I have been still getting ready for some marathons next year. At the gym, I can almost run a complete 3 mile run. Almost. I have to walk some because my sides hurt too much. I never claimed to be a professional runner. My goal next season will be to run an entire 5k marathon without walking at all. I already know treadmills are a much different story than actual turf. Some turf includes hills. There were a few other factors that I did a running/walking combination including the weather at the marathons this past year. Anyway, my main goal next year is to be able to do a full 5k without walking. After that, it will be about the actual amount of time. I should be able to sign up for more to run as well. I hope QCS picks the same gym for next year's membership.
Holiday season. This is going to be a new change to attend family gatherings for obvious reasons. I may eventually have more of a 2cents, but for now, I'm not going to say much about meeting up with family. I am excited for Christmas. I can't wait to go shopping for Mitzi and plan out some things.
Mitzi's father was in town last week when we got the child support out of the way..... He wants to be part of her life and will be seeing her more occassionaly. It is good news and bad news. I like the idea of having a mommy break for my "me time." He isn't completely on my good side yet with trust issues............ Clash of feelings.
There have been random things in the news that I have noticed that I'm not going to say much about for now.
There is so much free time that I have. I'm still waiting for a job offer, but still plenty of things to do in my free time. More crafts to make; things to knit; things to read; netflix movies to watch; things to think about and plan. I may eventually get so bored again that I may eventually write about netflix movies. So much to do, so little time, even when there are no festival deadlines.
I hate the small area that I live in. I was hoping that care.com would be working out better, but there really are not a whole lot of babysitting opportunities in the area. I remember when I was at ORU that there were several wingmates or just other women at the school that had something similar to care.com as a part time job. There was always a babysitting offer. They were the ones who got to be choosy on ends of supply and demand. Oh well. Hopefully, I will eventually find a job. No other thoughts for now......
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Thoughts of the day
What a week. Selling crafts is still on my mind. Busy month. I'm probably going to the flea market tmw to sell some stuff and still try to get rid of a bunch of books and pillows. When I need $, I need $. In saying that, I might as well spontaneously find a strip club out of town. (of course there is no comparison) It is more work for that, and it isn't a move I'm going to make yet. Regardless of the agendas of competitive hooker hearts, it really is a big deal to consider making a move to be a stripper. I havn't given myself a deadline and have already had it in my head to wait until November to look for jobs...................
Mitzi and I got our pictures taken this week. A couple of weeks to get them in but I am very happy about it. Right now, there really are not a lot of people in my life to share them with. Still, I do plan on eventually putting together our own scrap book album and a baby picture is still a baby picture for years to come and the day I can have my own nest to decorate my pics. I still see the past years of my life as tragedy and living through unjustified corruption. I still don't know what the future holds. I don't think too much about the newest Carrie Underwood song. Music is still just music but some songs I've been listening to are still good self-pep talks.
I got a good workout today. I'm loving this new gym I'm trying out. I'll probably keep going and just keep taking advantage of the QCS membership I have and coast off of that. I get a free 2-week trial anyway. If I would have known, I would have waited longer until the craft season was over, but I'm going to get some extra free time in as much as I can. Because of the QCS, I feel a little welcome, but it is one of the nicer and more costly gyms. It could be compared to the gym at ORU, but the setting and clientele are different. Until my life is financially better; I feel slightly out of place.
Busy busy busy
Mitzi and I got our pictures taken this week. A couple of weeks to get them in but I am very happy about it. Right now, there really are not a lot of people in my life to share them with. Still, I do plan on eventually putting together our own scrap book album and a baby picture is still a baby picture for years to come and the day I can have my own nest to decorate my pics. I still see the past years of my life as tragedy and living through unjustified corruption. I still don't know what the future holds. I don't think too much about the newest Carrie Underwood song. Music is still just music but some songs I've been listening to are still good self-pep talks.
I got a good workout today. I'm loving this new gym I'm trying out. I'll probably keep going and just keep taking advantage of the QCS membership I have and coast off of that. I get a free 2-week trial anyway. If I would have known, I would have waited longer until the craft season was over, but I'm going to get some extra free time in as much as I can. Because of the QCS, I feel a little welcome, but it is one of the nicer and more costly gyms. It could be compared to the gym at ORU, but the setting and clientele are different. Until my life is financially better; I feel slightly out of place.
Busy busy busy
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Safety First
Dear Jon,
Once again there are several things thrown out there which leave me to not know what to believe about you. I could try to go on a goose chase, but being the poor vulnerable adult and you being the typical BSr, I am most likely not going to get anywhere. So, despite whatever is going on with you, I'm just going to put my 2 cents in anyway........
I'll play along with one idea for now and act as if you were being seriously serious. Have you not already grown on me? ...... With one thought, I will let you play the guessing games with how dependent and needy that I am with you. With another thought, I think it is possible you could be the typical macho man competing with both players and polygamists because maybe you think there is more to this than meets the eye. With one thought and statement that I have made before, ~if I give a piece of candy to one person, than I have to give a piece of candy to everyone~ I said that in relation to women who either want to mother or have some sort of lesbian/bisexual relationship. I would say the same thing to polygamist men. That would really make me an upsidedown polygamist where I am the polygamist or even swinger who gets away with being a swinger. If I was forced to either go for polygamy or bisexuality; I would probably go for polygamy. Jon, seriously, I don't know what your whole relationship philosophies are and why there are certain times and points where you think some people should choose to be bisexual, but I really wish that you would respect that I am a mostly straight woman who wants to be straight. Nothing in offense to Angelina or Penelope, but I feel most comfortable as a straight woman. As a straight woman with a bisexual man? I may write a blog on that eventually, but it isn't the subject in this letter................
Right now, if you are seriously serious, I feel I am forced to either be a swinger or subjected concubine. My heart breaks in such severe ways with both. I don't feel the same with either swinger or subjected concubine, but neither take away the pain in my heart.
You hate me and test me in so many ways, it is hard to say what you are trying to prove anymore. Will you please try harder to avoid hurting me and hating me anymore? Will you please try????
Once again there are several things thrown out there which leave me to not know what to believe about you. I could try to go on a goose chase, but being the poor vulnerable adult and you being the typical BSr, I am most likely not going to get anywhere. So, despite whatever is going on with you, I'm just going to put my 2 cents in anyway........
I'll play along with one idea for now and act as if you were being seriously serious. Have you not already grown on me? ...... With one thought, I will let you play the guessing games with how dependent and needy that I am with you. With another thought, I think it is possible you could be the typical macho man competing with both players and polygamists because maybe you think there is more to this than meets the eye. With one thought and statement that I have made before, ~if I give a piece of candy to one person, than I have to give a piece of candy to everyone~ I said that in relation to women who either want to mother or have some sort of lesbian/bisexual relationship. I would say the same thing to polygamist men. That would really make me an upsidedown polygamist where I am the polygamist or even swinger who gets away with being a swinger. If I was forced to either go for polygamy or bisexuality; I would probably go for polygamy. Jon, seriously, I don't know what your whole relationship philosophies are and why there are certain times and points where you think some people should choose to be bisexual, but I really wish that you would respect that I am a mostly straight woman who wants to be straight. Nothing in offense to Angelina or Penelope, but I feel most comfortable as a straight woman. As a straight woman with a bisexual man? I may write a blog on that eventually, but it isn't the subject in this letter................
Right now, if you are seriously serious, I feel I am forced to either be a swinger or subjected concubine. My heart breaks in such severe ways with both. I don't feel the same with either swinger or subjected concubine, but neither take away the pain in my heart.
You hate me and test me in so many ways, it is hard to say what you are trying to prove anymore. Will you please try harder to avoid hurting me and hating me anymore? Will you please try????
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Random Thoughts
What a day What a day
A lot of emotions and spontenaity going on right now that I can and can't handle. I can make it I can make it I can make it.
hustle bustle. Sam is not my pal or friend. Sam is on my creep list. The original Sam that I met was from Colorado. He was a person I saw as just an internet connection at one time. As in the world of arbitrage with shares and capitalism, I am lost and would probably be better off if I stayed lost. Sam is nothing but a creep right now and probably forever more. Talented writer but CREEP. I think I've said it enough. Making communication clear..........
Lots going on. Getting ready for some upcoming festivals and just a bunch of random thoughts. It is back to job hunting and the whole career idea is up in the air. Don't know what kind of job or when I'll get one, but job hunting is back in the picture.
Such a big pick and choose with money and my small budget and how I'm thinking about spending. Some random small ideas: Do I want to color my hair or just keep it the same? Wait until summer to highlight it? I dunno.
I'm almost on my 4th bag of cans. I don't know if I want to just wait until I have a bunch of bagged cans or just do the regular amount of 3 to 4. It isn't a whole lot of money. If I waited for 5 bags, I could go out for a decent meal or buy something simple.
I feel like going to the movies, but if I go I will wait until Monday. I'm happy for some bargains this town has come up with. Movies during anytime of the day in Monday for $5.00 plus free popcorn. When I was in Oklahoma, there was a such thing as the dollar theatres. It was literally only a dollar to see a movie and I think most of their food was dollar cheap too. The movies weren't immediate releases; They were releases after the releases. I think before they hit the video stores though. Still, the real movie theatre environment. I went there alone or with friends. We went there all the time. But with all the gas money which wasn't the first thought, going to the dollar movies added up anyway. Granny story of back in my day which was only several years ago......... Suburbs and cities have different economics I guess but Mondays are still a good deal.
Mitzi already seems to be getting too old too quick. Loving the baby days. She will be 5 months soon and she just seems to be getting old too quickly. Of course I can't slow down time or keep her a baby forever, but I'm loving baby days. ........................
A lot of emotions and spontenaity going on right now that I can and can't handle. I can make it I can make it I can make it.
hustle bustle. Sam is not my pal or friend. Sam is on my creep list. The original Sam that I met was from Colorado. He was a person I saw as just an internet connection at one time. As in the world of arbitrage with shares and capitalism, I am lost and would probably be better off if I stayed lost. Sam is nothing but a creep right now and probably forever more. Talented writer but CREEP. I think I've said it enough. Making communication clear..........
Lots going on. Getting ready for some upcoming festivals and just a bunch of random thoughts. It is back to job hunting and the whole career idea is up in the air. Don't know what kind of job or when I'll get one, but job hunting is back in the picture.
Such a big pick and choose with money and my small budget and how I'm thinking about spending. Some random small ideas: Do I want to color my hair or just keep it the same? Wait until summer to highlight it? I dunno.
I'm almost on my 4th bag of cans. I don't know if I want to just wait until I have a bunch of bagged cans or just do the regular amount of 3 to 4. It isn't a whole lot of money. If I waited for 5 bags, I could go out for a decent meal or buy something simple.
I feel like going to the movies, but if I go I will wait until Monday. I'm happy for some bargains this town has come up with. Movies during anytime of the day in Monday for $5.00 plus free popcorn. When I was in Oklahoma, there was a such thing as the dollar theatres. It was literally only a dollar to see a movie and I think most of their food was dollar cheap too. The movies weren't immediate releases; They were releases after the releases. I think before they hit the video stores though. Still, the real movie theatre environment. I went there alone or with friends. We went there all the time. But with all the gas money which wasn't the first thought, going to the dollar movies added up anyway. Granny story of back in my day which was only several years ago......... Suburbs and cities have different economics I guess but Mondays are still a good deal.
Mitzi already seems to be getting too old too quick. Loving the baby days. She will be 5 months soon and she just seems to be getting old too quickly. Of course I can't slow down time or keep her a baby forever, but I'm loving baby days. ........................
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Dying
I can only put myself out of my misery.
What a long death/kill whatever.
The matador concept is a very big truth and I know what my real perception is no matter what anyone says or assumes. The game isn't always the concept of the matador, but most often, it is just fights fights fights fights fights.....
I see your raging bull continues on with the whole gitmo thing. Fine, you can have it your way. Forget the lust I have for you, I will go for the real literal bull and fucking hump that thing to pieces:
Look at that sexy bitch. One of its damn horns is already ripped off dammit.
(Jon I swear if you seriously put my money where my mouth is I will neverendingly scream for justice and want you murdered for the sex offender you have been. )
<a href="http://photobucket.com/images/bull" target="_blank"><img src="http://i578.photobucket.com/albums/ss224/NPKillion/BULL.jpg" border="0" alt="bull Pictures, Images and Photos"/></a>
http://i578.photobucket.com/albums/ss224/NPKillion/BULL.jpg
Further on with some role playing, and continued objectification games or whatever it is with you.
If I am the one who is the matador, this is the way it is going to be:
Tom Petty- Last Dance With Mary Jane
http://youtu.be/aowSGxim_O8
<object width="420" height="315"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/aowSGxim_O8?version=3&hl=en_US&rel=0"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/aowSGxim_O8?version=3&hl=en_US&rel=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="420" height="315" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object>
Limp fuck after limp fuck after limp fuck. I know we have never fucked but I've seen the perv you are and that you sexually correlate things anyway.
If I am the one who is the bull. It is more like a dumbass deer looking in a car's headlights. What the hell is your matador trying to achieve? What the fuck am I supposed to do with more insults and offenses? I'd probably just sit there and keep staring at you. hhhmmmmmmmmm? hhhuuuuhhhhhh?
I really do feel violently insulted and offended. I can't take your hate or your lies or your truth. So many times you bullshit and play games, I don't know what your lies or truths are. You make your hate very clear. And afterawhile, things die and your continued fights fights fights just are pointless. Fine, you hate me, you want to use and abuse me in your own ways that have yet to make sense.
What a long death/kill whatever.
The matador concept is a very big truth and I know what my real perception is no matter what anyone says or assumes. The game isn't always the concept of the matador, but most often, it is just fights fights fights fights fights.....
I see your raging bull continues on with the whole gitmo thing. Fine, you can have it your way. Forget the lust I have for you, I will go for the real literal bull and fucking hump that thing to pieces:
Look at that sexy bitch. One of its damn horns is already ripped off dammit.
(Jon I swear if you seriously put my money where my mouth is I will neverendingly scream for justice and want you murdered for the sex offender you have been. )
<a href="http://photobucket.com/images/bull" target="_blank"><img src="http://i578.photobucket.com/albums/ss224/NPKillion/BULL.jpg" border="0" alt="bull Pictures, Images and Photos"/></a>
http://i578.photobucket.com/albums/ss224/NPKillion/BULL.jpg
Further on with some role playing, and continued objectification games or whatever it is with you.
If I am the one who is the matador, this is the way it is going to be:
Tom Petty- Last Dance With Mary Jane
http://youtu.be/aowSGxim_O8
<object width="420" height="315"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/aowSGxim_O8?version=3&hl=en_US&rel=0"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/aowSGxim_O8?version=3&hl=en_US&rel=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="420" height="315" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object>
Limp fuck after limp fuck after limp fuck. I know we have never fucked but I've seen the perv you are and that you sexually correlate things anyway.
If I am the one who is the bull. It is more like a dumbass deer looking in a car's headlights. What the hell is your matador trying to achieve? What the fuck am I supposed to do with more insults and offenses? I'd probably just sit there and keep staring at you. hhhmmmmmmmmm? hhhuuuuhhhhhh?
I really do feel violently insulted and offended. I can't take your hate or your lies or your truth. So many times you bullshit and play games, I don't know what your lies or truths are. You make your hate very clear. And afterawhile, things die and your continued fights fights fights just are pointless. Fine, you hate me, you want to use and abuse me in your own ways that have yet to make sense.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Dear Charlie
While I have not yet been around to everyplace to gather some info, I think I have seen enough for right now to have some things to say. I will say it again that I remain anorexic to all names and blended looks. I could guess your motive could be part of the cycle that involves the "honeymoon,"; you could be playing your own testing games; trying to either kiss up to or provoke me. Whatever the motive, I'm just not really going to go with your flow. I really am trying to survive and be cooperative as I can......
There are some things you make clear and some things you do not make clear enough, so right now my best instinct would be to give you a little more acknowledgement.......As much as I said "To Rome with Love," is a lie, I would say it to "Savages," as well. I think there is some truth in some movies. You definitely come across as extremely terrorizing in Savages..... In a side trail of thought..... the arbitrage and identities are not completely clear. I have my own best guesses and definite answers of some men who I know are guilty of sexual violence and offenses. The further acknowledgement is, I can see how I am suppose to take some of the sexual savagry. A reminder, besides the broadness of arbitrage, I still have my own snowflake perspective and know that every man has his own story. The whys or reasoning could be different or the same in some cases. I personally have my own guesses as to the whys: Anger because I am not loyal; Anger because I am a rat of some sort; Anger because you and/or other men do not have sexual control or any sort of sexual control they want; Anger because some of the sexual control wants be to be a lesbian; or even the most updated said anger: crimes of passion or rage. There is still vagueness in the passion or rage because it can still be further defined.
I used to think Benecio del Torro was an attractive man with his own unique attractiveness. I no longer think that after seeing this movie. I notice in other movies he usually has the worst hand of cards. It makes me wonder a little more about his arbitrage as a whole, but I don't care to wonder too much anymore despite the sadness of it all.
Charlie, I can't see your intentions or motives yet for what they really could be. I don't think some men comprehend or understand just how much they sabatoge love if love is what they are really after when they make the choice to dehumanize, to be chauvenistic and psychotically demonizing, to be psychotically authoritarian or controlling. So currently even on your show even if you are wanting to warm me up with some of the backwardness and cynicism, Savages is speaking a little louder right now.
For you or for anyman who ever would want me to consider a serious or any sort of relationship, every single man included in Benecio del Torro's arbitrage would be the last I would consider. Not just because of being a drug lord, but even worse in the way he was a savage. I would not want Mitzi around someone of that persona.
I think it is possible Jon is included in this one and the message to him is almost the same as it is with Charlie and Benecio, but he isn't even kidding me that he is in it for love. Jon does nothing but sabatoge and brutalize and make every effort to break my heart. I'm still unsure with what is going on with him right now. Maybe there is a larger cooperation of us fading but I'm not even sure of what Dr. Oz is trying to say now either.
There are some things you make clear and some things you do not make clear enough, so right now my best instinct would be to give you a little more acknowledgement.......As much as I said "To Rome with Love," is a lie, I would say it to "Savages," as well. I think there is some truth in some movies. You definitely come across as extremely terrorizing in Savages..... In a side trail of thought..... the arbitrage and identities are not completely clear. I have my own best guesses and definite answers of some men who I know are guilty of sexual violence and offenses. The further acknowledgement is, I can see how I am suppose to take some of the sexual savagry. A reminder, besides the broadness of arbitrage, I still have my own snowflake perspective and know that every man has his own story. The whys or reasoning could be different or the same in some cases. I personally have my own guesses as to the whys: Anger because I am not loyal; Anger because I am a rat of some sort; Anger because you and/or other men do not have sexual control or any sort of sexual control they want; Anger because some of the sexual control wants be to be a lesbian; or even the most updated said anger: crimes of passion or rage. There is still vagueness in the passion or rage because it can still be further defined.
I used to think Benecio del Torro was an attractive man with his own unique attractiveness. I no longer think that after seeing this movie. I notice in other movies he usually has the worst hand of cards. It makes me wonder a little more about his arbitrage as a whole, but I don't care to wonder too much anymore despite the sadness of it all.
Charlie, I can't see your intentions or motives yet for what they really could be. I don't think some men comprehend or understand just how much they sabatoge love if love is what they are really after when they make the choice to dehumanize, to be chauvenistic and psychotically demonizing, to be psychotically authoritarian or controlling. So currently even on your show even if you are wanting to warm me up with some of the backwardness and cynicism, Savages is speaking a little louder right now.
For you or for anyman who ever would want me to consider a serious or any sort of relationship, every single man included in Benecio del Torro's arbitrage would be the last I would consider. Not just because of being a drug lord, but even worse in the way he was a savage. I would not want Mitzi around someone of that persona.
I think it is possible Jon is included in this one and the message to him is almost the same as it is with Charlie and Benecio, but he isn't even kidding me that he is in it for love. Jon does nothing but sabatoge and brutalize and make every effort to break my heart. I'm still unsure with what is going on with him right now. Maybe there is a larger cooperation of us fading but I'm not even sure of what Dr. Oz is trying to say now either.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Random Thoughts
One of the good things right now that I'm looking forward to is a marathon at the beginning of next month. I have a practice run tonight and of all days, it is 90 degree weather. I guess I could expect such a hot day in the summer. I wonder how much weight I've lost if I have lost any. I havn't checked the scale and will eventually do it when I think I can take it to see.-----------------------------------------
There is so much to do and it seems there is never enough time in the day. Knitting, crafting, chores, taking care of Mitzi, and I don't even have a job yet. I will eventually apply and the one of the next things on my endless list of things to do is to make a resume. I did start and have actually finished my cover letter but have yet to get around finishing my resume. I'm anxious to look up more festivals to display. Still poor in such an agonizing way. I really feel the rest of my life is doomed to the analogy of a camel. Some times life is not so bad. Other times I have the satisfaction of knowing that I am fulfilling something I would rather do than something else. Not many options as there should be in such a world that I'm not even going to describe right now. ------------------------------------------------------------
One thing that really has surprised me is the newest show coming out on FX with Anger Management. I lost track of the other 2 shows with Wilfred and Louie simply because I was too offended to finish watching. So far with Anger Management, I consider my approach to be nothing but surprised, observant, and curious to see what it is about. It definitely gets my attention, but I will leave it as just that. If characters are supposed to mean something to me, I'm not 100% sure who they are or what they should mean to me if there were anything directed at me. ----------------------------------------------------------
Usually, I really don't look out for my ego too much. There is a difference in having an ego and being egocentric. I know I have been fed up with Egocentric people for a long time now. However, there are times that I just have to be remindful especially during times that I feel suffocated by either a pig or a number of pigs. There is only one psychotic stalker I see right now which is Denny Williamson and I will make it personal that this blog is not about him at all. He remains in a rapist denial that I look up to him and live to impress or appease him. So yes, in this instance, I will be very clear and remindful for the sake of my very ignored and unacknowledged being.
There is so much to do and it seems there is never enough time in the day. Knitting, crafting, chores, taking care of Mitzi, and I don't even have a job yet. I will eventually apply and the one of the next things on my endless list of things to do is to make a resume. I did start and have actually finished my cover letter but have yet to get around finishing my resume. I'm anxious to look up more festivals to display. Still poor in such an agonizing way. I really feel the rest of my life is doomed to the analogy of a camel. Some times life is not so bad. Other times I have the satisfaction of knowing that I am fulfilling something I would rather do than something else. Not many options as there should be in such a world that I'm not even going to describe right now. ------------------------------------------------------------
One thing that really has surprised me is the newest show coming out on FX with Anger Management. I lost track of the other 2 shows with Wilfred and Louie simply because I was too offended to finish watching. So far with Anger Management, I consider my approach to be nothing but surprised, observant, and curious to see what it is about. It definitely gets my attention, but I will leave it as just that. If characters are supposed to mean something to me, I'm not 100% sure who they are or what they should mean to me if there were anything directed at me. ----------------------------------------------------------
Usually, I really don't look out for my ego too much. There is a difference in having an ego and being egocentric. I know I have been fed up with Egocentric people for a long time now. However, there are times that I just have to be remindful especially during times that I feel suffocated by either a pig or a number of pigs. There is only one psychotic stalker I see right now which is Denny Williamson and I will make it personal that this blog is not about him at all. He remains in a rapist denial that I look up to him and live to impress or appease him. So yes, in this instance, I will be very clear and remindful for the sake of my very ignored and unacknowledged being.
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