thinking out loud

I've been really upset this week. I think I've sunk to a severe state of depression. A lot of it is a lot of recent circumstances and some of it is long term suffering. There is a certain despair I have where the sky is not the limit and has dropped really low. The pull is strong in my despair to mold myself to the desperation more. I haven't gone to the gym in awhile and in the past 2 weeks, it is like being against my religion in going to the gym and is not going to help my health. Although there have been many times going to the gym makes me feel better and productive, when I'm depressed it is the last place I want to go. I've cried on the treadmill and elliptical before. Pain can be weakness leaving the body sometimes but why do I have to experience the specific pain that I do? Why can't I escape certain pains and keep getting stuck with the same similar pain? It's the emotional pain of course, but going to the gym makes me cry all the more. I've waited through most of the weight of depression enough and am thinking about going tomorrow. My physical health is starting to feel gross and I think I will feel more better going than not going to the gym. … This whole car robbery has already been a major bitch. More fees and red tape is coming up more. My car was taken off the map and has to get back on. I have to pay to get a new registration. I have to go through the car insurance process all over again. I have to go through both the uber and lyft process all over again. I planned on going another week with the rental that I have paid for, but I don't want to have to go through one last one. I mean expense after expense. I've had expenses punch me in the wallet before, but being severely punched in the wallet around the holidays is such a kill. I missed out on one crafting event and plan to miss out on another crafting event tomorrow. I feel I have better odds spending the time at my lyft job than taking chances on locations I won't know will work. Especially the time it takes for everything. It would have taken more of my time just for waking up that early knowing I won't make it into the late hours of the night. I hate those hours anymore but tough out the weekend night anyway for the sake of making the money. … Tonight is a perfect time to take Mitzi to Dave and Busters or the movies but I just don't have the energy to do anything. There was a Christmas event downtown tonight but I especially don't have the patience and energy for the hustle and bustle and am especially not feeling the holiday spirit right now. I feel like shit for not taking Mitzi out though. There has hardly ever been any time at all already. One of these weekends. … I don't know what to do about the man drama in my life. I know I'm in some kind of arbitrage Stockholm that I don't understand. It's too bad that Blackbeard's stranger just wasn't more normal and reachable of a person. I'm not always motivated for the searching on zoosk and am not completely satisfied with the Bollywood I have. I'm in the same standstill that I've mostly been in and am too depressed to push myself harder. Besides the depression is that I have no other choice to be such a slave to money and making ends meet and getting bills paid. Wouldn't it be great to win an enormous win in gambling? ha ~rig and fix me~