two, but it is something that I will eventually get around to. I havn't decided what I'll be doing with other events but I'll probably be spontaneous. I found a new country song that I like that is simply happy go lucky, and although I havn't done any partying yet, this song gets stuck in my head sometimes:

Friday, May 4, 2012

Random thoughts

This is just a blog in the day of the life of me. Although there are still too many negatives in my life and things to be anxious about; I do have just a few things to be excited about in the next couple of weeks.... I finally got my gourd garden started. I planted a few other kinds of seeds as well. I'll just say that I know I'm not the professional gardener. I am an experimental novice and I'm alright with that. I may compete in some top rated garden contests one day. Maybe my yard will even be in a picture of a gardening magazine if I ever get rich enough to have a nice place of my own. For now, I'm fine being an experimental novice. In all of my knowledge, I did observe on thing and for the time skipped sowing a few seeds. The only seeds I didn't plant were the produce seeds that I had: carrots, watermelon, and peppers. I must have dumped the soil on an ant farm because one section of the soil had ants swarming in it. I thought to myself, ~damn, now I'm going to have to buy some kind of gardening bug spray. I saw at the dollar store that that stuff wasn't cheap. In addition, so much to have the label to say that my plants are organically grown. I think I could have put another layer of soil on the groud as well because some of the old ground was still coming out of the layer of soil. I'll live and learn and if nothing seriously grows because of it; I'll just have to try again. I've yet to sign up for one official marathon but I have started walking again. I will eventually be up to my usual distance, but I won't be able to as often since I have my baby. I have yet to decide if I want to be taking a stroller on the canal through the woods. On a few occassions I have seen snakes right on the path during my biking or hiking. I'll eventually run with the team but I would actually have to make plans to do that because just getting up and going somewhere isn't possible anymore with a baby. I'm almost ready for the flea markets again and have more crafts for an actual art gallery/store to display. I won't be putting them on ebay, but I may have a ~show and tell~ blog later of some of the pictures of my other crafts. This year, I have a little more satisfaction and pride at my art work. Along the way, some crafts have been experimental or mess-ups. I feel my work has improved a little and I'm happy about it. I hope I have better luck during this spring/summer season at the flea market this year. I already have made some things that are greatly reduced prices and the stuff from the previous year are being marked down. I may eventually put them at regular price if I enhance a few things and they sell better. The idea of finding a job is still something to be anxious for. I havn't started looking yet, but once I get a few things out of the way, it is something to have on the to do list. Love life is still crappy and not something I want to keep a focus on. There are some people things that I just pay attention to anyway.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Random Thoughts

Just about my life............
I have been gradually getting a little better. I plan on starting to walk again after this brief chilled weather is over in a few days. Exercize walking. I am able to walk. I have yet to make up my mind if I will be doing a 5K in the beginning/middle of May. In being a spontaneous person, I don't always have such a serious structure especially with things like walking. I guess it depends on how severe of a diet that I'm on to how structured I would be. But right now, I am taking it easy. I guess I'll make a decision pretty soon before it is too late, but if not in May there are a couple of marathons in June I could do and I would have a better stamina build by then.
I am still getting impatient with recovery. Sometimes there are chores or lifting around the house that I can't stand not doing and having to wait for someone's help. There have been some other things that just have to wait time out....
There are still a lot of things to be anxious about. I'm glad some sales are a little better on ebay and I have products to continue to make. There is basically one mosaic design in jewelry boxes that sells well. As for the mosaic frames, the sales aren't the greatest. I think I will probably make just a few more but have more of a focus on the jewelry boxes.
I'm anxious to get a real job too but that is still another thing in waiting time out. I've been thinking more about jobs as a whole and I'll just keep that to myself rather than gab about it.
Mitzi officially turned 2 weeks old yesterday. I am getting used to the whole baby thing, but whenever I find a job, there will be a lot of more planning and adjustments to make. God, I better find a job.
Despite so much anxiety, I am happy to be excited about being on a marathon team. I can't wait until I come to some of the practices and official marathons. It definitely is something new to do other than running on my own, but I'll still probably have my own times of running, well, walking on my own.

Funny cheese I found when watching the "My Week With Mariyln," On the recent one she sang something about her own seed in the song, but this is the real version with Marilyn:

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Dear Jon

I have yet to look at all of the clips on the Today show, but I'm taking it as you're giving me some homework to do........I also could be wondering if it is you who are writing a script right now because I'm having a difficult time with breathing.
Anyway, from the video clips of your show, while there were several comments and arguments about Palin to pile on me, you seemed to put some more emphasis on one. I see it as a trunk that has several branches. The comment was when you explained why people don't like Palin and it was somewhere along the lines of: her paranoia and people being out to get her. The first branch: this really isn't a new complaint of yours. I feel 2 knives with it from you. The first knife is you know how frustrated I already am with denial and that I would most likely elaborate and explain "people being out to get me." I'm more conscious of this trick where I feel I'm being set up to be murdered in giving my explanation. The second knife is that you have never and still are not taking me for my word and remain in denial. In general terms, not just for myself but other people, I think paranoia is natural and not always wrong in the sense that it makes the person delusional or a schiz to think that they really are in serious danger. Whether or not you ever side with me on this, you and other people won't change my mind. As for trying to be more explanatory and elaborate in this instance, I'm only playing it safe with the obvious. My main focus of survival is obviously concerning finances: I have the most difficult time in finding and keeping a job. I think I've already had more of a say and explanation in other blogs but I'm keeping it brief in this instance where all I am going to say is: Yes, I am begging the question, "Why?" "Why would I constantly be reduced to nothing and people desperately wanting me to feel inadequate?"
As for the second branch in taking it, I could take it as another hit of being beat into submission because you're picking up on some of the things that hurt me. It is about you being in control.
There was another chord you struck when you said I was contradictory with capitalism and socialism and Obama also being a victim to capitalism. I don't like either system period. Tyranny and discrimination is simply wrong. Socialism can be just as controlling and irrelevant in a lot of cases. It creates more problems than solutions. It creates drama that can be distracting to a focus and sometimes just demanded no matter what. It creates pigeon-holing and judgement that people should have no entitlement over to begin with. Too many people are way too pretentious, confident, and controlling, and it just isn't right and is clearly flawed in so many ways. Some things are just meant for other scenes as bar scenes or actual social gatherings. It isn't right to be controlled or manipulated by drama in the workplace. It is rigging and corrupt, period.

I do appreciate that you're being a little lighter on me, but I know you being the good guy is only temporary for now. Another hunch as to a "why" would be either about the military or police because when I have cried for help to past Dr's they pick up on that I have been too confident for the police and military brutality. Some have already acknowledged it as that and I would even consider you being one predator of playing the role of police brutality. I still don't know what starts it and why; it is just another reminder and reason of how painful it is to have you in my life. I'm not trying to go into dangerous ground, but when I insult you and pity myself this is one reason why.
If there is still no change in my life because it will always be back to back with one main factor of paranoia and denial, I just may eventually cry again. I can't sob now, but when something hits me hard enough again with financial stability to always be impossible, I will most likely cry for myself again. My tears don't always cry to you or anyone's snap of finger.
I may have more to say later after I do the homework with the Today Show.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Need more

I really don't express my neediness that often. I've been overedge, but I could really use more of a fix or relief right now that of course doesn't involve drugs or something else. I still deny that I've done drugs, but I've known the trash talk of others and assumptions made....anyway....where to begin....
I hate that someone is already being aggressive with the job situation. I was going to actually go there in this blog and still am but I hate that I am now aware of how back to back and seriously up against I am with someone at the same time. I know I've never won and still hate knowing that I most predictably never will and will always be cursed, alone, and damned. I know my real thoughts are just going to make it worse and will even be taken as further provoking, but I am and have been sincere in what my thoughts have been towards the entire work factor and just don't know how to not breathe. Before I get into the specific remark, I'll have my say at what I've been saying. I may not be perfect at everything, but I really have been set up to fail at things that are not my fault, nor in my control. I will continue to say that most past employment and my work history has been due to corruption and personal problems that people seriously have. I still do not know why I would be hated so much, scapegoated, singled out and to be reduced to nothing and for people desperately wanting to call me a failure. Even in the most silent ways my attitude has been and still is: begging the question: "I don't know, what is wrong with me? Moreso, what is your problem?" I will never be agreeable to how people reduce me to nothing. I will deny that logic and intelligence has been used during times I have been fired or had no other choice but to quit. I will always put it back to hate and corruption for people to desperately be authoritarian, breathing down the back of my neck, and always wanting to find fault with me. Even in a minimum wage job, people even managers, have seriously and sincerely sometimes violently, been in my face: "you missed a spot." Some people will make that statement in a joking way, but most often they really are being serious. This leads me into the specific statement that was made: "I can't handle criticism." I have been and will be the better judge. With what I know I've already put up with with hate, corruption, and abuse, I know who is usually not the one to handle criticism well. Sadly, with how unintelligable abuse and corruption has been in the workplace, this will be the next hypercritical and anal retentive argument being breathed down the back of my neck: You can't handle it. I know well within reason what I can and can't handle. Whoever and how many ever a number of people have been expressing dominance in judgement; I have been complaining the longest time against. There have been other people who have said it has been intentional torment, punishment, and abuse, but other people really take their judgement seriously and will not accept the fact that I don't think their judgement is intelligent enough and that I will ever be moved by it. It it isn't just an ego defense mechanism, I seriously am undermining the intelligence in a person's judgement. But with who I have typically been, I have had no other choice but to think like Padma and bleed on the inside. I can never win with some people, and I would even damn the preditable tough man contest after the "I can never win," scenario. It comes to not being about the truth but being about aggression. My thoughts have been and still are to past employment: "You are corrupt and abusive and my hater and you know it." I still continue to look for a job. In my desperation I pretty much do and try anything despite past history to try to have a steady income. I of course have my own local bias that I mostly keep to myself and will still keep trying to put a fresh foot forward despite past workplaces and history. I'm sick of the denial and desperation and am still looking and wondering WHY?.
I hate that we had to go to the same subject on the same day. I don't know how to not breathe and I feel I am being even more provoked into expressing myself over the issue of having a job.

Snowflakes and arbitrage is another thing that has been on my mind. I have recently learned the real term, but have noticed the concept of it for awhile. While it is an acknowledged concept, arbitrage is still a very vague and unclear issue. I think some people really are intelligent enough to understand sophistication and the snowflake concept. Other people, are intentionally corrupt and liars. And then other people are just lazy or just don't think enough.
Besides talking about my previous issue dealing with work, it is disturbing to know that even in the most structured worlds, arbitrage can still be unorganized, corrupt, and dealt with poorly. Thus, having one reason for my helplessness.
It is disturbing to know that some people are so set on possessiveness and land hunger or greed that intelligence is of no matter and of no value. If the rich keep getting richer off of such poor structure and on top of that, if there will ever be a collapsing, I wonder how the rich and wealthy are all going to collapse. If someone out there is accurate in judgement in looking at either the corruption or laziness of the wealthy; I wonder why they would keep letting it build or wait for a big collapse. I'm not a Dr or Master of degree, so sometimes, some bigger thoughts to brain storm are something to wonder about and I feel the water is too deep.

I know I'm thinking in such negative terms right now and even vague. One danger of arbitrage is when either a corrupt or lazy or unintelligable person is listening or entitleing themselves to lord over the conversation. With a particular person I care but I also don't care about anything at the same time with how overwhelmed I am. I liked the small hint/come-on given earlier and I'll just play along without caring about my naivety or what other people think. I laughed at the new invention of the man pillow yesterday; that is funny. I don't care; I just don't.

Peyton Manning has been drawing a lot of attention lately. I havn't wiki'ed him yet, but he is on my wiki list. My best assumption would be that he could be another sim or matrix man of the baby's father, JoHn. I don't know a lot about Manning or his drama personally. I actually have contacted John recently. And like the typical man, I would assume that John isn't one that is into any drama. With how things look, he may want to let everything go and maybe with what he has said in the system. He hasn't been too specific or expressive of much. I'm not really sure where he is going. On my part though, I'm not going to be easing into him passively. I am going to keep my issues and stay mad for awhile before I choose to let go and get over it. I know how I mean it and how I take it in my thoughts. I'm not going to be specific or expressive until I know I have to. I just once again don't like the idea of being taken the wrong way or someone being overassumptive with me. If his arbitrage is taken into account with Manning and Jon, he could be only overassumptive in what he thinks. I still am a snowflake and have snowflake thoughts where I don't have the same storyline, history, and feelings between Jon and John. Some shares with people can be clear, but just because two people could think the same thing doesn't make everything the same. I don't have too much good or bad to say about John; I would say he isn't as close as Jon. I would say moreso with JoHn, that there isn't a long history or elaborate story; we don't know each other that well. I havn't figured out yet how JoHn works around and within his arbitration, but he may eventually have some kind of predictability with how he percieves and uses the system of arbitrage.


Another random thought: I don't really know what is up with Anderson and his picture with Marilyn Haggerty. I'm either being compared to someone I sincerely dislike because someone is overemotional and also fighting my snowflake philosophy with their karma to say I'm not different. Or someone is having a fit in another way where they're mad because I'm not a criminal or murderer by now, thus making me a hag. I really don't know what is up with that.

I'm excited in my crafting. I am trying a new bag over with one design but cheaper yarn this time and think my idea is going to work. I havn't finished to know yet, but I am liking the results so far. So much to do, so little time. I have yet to get started on my gourds. I have them started somewhat, but there is still a lot more work to put into them. I'm going to even try making my own gourd garden this year. I looked into one festival and was upset that the artwork was out of my league. On one positive end, there was no crafting that involved knitting or crochet. There was some usual crafters with jewelry and baskets, but some even had really nice furniture made. So, I'll just have to look for a different festival where I feel more at a present league with.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

~End of weekend~

Another random blog with random thoughts.
With some drama that I see, I am getting some signals but not clearly understanding everything that is going on. I have to catch up on some of the Daily shows' shows and also catch up on other shows that I havn't got around to watching. So much media homework. I don't feel like even doing half of it, but feel I should increase my awareness. With the thought back at Jon, I don't think I would want to say anything right now.
Speaking of not feeling like doing anything, my state of laziness is something I can and can't live without. I like to be sluggish and just lay around sometimes. However, there is just so much on my to do list that includes housework as well that I can't stand not being done. The rest of my family can be lazy too and if housework is going to get done, it is most likely going to be me. Especially with the rest of them taking advantage of the fact that I'm unemployed for it to be me. With the other stuff on my to do list, I just get more stressed that things aren't done yet. It is win/lose.
I have at least got a few things done. I even have a made to order purchase on the way with my crafting. If only I had better luck on ebay. I will eventually have more stuff to try to display for a craft store, but business this year is looking slow with them too. I'm upset to have learned that in Cumberland and in a couple of places in Frostburg that a few art galleries have been closed. Not the one I've had my display in, but just different ones who did not have enough business. I was sad to learn that. The art walks will be even smaller this coming year. Who knows, maybe some out of towners will plan to set up shop. Some artists have already literally been outside but not on a regular basis.
I had another shopping trip this weekend. I had several great buys. Despite finding some really good deals, I still have the dissatisfaction of spending money. If I had a regular flow of money coming in, it wouldn't be as bad, but I know I only have so much before I can say I'm poor again. I did find a good deal on a bra, but later on when I read the tags, I found out that it was made for older ladies for saggy boobs. I had a little laugh. I bought it because it looked so comfortable and it really is. I also found a pair of comfy pants for $3.00 too. In looking ahead though, I don't think I'm going to have enough of the amount that I had needed for the things I had planned.
My to do list of things yet to do is already eating away at my anxiety again. I can't do it all today anyway but still, it is just time time time.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Dear Jon

Personally, I think you're doing a lot of bullshitting right now and I still can't figure you out. You gave a couple of more clues last night and I really do not get a point to anything. Starting with assumptions:
I think right now more than anything, you have been and are still hating my "It isn't me, it is you." I feel like you are dumping a bunch of bullshit on me and want to hate me for a reason that I still do not understand or even have a clue with what your real truth is. You could be independently interrogating me and trash talking me on your own, or someone is trash talking about me to you and I really have no clue what is going on.
Right now, it seems like everything is very impossible with you. There is nothing I can say or do about anything; you continue to damn me for some reason.
With the guest you had last night, I can only make so many assumptions. I never claimed to be a professional with Russia as a whole. I have read a couple books, most of them about politics and history and relations with other countries. As for current political leaders, I really do not have a large amount of knowledge. It is kind of that I take notes as I go. If I am expected to study Russia, I don't know the main things I should have the most focus on; I don't know the thesis that is expected of me.
Maybe you're mad and jealous that I ~am married to myself~ and are giving some raging sexual harassment and other kinds of harassment about being married to myself. It is back to you hating "it isn't me; its you," and the only tyranist I have to deal with is myself. You aren't completely ignoring me, but I feel ignored for the most part. I also feel like this is another knife you want to drive into me with denying that I am being stalked and have haters on my back. It is all me and everything is my fault and my responsibility. You keep killing me in the worst ways and I'm not understanding why you hate me so severely.
I think the real Putin has some knowing of me, but I do not believe he wants to be married to me.
The other guesses besides the real Putin and myself, are Larry and you. I have caught on to how some people are overassumptive at some things if I were to say an expression or phrase and say it again in a different time or place, than there must be a real correlation between whatever two places I've said whatever at. I think you may want me to think that with you with how I have been expressive at seeing you. Sometimes, I have been paranoid with marriage remarks in regards to you, but I have never really believed it or taken it seriously. I could believe to some extent that you would see me as your girlfriend, but I do deny that I think you would take it more than that.
Before I forget another thought, in a side thought, I am also offended at the way you are insinuating that I am immature. I really don't understand how you perceive me, but I've been fed up with so much undermining and underdogging. It is another thing where it is impossible with you because I'm not understanding how you think.
Larry. I really don't believe Larry would seriously want to be married either.

So, with your interrogating and harassing, I really do not understand your anger or why. Are you seriously offended that I sleep with only my panties in my own room? Does it seriously bother you?

I'm just not getting you and I feel like you may be looking for more excuses to say that it is ok for some people to waste my time. You make my life impossible and damned and I don't get you. And I don't know how to not breathe.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Dear Jon

Ok, some specifics. I'll start with some clarity. When I called someone a womanizer the day of one of my first prenatal visits, I wasn't quite sure to assume who I was talking to. I never called one of my Dr's a rapist, you're only creating your own story. There is a possibility he could be responsible in some of the tyranny I've dealt with. I've already been given a hint at one of the Dr's and who she shares a connection with. But, when I initially walked into the office; I didn't really know how I should really perceive the picture.
When I said the term "womanizer," I was directing it most at the person who wrote the article of the picture of the meal I had the previous day: beef and brocolli. Talk about heavy duty stalking and harassment; I don't even know who said it. It is possible that the Dr. could have been a little womanizing in an online article of a story where he felt like a bad man for being a millionare and saying I deserved to have money and that he felt sorry to make me inferior to whatever person he is in a relationship with. It is guesses really.
There was one time during a class that the hospital alarm went off and there was a code red on a different floor. I also have not liked the teacher and have already made a few complaints to some people that I don't like the teacher. And as I've told them already: I'm not there for the teacher; I'm there for the class.
The most obvious paranoia towards you was with the heart Dr, but Jon, I do get the impression that you want to seduce me with playing Dr.... Jon, I really do hate that I have to say you are pretty good at some of your seduction games. It still doesn't feel right to let myself be seduced. You have done some of the worst things to me. I think you even intentionally want me to be digusted with you at times. You really have me at a time where no matter what emotion I have, I don't think it's going to make much of a difference to you. Besides it not feeling right emotionally, it is the disgusting things you have already done that make me feel embarassed to be seduced by you. If you're going to seduce me anyway, I'd rather not be reminded of reasons to be embarassed. I think you have your own paranormal, indescribable way of hacking in my head sometimes, and I don't really know what to say to you with a number of things.
I really don't like the position you're putting me in right now. I'd rather not this conversation be so out there and exposed, especially when some of the info is in regards to where I will be giving birth. I wish you would have found a different way to connect to me by now.
I don't know what else you want right now. I might pick up on things later. I did watch the movie "Selena," and the movie didn't even say what the reason was over the person who murdered her. Oh that's right it was actually a woman. It didn't make any sense why she murdered Selena. If I am supposed to be paranoid; I don't know how this movie would correlate to me in being worried over being murdered. I am just now watching Jersey Shore and Mad Men and I am also going to catch up on Jon Benjamin has a Van. I will probably add that to the list today too.
Nothing much else to say; Still early in the day.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Saturday short and sweet

Well, not really. For the sake of Valentine's, I could say semi-sweet. I'm thinking about clicking on more articles, but sometimes, I just don't feel like browsing or reading anything.
I don't know who the lullaby guy is who sings puppies to sleep. I have to use my imagination. It could be a real political leader. If it is, I take it in a light-hearted way where everything is ok for the time. If it is John, the baby's dad, I don't take it light-hearted. I really don't want to go into any major elaborations of why I hate the male population in general terms, but talk is cheap John. We are in some major fueding drama and you just want to sugar coat yourself and act as if everything is ok with us. It is not, and I'm not appreciating your egocentrism. I can scoff at this tumor, but I'm not sure how many other tumors you have.
With other guys, I'm not really sure right now. There are two older ones I can guess at and I'm just going to keep playing along and being as calm as I can.
I did take note of one NY fashion blog. I'm not really sure how I should read it. I take it as a light-hearted approach, but there are some Peter Pan moments where it just doesn't cut it. If attempts of friendship with Erin or Autumn is being made, it is back to "talk is cheap." I would assume that they could share some responsibility in how damned my life has been. I definitely know more with Erin that she does think it is ok to subject me to her. Approach or no approach, talk is cheap. Call me impossible, I don't care. I don't want their friendship. I've also been seriously damaged already when some of their drama has included other guys. I don't care of any other routes from there. If either John or Jon is giving further bisexual suggestions, they have so much nerve to be suggestive like that. I was never close to the baby's father anyway, but they have both been assholes. I obviously have not conformed to their preference of culture, but just because I bitch a little about faschism doesn't mean that I'm being desperate to fit in. I'm desperate to get them to stop being hateful. If this is what they want to tame their dragon; it's more like trying to tame a sick pig. Jon, I know I went Brittany on you a couple of years ago with "Slave for you," heck I even said it expired when you refreshed your memory. You're taking my Genie too far in what you are demanding. I may eventually have a tougher hooker-like heart one day that won't care what it is being told to do, but until then, my heart isn't tough enough to withstand any neverending type of sexual demands. If I do become a stripper and am experienced enough at being stone cold hearted, your pig just may have its day one day. Until then, you need to figure out more of your wishes at my command in a more possible way. I hate the way I already know I don't have a hooker-heart and you have the potential to make better guesses at me if you actually payed attention to try to make guesses. Just command and I will try to say "yes," as much as I can. I can't say yes to everything, but "yes" or "no" with a straight face and no elaborations is fine with me.
The other John, compared to Jon, you actually are more of a "good guy." Still very bad with your original plans of abortion and how you have been dealing with things in the matrix. However, I'm not your "Genie," one bit. I'm not even going to say how I become a Genie. I just do. You're safer in realizing how impossible I am right now and to not test me in any piggish way or test me at all. I will eventually send you a literal and personal email later. And yes, literal personal emails are different than the matrix or blinding, hustling, media. Much different.

Monday, February 6, 2012


It is no lie that I have been feeling more and more choked by controlling and demanding tyranical people recently. I just can't stand it. People are not God period. If a person has a well-earned title, the title can only go so far and have so much of a description. Nobody deserves to be a slave laborer that can be elaborated in so many ways. ugh.

Madonna vs. MIA. I'm already being stared at the wrong way. If I am being undermined as a high schooler, it is another judgement I roll my eyes at. How dare I like some of Madonna's music. It is the judgemental fault of others with how they symbolically make assumptions with me. This has nothing to do with Hudson if it is her who is being egocentric. If it is Madonna, her own symbolism is only so much. She isn't God either.
MIA damn the structure vs Madonna and a possible symbolic opposing emphasis to damn the system? It can easily be said anarchy and tyranny are one extreme to another. I like MIA too, but however people take me in their own judgement is something I am not responsible for. I know I am a logical and reasonable person. I also know when I am being manipulated and suffering from someone else's slave labor and damning or manipulative pistol whipped communist socialism.
There never was much breathing room. Some people's assumptions cancerously continue to develop at a very quick rate and there is nothing to do about some psychotic authority that exists.

I'm not symbolically sold on either. I simply have some music appreciation for both of them.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

As The Sarah Turns

Some info flying but nothing new or anything that I believe to take serious. Well, I will rephrase that.......
There are several thoughts and people that I feel the need to be in quiet mode with. Yet, there are a few people who are being very obvious and up close.....hmph. I don't know if I should take a serious threat to watch Dr. Oz instead of Anderson.? Dr. Oz kind of looks like a local right now; a local that I have made clear that I hate. He may have something new to say. If Dr. Oz and Joe are another piece of capitalism that is serious, than I have to figure out what is up. I did get the message that Joe sees himself as Jon. Joe, you could write me a script as well because if there is anything honest to say to you, you will not like what you hear. Most likely, you will probably continue on with not hearing me at all and have more demands and expectations of me. ........... in time I will see different signs to know for myself I guess. I've already said I don't get how the system works, but there have already been occassions where people have gotten some messages across.
If it is back to Jon, I am guessing he may want me wearing the nametag of "Kathy," and "The Wife of Gingrich," not in a serious connection with Newt. Call me whatever name Jon, call me whatever name.
I think that I am also getting a message to look at another character as a soap actor. What a dark plot going on right now: a seriously violent threat being delivered and it is hysterically going through as entertainment. I just can't converse with him as I would with Jon. It is not the same. The conversation would still be awkward and I would work within my own structure to give the conversation or message to the right person. It just isn't the same. I just don't know how I would be a drama queen or make a scene on him. Awkward kind of cooperation.
Man, I hate the bad guys right now. Just give me a nametag or script.
I kind of feel a little cheesy about a rant that I had a little bit ago. It kind of was along the same lines as a message of a movie that I have talked a little over: "V for Vendetta," when I was describing my view and rants towards tyranny. Just a random thought out there.
Right now isn't a time where I feel safe or comfortable talking about any interests or crushes.

Friday, January 13, 2012

I feel like being a bitch.

Yes, while there are so many things I am leisurely with, being a bitch is one of those things that today I'm bitching at my leisure.
I have a few main men in my life at the present time. It varies sometimes with the things that I take seriously and believe. I feel I am made to wonder the most impossible things sometimes. Anderson has a good topic today that I could definitely be bitchy about and I can't help but wonder a little if this topic could be going in another direction beyond just generally speaking about the topic.......
Before I go there, I'm redirecting my attention back at Seth. I think he is giving me a clue as to what is on his mind right now. I don't know how elaborately detailed his fight or debate could be over issues of communication but I think he wants to prove something. I don't take the Mango weight loss personally or that he seriously wants me to get an abortion. I think he is trying to prove a point about ignoring an enemy or the things an enemy would do. I have already caught onto that even though some people get savagely aggressive towards me with my intentional unresponsiveness, they can either be driven crazy or other people such as Seth would put up a fight. He just makes a simple statement though defending himself which just leads back to: ok, then what is the point of your point if you're already making this simple statement? Heck, you could have even deleted this tweet. This subject really has the potential to be a serious subject with me when it comes to dealing with enemies and real life survival with aggressive people. I think his next video with the Asian volleyball game is another perception of what seems to be endless girl competition and stamina. He doesn't want to get me or my complications. I have the potential to be a sport about some things, but I'm not always going to be a sport. Seth, how do you feel about Viva La Bam? That is such a perfect example right now to continue to argue my point. I do feel a little bad for his father and wonder wtf he must have done to make Bam be that way..... But some fights are just plain stupid. Some fights don't have the values that others have. It is definitely repulsive when there was no sportiness or fairness in some fights to begin with for those same people to have ANY kind of expectation towards the person they are victimizing to be any type of a sport. You can't tell one person they have to love another or force them to share the same values of another. I hate that some people do not get the real actions in their actions on so many occassions. Seth, I obviously care or else I wouldn't be putting up any kind of counter-argument. What you could perceive as a volleyball game, I could percieve as slave labor. Depending on who and why the demands are coming from would also depend on how I would further see it: Piggish chauvenism or womanizing? Authoritarianism? Intentional and awared sadism? Juvenile Viva La Bam Jackassing? A Gangster? A Pimp? I argue that there are a number of people who are unworthy opponents. I argue that I think there are so many people that are nothing but full of themselves. I argue that some people are nothing but piggish bullshitters who know they are a piggish bullshitter to get their way in life with their piggish bullshitting aggression. Some people think way too much of themselves. All of these types of people may or may never get any type of feedback as to how they are perceived by others. Different people have different survival strategies and ways of dealing with life. Just because a person may not systematically be either very informatively wired or bowing to any pistol whippings, or whippings at all doesn't mean anything about that person. How a person is treated DOES NOT DEFINE WHO THEY ARE. Some tests are so ridiculous and invalid. It is something I feel like bitching about today: THAT SOME TESTS ARE RIDICULOUS, INVALID, NOTHING BUT AGGRESSIVE, AND PROVE NOTHING. SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST PLAIN FUCKING STUPID. AND SOME OF THOSE SOME PEOPLE DO HAVE THE MOTIVE OF BEING AFTER A DRUG FIX OR SOMETHING CORRUPT TO ENTITLE THEMSELVES TO DAMN ANOTHER PERSON.

Back to Anderson and his topic of the day. Women dating men in prison. If there are specifics, I don't really have much seriousness with the "matrix prisoning." Heck, some have already claimed that the why to everything is that I am in someone's matrix prison and their "rightful criminal." uh yeah. Damned stockholm that has yet to prove anything. ~yay for Chicago musical~ (serious eye roll)
Literal prisoners in a literal prison. I'll start with the devil's advocate before I'll go for the antagonist to it. Why would I date a prisoner? I don't consider it my truth. I get the whole letter writing process. With how the information age goes it really doesn't compare much differently to other matrix loves that I have had. These are different perceptions, but it has been such a long time where I have felt that I have been in a closer and personally and physically contacted and affectioned relationship. Letters and the matrix info can only go so far. It is very difficult and abstract to give any kind of relationship such a seriously defined meaning.
Back to the literal world........ It really is tough being lonely sometimes. Some people can be seriously and even extremely judgemental in viewing people's relationships or even single life living. If letters were sent on a regular basis and depending on how far of a location and times to visit, there would be some extent for the couple to have that regular companionship. The couple may not always get along but there can be some limited and defined companionship there where it can count. Some people are thrown into drama sometimes, in one way or another, and they end up in relationships with how some drama goes. Some people stay single despite any drama. But, for the people who do make the choice to be coupled, maybe it isn't always intentional for them to choose their significant other to be imprisoned. Some lovers have the tough love to go through with it. But to intentionally go on a dating site and seek out a prisoner? I don't know, maybe some could have the alterior motive: Shorty want a thug...........

I don't know about the men, unless the men really are turned on to a woman behind bars and the whole restraining concept. (eye roll) As for the women, they could be using the thug for the thug. I wonder on the prison site if there are options to choose from with why the prisoner is in jail? Check if you want: a robber, an arsonist, a drug trafficker, a pimp, a murderer, an assaulter, etc............ I wonder if some women plan and choose their own specialty of a prisoner. Maybe some gold diggers would want to check either a robber, con man, or money launder to have a possible future "Bonnie and Clyde," fantasy. For a woman to intentionally choose a prison dating site, I would be very skeptical in her intentions or motives to be going on it. Like any consequence to anything in life, it is on them to live with the judgement that other people could make. Keep in mind that judgement vs. harassing or stalking are two totally different actions. (Believe me, I have been in so many black sheep fueds and holy wars that it isn't funny). (It has been old).
Now, I'm going to be the antagonist. I've already said that sometimes I love being single and other times I can't stand how lonely I am. I would say if someone were to seriously hawk and judge me and be honestly accurate no matter what they are trying to prove, that person would say that I would have way too much pride as a person if there were any competition between him and I or if I was underdogged or victimized by my lover in jail. I would say it is true. I would also say the real odds of me to seriously go to an online prison dating service would be like 1 in 1,000,000,000. I still strongly believe in Shania Twain's "There ain't no particular way." song. I've also been stuck on MIA's "Paper plane," song for a long time as well. My hate for the system can also be in relation to my issues with systematic relationships. It is my own choice to decide the extent of how much I would love someone or what I would define as giving a person an unconditional love. With how shitty and unfair life is now, it would be easy to say: "How could it get any worse if I were to date a prisoner?" (I would consider a prisoner a dead weight to my personal well being and that they really don't have a lot to offer me). If I had fallen in love or had some extent of love prior? It would definitely be a complicated mess. I hate feeling damned so much already. Depending on how much I loved the prisoner, if I saw a light at the end of my tunnel where life wouldn't be so damning, it would be a little difficult (And DEPENDING) on which direction I would go. So many broken promises, so little guarantees and knowing that somethings are never guaranteed,.............. I skeptically think how could I have any hope or faith in either the prisoner's love and the seriousness of the relationship, or if there really was a light at the end of the tunnel that something would happen where life would be so much significantly better.
Presently, I am a complicated person whose world is too abstract to make any kind of decisions. Some decisions are not even existent. There is a lot of figurative talk and opinionated talk. If there was ever any in my future it really would depend on complications and a lot of matters. While I have continued to not have any faith in the present structure, I doubt in the future the structure would be any more fair or honest with me to ever get anything I wanted out of life. I'm skeptical that I will always be putting up with damnation in any kind of route that I would go. Structure or no structure, I know I can get something out of life, but I can only do so much for myself.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Dear Anderson

I seriously think it is great that you give people the opportunity to come on your show to talk about local injustices. I want you to know that I am very serious that it is important for a person to back up what they say. I am serious that if someone is going to be serious about making judgement, the judgement better not be unfair, bullshit, or onesided.
So, why am I writing a blog rather than going your tangible official route?
My own proof of life that has already happened. People were never fair to begin with. With already having a piled-up load of years of bullshit, things most likely are not going to change. I have been given the label of "schizophrenia," "bipolar," and "delusional." Am I sold on these labels? Hell no. I see myself as being psychotically damned dealing with rage and psychos on a regular basis.
You have already hit the nail on the head with a couple of things. Mind you, there have been things you have said that I have already been disagreeable with, uncertain with, or bothered with, but you have already had two issues addressed that are very right on in how I see it in my world.
One was the analogy of Syria. Another was the issue of drug rings.
It really was a combination of dealing with hate, scapegoating, and the prince concept that drove me wild at one time, but I know my innocence for what it is.
This isn't about karma. This isn't about immaturity. This isn't about being in a contest to see who is the most arrogant. I am being sincere that I think the majority of people are jealous and have a psychotic rage and anger. I don't think everyone has the same reasons for their rages or anger. I see myself being overwhelmed with victimization and the weight of it and being undefeated. I know it isn't my fault that people are who they are, have whatever problems, have whatever emotions. I shouldn't have to die either just because I'm such a hated person.
I really do think my sister is jealous and on the psychotic rage list. With how psycho she is, I give her the silent treatment most of the time and make more effort to walk on egg shells than to feed her hate or be provoking.
While I definitely have made a number of enemies throughout the years, I never saw myself as really being out to get any of the breadwinners. I will admit though that I do have some serious enemies out there. I don't even know all the names of the most local breadwinners or the state's breadwinners. Besides not knowing the names, I don't know their problems or poisons they choose. I think because I have the social work degree and am probably more biased to be the do-gooder, they would damn me for the sake of my sister. My sister is more of a convenience to them than I would ever be. I don't know the extent of the breadwinner's paranoia, and don't even live to judge them. I would make my own guesses and elaborations of the reason of dealing with so much corruption.
This town really does not have many jobs to offer. After some experience, I could still see myself as being in social work, but in this timing, it isn't my first preference of choice. I really am wanting to go into entrepreneurship and am also open to other possible job opportunities. Having a decent salary and a decent job is something that matters. I have been open to just a minimum wage job in the meantime. Both in my experience with a number of entry level jobs and in making efforts to get an additional degree in a local college, I feel I have dealt with so much jealousy and psychotic rage from stalkers, teachers, co-students, co-workers, and bosses. It is ridiculous just how inadequate people want me to feel. Besides being hypercritical of my personality (which should be irrelevant to any job to begin with) people are hypocritical with my work, with stalking my life, and even extremely discriminatory of my life. People live to entitle themselves that I should be their literal slave. They are very psycho, sadistic, and extreme in stalking to say they think they are entitled to own me. I have been extremely belittled, degraded, and condescended. I have been further abused by people arrogantly giving themselves credit and Pink arrogantly thinking she has a win with "less than perfect." They never won. They are nothing but psychos that are extremists in a number of ways and do not believe in independence but in their own supremacy.
Yes, after being screwed over so much in the workplace I literally did go bankrupt. I know for myself what my personal financial responsibilities were before getting damned, slandered, and lied about so much. You know what Anderson? Someone probably will read that statement just to sadistically force me to answer to them to how financially responsible I was just to say they deserve to have their rape.
I am so disgusted in the things I have experienced in the past several years. I do get damned over bullshit and corruption and with the way people are corrupt, there is nothing I can do about anything. People are unfair in the worst of ways. I already said the media has its own extent of having benefits but it has solved nothing. Nobody has proved anything. I've grown increasingly aware to a number of things throughout the years, but I don't see myself as a loser to anything. People are desperate, unfair, and psycho. No point has been proven at all.
I don't care how much more judgement gets shoved in my face, it means nothing to me.