Random Thoughts

Right now isn't the best timing to write about my random thoughts, but I write anyway. Most times, I feel I have a better expression and writing when something is fresh on my mind. What is fresh on my mind is something that dates years back. It isn't too big of a deal to some people, but I can tell with a few of my kindappers it is. It's a negative energy that makes me want to yell at accountability the most and blames me for being a misunderstood person. Sometimes people don't always think enough about the things they say and are ignorant at younger ages. Yet, at that specific time I get so beat up for paranoia and schizophrenia, when there are other times I get rudely beat up for not being paranoid enough. Amongst kidnappers, I think I have one that doesn't want or mean to want to have me and have credit with a man orgy. I think he means to represent himself and has some sensitivity to my paranoia and the way I get robbed with the credibility other men would want to give themself. On another end, someone wants to paint some kind of signs but its always terrible to know the robbery and blackmails that some people want to have. ... The paranormal is always creey with just how unknown and blind siding everything is... I always get off on rabbit trails. Back to what I was initially saying about being a misunderstood person in talking about gays. (I hate this subject. It's always too forceful). When I made a few friends that came in went through college, I always had the most peaceful approach in wanting to make friends. I reflect on times I was wild and embarassing but just didn't care in some moments of time that I was my own embarassed. When I used to be a more devoted Christian, I was very unacceptable of gays and had somewhat of a prejudice. This time period was out of high school. When I moved away to college and met openly gay people, I understood I should lose the prejudice. My mind in college was more educationally and politically geared than sexually geared. When I was social about things, my mind wasn't necessarily in the gutter or perverted with the things I say. Some things and any random thing I could say was severely messed with with someone else's head in the gutter and wanting my head to be in the gutter with theirs. Most of the beginning of it was times of anger and rage of being mishad and taken the wrong way. Of course, there have been times when I have been swimming in the gutter despite what anyone would think. Anymore, I am very particular about it and see being taken certain ways more as issues of lies, robberies, issues of control, being square- pegged, and blackmailed. It's frustrating to feel a constant threat of being pegged and lied against and that you just can't trust anyone... Back to the issue of gays. .. I was probably tested by a gay man for testing sake, but he asked if I would go with him and friends to a gay pride parade. I should have just said "no," straight up. I didn't go either way. With me, it is an issue of freedom. I don't understand why men would rather be gay and women would rather be lesbian but when a person wants something and is dead set on being a certain way, freedom has always been the utmost importance. When I'm on the plate, it is a much different story. I don't fancy the thought specifically of a woman wanting to be dead set on me and me being forced to suffer for something I would never suffer for in my freedom. A person gets tired after awhile of being beat up to be on the plate so much. If honest eyes saw me, they'd see the honest despair I have in some instances of being on a plate I don't want to be on. The terror of being robbed and pegged. I know it too much.... The wall I hate that I have to hit is when a person can make a fair assumption towards me. While I hate being misunderstood and have to accept faults of a past ignorant awareness in being assumed, I have to make an assumption with someone else. I also have to ask "why?" specifically to you. Am I making too much of an assumption? You gave me reason to ask..