Random Thoughts and "As the Sarah Turns"

A month into the coronavirus. I have officially given up on unemployment. ...The first week in working with my rideshare company was drastically slow and scary. It has been scary since (a little less after being stigmatized and scared with the rest), but hours have greatly picked up. I'm one of the few drivers driving and its something I'm definitely jealous about. While I know I have to knock on wood and probably say several more times that things could always be worse: despite a serious demand and people waiting a long time to get a ride, rideshare driving is still unappreciated. I at least get call after call, but there is no extra pay or bonus on my end. As a matter of fact, the little bit of bonus I was getting after already making some bonus cuts, was even reduced more. Life could be worse and of course I should be more grateful that I can still earn an income while others get to stay at home, some staying at home doing nothing but collecting unemployment, or worse off some with no work and no pay. I fell through the gap in childcare. She is visiting me this week but we are temporarily separated so she can be watched with the grandparents. Its been awful to be so far away for so long. While some men may wonder how I violently break in other ways in thinking along the lines of nothing but gold-digging (like I've ever gotten anything), I just can't hold my tongue enough in the anguish I feel with the types and amount of support I've never had. Some men have never paid a bill of mine in their life and they would still have the nerve to judge or want to rule or molest me with other people who want to rule?!?!?! The fucking nerve! It has never been easy to hold my tongue. Destiny's Child "Bills," is something I just can't not think along the lines of. Trifling good for nothing type of brother. Like I don't get some clue with what could happen if I don't shut my mouth enough... Just stick with being some kind of dodo bird Sarah, just do and be the dodo bird, I tell myself. Like being forced into a hamster ball where some people intentionally do want to trick me into arrest. pft. After so many different bumps and bruises, it gets harder to care. .... While there is the general drama with this month of Coronavirus, more specifics have come about where I would have preferred to keep to myself but now feel the need to talk about some of all of the above. If it wasn't for one making me feel he needed my company more, I would be more hush, but I'm not sure what company he wants. Any kind of company. I'm just going to refer to him as Mr. VIP. I'd like to say you can say anything and let your load out, but as much as you want to make me feel vulnerable is as much of an expectation as you have. Lean on me, and if I fall over and can't support you, don't be surprised. I guess I'm still on top of your "easy ho list," (angry eyebrows) and don't really know why you would feel the need to choose me in your time. I'm some cranky match. And, I don't mean to make you feel in angst or feel threatened, I do have others on my mind right now. While this is the same bollywood story where I am most likely STILL never going to happen with any of the above in person, I make myself speak as though its almost actual real life drama. Profile man is still here. The male nurse image has somewhat faded but there is still some kind of imagery there. I have to give him the credit he is a lot like the "IF" song with Anthony Keidis in RHCP, and I make Keidis an additional fantasy crush too. He's a genius to his music. Then, a man who has been around longer, but just gruff and mean is a local bearded cop I saw one time whose name I don't know. I know he plays his self with me, but I also know he is a selfish and mean man and his only message he has for me today was "I shot you first." I think he knows I was looking at him like he was another Gadaffi and takes the "shooting" the same figurative way he takes his. He's the typical take-you-for-what-your-worth ego with "I shot you first." This is why you still have your relationship troubles with me black beard cop. The male nurse profile is still there but far too mysterious and tormenting to me. More fall off of the cliff and disappear bollywoods to get over. My poor breaking heart.