Monday, April 24, 2017

For the Sake of Trying: I might be too real

Sidney, I do feel a little pale~ and at some loss of energy and hope. I've been burned a lot and sometimes it really is tough to make myself keep trying and keep caring. There are times I want to be left alone for a good long time and times where I seriously have no hope in ever having any good or real relationship.... A reminder that I don't know what to believe in the arbitrage. It's what you guys will always get for never representing yourself in person: me being questionable, some disbelief and doubt. Sidney, it looks like you and your girlfriend are the most serious of all and I'm just not understanding what your continued prowls are. Maybe you guys did get eloped or something, but what am I supposed to do when I feel pursued by you? I'm not into open relationships at all and I especially hate feeling like a concubine. What is saving you is your aggression and the fact that you're not married. I would have more of an understanding for your will to act like you care if your status was more single and dating, but you have had a long term primary girlfriend. I do feel burned by you after these past couple of days and an instance. I've felt good vibes and bad vibes. I'm not sure how burned by you I should feel but I have just been tired of all the games. I don't have any strong expectations of you, but what I've been needing is a hands down, serious, unquestionably sold win where a man knows how to do things my way without the Bollywood. Easier said than done, and usually when a man is too serious too soon, it scares me off. .....I don't talk about my enemies all the time, but I definitely know that I have them. Whether or not it is Bradley Cooper or David Duchovny messing with me, I despise them both. I would deem them both my sore loser because I refuse to let them have their way with me. I see them as a terrible alpha chauvinistic tyrant who is too vain and dense to understand just how ugly and piggish their demands are. They have left the worse impression on me, and I hate their distant subjective threats. I know I've seen some of Bradley's arbitrage around. He probably is pissed with how much I've told Paris to shove it, but it's their own problem for not wanting to give up on their tyrant ways. Shove both their tyranny. Shove David's sick tyrant. I have some enemies that wants to put me in the worst despair and/or humiliation to force me into a drug fix. Some gangster drug lord is out to get me. Sidney, if you want to save me, lying will seriously not save me, it will make me very very angry........ Sidney, are you really in it to make me feel more despair or humiliation in the most intentional way? Please don't tell me you have a share with David or Bradley. ......... I believe in monogamy. While I have nobody that I personally have any marital intentions with right now; I seriously believe in monogamy. I'm so sick of the games some people play. I can be a little bit of a hypocrite at times in game playing, but I'll understand some complications along with my own personal life complications. I'm still just tired of it all. In non-married relationships, I expect some seriousness to them. Faithfulness has always been a big deal, even though I get the wind of hope knocked out of me often. Some guys have just expected me to put up with some of the worst unfaithful relationships LIKE IT'S NOTHING TO BE CHEATED ON. Eventually, everything is nothing. .......... I don't know if the Kyle "iSpy," song was really from you or not, but I really like that song. I could almost question if a man wants to make me feel like an underdog on purpose, but I really like some of the lyrics to it. lol maybe you were wanting to get me with an indecent marriage proposal, and I should take some of my other thoughts back. lol. not that I would see it as indecent in the song, but with the Bollywood of it all. I'm really not against having friends. It's probably harder for a single woman to have friends than it is for married couples or just couples. I have several reasons that are difficult for me to have friends. If I find some friends, I do, but I'm not going to care too much about not having any. I like the idea of a man wanting to have me all too himself and possessive in some ways. Even then, there is still some forms of possessiveness that I don't find attractive at all. I would hope a man does know how to have the right kind of mind for me. ... I'm really not going to give myself too much of a hope right now or lead myself on too much. I still think you want your girlfriend the most. If there are lines to draw in being played or led on so much to just go for it, I'm just not going to go for it right now. It isn't anything too personal against you Sidney, but I just feel too tired and too burned a little with you and some past instances with some other guys. I'm still contemplating on coming to one of your next upcoming games soon, but I'm not sure whether I will or not. ............

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Random Thoughts and my own two cents

I'm so excited for my spring and summer craft season this year. I'm anxious to get some things done I've yet to finish doing because I have to wait it out a little, but I am quite optimistic. I was so upset yesterday because I messed up with two of my gourds. While I accidentally dropped one of my gourds, I never thought gourds were fragile and breakable. I was able to super glue it back together, but I'm no longer going to put it up for sale because you can tell it broke and was glued back together. I gave it to my mom. lol. With my other gourd, I wasn't following directions enough with my sealer finish and didn't realize that I had to shake the can for an entire minute before spraying it on my gourd. It had a terrible chemical reaction to the paint. At first, I treated it as an entire ruin and was so upset at not just the waste of money but waste of time. I painted a different design over it and it all worked out. It is an expensive and timely mistake to have screw ups with some of my crafts. It isn't as cheap as scribbled paper. I'm still looking into a few different locations and waiting back for my picks. I'm not sure how many I will be able to do yet. I'm not sure if I will be able to do them all but as many as I can.... I seldom talk about some of my own two cents with people. I don't like to come across as being preachy or too boringly opinionated. Most people have opinions about something, but even I don't always like to hear people rambling about some of their opinions. I see myself as being in my own unique situation, but I'm sure I'm not the only Bollywood woman alive. I hate Bollywood and the way it works. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. There is too much gossip and here say and no real talk. I never know where half of the gossip comes from. People seriously expect me to buy into too much of it. I sometimes will question some talk, or conversate with some talk, but I more so hate feeling overpowered by it, or further enabling the Bollywood gossip and here say. I don't always read all the articles either and even the ones I do post. Sometimes, the title or face value of a message is usually all the time I have for. Anyway, this is part of fueling my fire: .... Some gossip is heavy, overpowering, and I am sometimes forced to believe in it. Where does it all really come from though? It's like some people don't want to understand enough that I really do not know where this comes from. How could some people expect me to be so easy with Bollywood and keep the given value of a person to person conversation so overlooked? How could people not want to understand how much more of a person to person reality is that much more of a matter? Yet, people not only want to just bullshit with some Bollywood, they seriously expect you to buy into it more and be more of a sellout for it. I know there are people who want to be in control of the drama. I have been so mad at the control a person has to have over any relationships and drama and whatever right they think they have with either the drama or the agenda. I don't even know who I am talking to half of the time. I have always had no other choice to make Bollywood and the relationships in Bollywood a joke. I make more of a joke out of it sometimes more than others and will take some of it seriously or to heart sometimes, but Bollywood still lacks so much of a real felt reality. This is my two cent personal rant, whoever I could be referring to at any time. It's the same with any Bollywood man. ............... Speaking of gossip and Bollywood was that baseball sign a real sign from my latest Bollywood boyfriend? Once again, I hate the way I feel the enabler to the gossip but maybe someone is keeping Jon's or my other "robots" gossip/rumors/lies out-ratted. Seriously not sure what to believe about the picture. It wasn't a good sign for him to look ungrateful. I felt smitten and hopeless before the sign and am still smitten. I'm just feeling my same Bollywood despair. I'm happy, but I'm not happy, because he is still another Bollywood situation that will most likely go nowhere. Sometimes I let myself feel some kind of comfort and satisfaction of some company, but it is just not comforting or satisfying enough. Is it better for me to feel more alone? Right now, I'm more passive about it than fighting to be alone, but I may eventually give up on the Bollywood more. It really is the Bollywood, ..., it really is the Bollywood. I'm still hesitant to say his name, but I can't think of a nickname for now. I just want him to know it isn't that I don't care about him. I care for you xo...until then....

Monday, March 13, 2017

As the Sarah Turns: Clear Choices

This is about the exes and my rejected and me giving a definitive answer..... While there are times Josh has mentally roughed me up in person, or as a stalker, I'm not as afraid to say "no," to him... I'll stick with the subject of Josh for a little... I've noticed his arbitrage visits. There has been one man who has reminded me so much of him, and he denies his name is Josh and seriously does not look like the real Josh enough. People's looks can change through the years, but I had to believe this guy when he said he was not Josh. Although he came off as life threatening in a slight way, he was actually funny to fuck around with. I shut up when he was being too much of a violent pest, but because of the way he was an impossible arbitrage identity, I had to play stupid with him in my own way. I think Josh was the beginning of keeping me fucked with for the rest of my life as a dominate stalker. Other dominate stalkers aka Bollywood's have come and gone (and Josh did have his own leading me on Bollywood moments too like the rest), but he was never going to own up to it more than the other Bollywoods. He has recently jumped me in the mind twice, and I have been both surprised and horrified. The rat I am now is probably making some of his anger worse. I used to have the biggest grudge in calling him my "unfinished business," with the way I felt most unfairly played and buried alive with all of the talk and his cut throat in some ways. While I will always have a responsibility to put on Josh; I've gotten over my rage in the past several years. However, Josh has still fucked with me for life. While I can't entirely blame him on my own personal Britney psych-ward time period, I still have some blame on him and know there were others to blame too. It wasn't easy being called a "schiz" for the longest time knowing I had several stalkers and it wasn't easy when literally talking to the cops and being made to wear the label of a schiz anyway afterwards. While I was livid that not just my social life went down the shit hole, but my entire life seemed to too; I really had no other choice than to realize the friends I never had and the gangsters a lot of people are. Sure, I've made mistakes, but when one too many people were trying to make me their basement slave over anything and everything, I had a lot of serious terror to live through... Josh can't be blamed for everything, but I wish he would have been more sensitive to me rather than set me off and have made some things much worse... I'm not sure how much of a rage you still have Josh, but I believe you are definitely still mad at me. You would not have jumped me had you not been mad, and I know some people are keeping you watched and warned now because you are still being my stalker and a creeper. I'm over a lot of things and am glad for some good things that have happened in my life anyway since then, but I would never see us as ANYTHING ever again. If you have a continued persistence; I won't know what your persistence is for. It's not just whether you want to take my "no," seriously. Do you want to murder me? I don't know what you are after Josh................ Dana... I am afraid to say "no," to Dana. He probably does have another girlfriend or two right now. He is a Don Draper of his own, and no lesser money of a woman can be the one to reject a Don Draper. I know violence begets violence, but it wasn't my fault that someone gave you a death threat like that for me. You did something to deeply offend me though, and I'm just not interested at all. Someone could be intentionally lying against you to put the figurative Einstein meaning on you in the arbitrage, but I can't trust you at all. It was almost like you said what the devil said through Einstein. Hannibal Lecter would be believable in its own way. I'm not going to put up with the nerve of your demonizing sick judgment either. I'm not leading myself onto you Dana and I don't want you to lead yourself onto me either. I feel the most protective in making my "no," the most clear with you guys right now. It is not on me to lead you on.

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

I don't know how many more times you're going to be Kenny

One time was you dumping me, and the other two were that you up and "died." You know you're still here..... I am starting to feel a little guilty about taking you for granted, but I just don't feel guilty enough... "1,000 Ways to Die in the West," was a funny and cute movie. I'm sure Seth is over me by now and didn't want me to feel too bad or heart broken with Charlize around.... The thought of you and Silverman was so crazy. You weren't possessive and didn't care. It is so coincidental, but not coincidental enough. I'm not having any actual sex with anybody. I would assume that you probably do think like David and have a very open and do anything sex life. You probably are into orgies, threesomes, foursomes, are gay when you want to, and are straight when you want to. It probably is a common thing with the majority of the rich and famous. .... hmph. It is like some men want to challenge me and force me to conform on purpose. I know my own guilt in some of the mind sex. I know some people will always want to trap me in some way or another. ... Is it that I'm trapped or wanting to change the choice of what I really want in a relationship? I'll let some particular impossible types guess, but I still have an ideal relationship of monogamy that I feel much more comfortable with. I think the orgy/ open relationship lifestyle is so very depressing and it has always been depressing and unappealing to me. I know the truth of my present situation and what the real status of my singledom means. Just because I can be a whore doesn't mean the above said and etc........ Writing a blog like this again makes me feel tired, weary, and a little depressed. Maybe I assume too much with you Vonny, but maybe I shouldn't be so surprised if you are like the typical celebrity. Whether or not you're going to be my dying Kenny again, I don't know. I would claim my status as being single and talking to a few guys which mostly includes yourself...................... P.S. (I apologize anyway for an incident that happened while driving my car alone. I really was thoughtless and wasn't of any serious intention with something. I keep a lot of my "mind science," questioned and keep the presence of company questioned. In another terrible way that I was off or that you were really off was that it was Pete in my head and not you. That was a pretty impossible isolation but I thought I'd talk anyway. Yes, I was thoughtless and feel a little embarrassed about it. I'm STILL ALONE when I was in my car!!!!!!!!!!!) YOU GUYS GIVE YOURSELF THAT MUCH CREDIT OF YOUR PRESENCE ANYWAY! Shame on all of your bollywoods for giving yourself so much credit that you are here with me when I still know I am physically alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, February 10, 2017

As the Sarah Turns

While I still question the truth of a story and if Pete has cancer; I have no other choice than to have more doubt... Very upsetting. He came across as a sociopath juvenile last night. The one guy looked like him, but was from another country, so it couldn't have been the real Pete. What if him being from another country was a lie too? Was Pete's hair really red, or I thought it to have a brownish looking color. I was not giving Wayne any of the credit for it either... If Pete had such strong feelings against me, it is his own childish fault in acting like he emotionally or sexually cared. I keep questioning that. The doubt has outweighed my belief in him because he did show more interest in someone other. I think he meant to insult me too when he showed more interest in someone else. I still held down my personal fort with Kelly Rowland's "Representin," song. Pete obviously has a serious personal problem with the way I was never going to give up on my self worth. When my Pamela takes my bullies on; that is the emphasis I have against their hate. I'm not giving up on my self worth, and I'm not giving up on waiting for my personal Ludacris. My Ludacris will be well worth the wait, and if I never find one, it will be worth it for me to remain single than to lose my common sense to give up on my self worth for some juvenile sociopath who hates me. How vain it was and has been for someone to expect me to give in to their sick hate.

Saturday, January 21, 2017

That's It Dillon

My most prime initial thoughts: You are VERY paranoid, hypersensitive and on edge with me. I hate being forced to be so mean, but you leave me no choice. I was over you a long time ago. I was never even serious for you. I know you are out there lurking and stalking, and I would deem you another vain, egocentric man who is desperately trying to take me for what I'm worth. I don't care what you think of me Dillon, and I'm getting quite tired with the way YOU EXPECT ME TO BOW TO YOUR THREATS. You're another guy that I'd send to the Rusted Musket because all you are is a frustrated chauvinist staying the most frustrated in wanting me to give in to your one-sided and vain chauvinism. You're on my bad side for life Dillon. I don't know the half of what your one sided and chauvinistically double standard gossip is, but I can tell you want to put things on me and trash talk me when all I've done is glance at your stalker and blink. I hate to have to be so mean about it, but I can tell you keep trying to push me around in my blind side, and you seriously are too paranoid, egocentric, and desperate for wanting to put some kind of blame on me. I had a thing for you a long time ago, and got over you a long time ago. Someone could be an intentional instigator and provoker to you, but it isn't me, and I left you alone expecting to be left alone. You're not going to win with me.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Cursed to the dog house

Where did I go? Personally, I think Calvin Harris hates me for hating his song "Blame it On the Night." I hate the singer's voice and the guys it reminds me of. I am disgusted with "Imagine Dragons," too. Some men really think they have a lesson to teach me and have always seen past their barbaric jealous hypocrisy where they have always been more guilty in thinking "they have a lesson to teach me." It really could be a wrong person wanting to stand in my way the most, where I will take my punishment to an extent with you anyway, along with keeping my own silence. I have a clutter of thoughts where I want to make sense to you, but speaking my mind out loud won't always make sense to the other person because I'm in a clusterfuck.... You could be thinking "You know you don't know the number of women and the hook ups I have, don't feel too guilty." I have a natural way of feeling guilty and would rather not come off as being too insensitive or ignorant with you. And while I agree to an extent that I shouldn't feel too guilty or be too naïve with you, what is it with: "Happy Birthday David Bowie"? Do I need to be paranoid over David Duchovny at all? You seem to really make me wonder. Besides that in not being too guilty: we are not literally seeing each other in person enough or at all, you leave me hanging with some things, you could be giving more or most of yourself to someone else.... ... Are you really friends with Tom? Do I want to say the other man's name? (It seriously is not John A. and he will never have another chance in this lifetime. He is so gross with the worse senseless barbaric will to want to be in control and making way too many of the worst mistakes with me.) Anyway, Tom and the other dude have their horny "Frank" share.. "Magnolia.".. It was a funny character really. Serious but funny. While I could be making things worse on my end to argue who deserves the "Frank" name the most of marking someone as his, I kind of already did that with you when I flew to Nashville..... I'm really a little embarrassed and a little more shy over the serious aggression from them in my mind. It's still all in the mind though. Tom must still have his beef and some drama with me. The other guy, I must really do it for him...There are some more real and tactile connections, but a lot of it is in the mind..... So, I pick a job that pays decent that does have the better odds of getting my bills paid off better, but it's a job where there will be more odds of trouble. I'm not looking for the trouble. Sometimes, I have no other choice than to chase it, try to find it out, try to stand a little too close, make myself feel a little less defenseless or entirely ignorant or too threatened. When some men are serious to protect their own sense of dominance, sometimes my actions are of no matter..... .... Sometimes, I question if you're more gay than anything, but I believe you to be bisexual for now. It's like you could have mixed feelings with your jealousy and possessiveness. ...I can be a man magnet at times and inconvenient times... I feel low for you knowing there are things I can't always control. .. I mean to try to be safe with you