Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Cursed to the dog house

Where did I go? Personally, I think Calvin Harris hates me for hating his song "Blame it On the Night." I hate the singer's voice and the guys it reminds me of. I am disgusted with "Imagine Dragons," too. Some men really think they have a lesson to teach me and have always seen past their barbaric jealous hypocrisy where they have always been more guilty in thinking "they have a lesson to teach me." It really could be a wrong person wanting to stand in my way the most, where I will take my punishment to an extent with you anyway, along with keeping my own silence. I have a clutter of thoughts where I want to make sense to you, but speaking my mind out loud won't always make sense to the other person because I'm in a clusterfuck.... You could be thinking "You know you don't know the number of women and the hook ups I have, don't feel too guilty." I have a natural way of feeling guilty and would rather not come off as being too insensitive or ignorant with you. And while I agree to an extent that I shouldn't feel too guilty or be too naïve with you, what is it with: "Happy Birthday David Bowie"? Do I need to be paranoid over David Duchovny at all? You seem to really make me wonder. Besides that in not being too guilty: we are not literally seeing each other in person enough or at all, you leave me hanging with some things, you could be giving more or most of yourself to someone else.... ... Are you really friends with Tom? Do I want to say the other man's name? (It seriously is not John A. and he will never have another chance in this lifetime. He is so gross with the worse senseless barbaric will to want to be in control and making way too many of the worst mistakes with me.) Anyway, Tom and the other dude have their horny "Frank" share.. "Magnolia.".. It was a funny character really. Serious but funny. While I could be making things worse on my end to argue who deserves the "Frank" name the most of marking someone as his, I kind of already did that with you when I flew to Nashville..... I'm really a little embarrassed and a little more shy over the serious aggression from them in my mind. It's still all in the mind though. Tom must still have his beef and some drama with me. The other guy, I must really do it for him...There are some more real and tactile connections, but a lot of it is in the mind..... So, I pick a job that pays decent that does have the better odds of getting my bills paid off better, but it's a job where there will be more odds of trouble. I'm not looking for the trouble. Sometimes, I have no other choice than to chase it, try to find it out, try to stand a little too close, make myself feel a little less defenseless or entirely ignorant or too threatened. When some men are serious to protect their own sense of dominance, sometimes my actions are of no matter..... .... Sometimes, I question if you're more gay than anything, but I believe you to be bisexual for now. It's like you could have mixed feelings with your jealousy and possessiveness. ...I can be a man magnet at times and inconvenient times... I feel low for you knowing there are things I can't always control. .. I mean to try to be safe with you

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