As the Sarah Turns

While I still question the truth of a story and if Pete has cancer; I have no other choice than to have more doubt... Very upsetting. He came across as a sociopath juvenile last night. The one guy looked like him, but was from another country, so it couldn't have been the real Pete. What if him being from another country was a lie too? Was Pete's hair really red, or I thought it to have a brownish looking color. I was not giving Wayne any of the credit for it either... If Pete had such strong feelings against me, it is his own childish fault in acting like he emotionally or sexually cared. I keep questioning that. The doubt has outweighed my belief in him because he did show more interest in someone other. I think he meant to insult me too when he showed more interest in someone else. I still held down my personal fort with Kelly Rowland's "Representin," song. Pete obviously has a serious personal problem with the way I was never going to give up on my self worth. When my Pamela takes my bullies on; that is the emphasis I have against their hate. I'm not giving up on my self worth, and I'm not giving up on waiting for my personal Ludacris. My Ludacris will be well worth the wait, and if I never find one, it will be worth it for me to remain single than to lose my common sense to give up on my self worth for some juvenile sociopath who hates me. How vain it was and has been for someone to expect me to give in to their sick hate.

That's It Dillon

My most prime initial thoughts: You are VERY paranoid, hypersensitive and on edge with me. I hate being forced to be so mean, but you leave me no choice. I was over you a long time ago. I was never even serious for you. I know you are out there lurking and stalking, and I would deem you another vain, egocentric man who is desperately trying to take me for what I'm worth. I don't care what you think of me Dillon, and I'm getting quite tired with the way YOU EXPECT ME TO BOW TO YOUR THREATS. You're another guy that I'd send to the Rusted Musket because all you are is a frustrated chauvinist staying the most frustrated in wanting me to give in to your one-sided and vain chauvinism. You're on my bad side for life Dillon. I don't know the half of what your one sided and chauvinistically double standard gossip is, but I can tell you want to put things on me and trash talk me when all I've done is glance at your stalker and blink. I hate to have to be so mean about it, but I can tell you keep trying to push me around in my blind side, and you seriously are too paranoid, egocentric, and desperate for wanting to put some kind of blame on me. I had a thing for you a long time ago, and got over you a long time ago. Someone could be an intentional instigator and provoker to you, but it isn't me, and I left you alone expecting to be left alone. You're not going to win with me.

Cursed to the dog house

Where did I go? Personally, I think Calvin Harris hates me for hating his song "Blame it On the Night." I hate the singer's voice and the guys it reminds me of. I am disgusted with "Imagine Dragons," too. Some men really think they have a lesson to teach me and have always seen past their barbaric jealous hypocrisy where they have always been more guilty in thinking "they have a lesson to teach me." It really could be a wrong person wanting to stand in my way the most, where I will take my punishment to an extent with you anyway, along with keeping my own silence. I have a clutter of thoughts where I want to make sense to you, but speaking my mind out loud won't always make sense to the other person because I'm in a clusterfuck.... You could be thinking "You know you don't know the number of women and the hook ups I have, don't feel too guilty." I have a natural way of feeling guilty and would rather not come off as being too insensitive or ignorant with you. And while I agree to an extent that I shouldn't feel too guilty or be too naïve with you, what is it with: "Happy Birthday David Bowie"? Do I need to be paranoid over David Duchovny at all? You seem to really make me wonder. Besides that in not being too guilty: we are not literally seeing each other in person enough or at all, you leave me hanging with some things, you could be giving more or most of yourself to someone else.... ... Are you really friends with Tom? Do I want to say the other man's name? (It seriously is not John A. and he will never have another chance in this lifetime. He is so gross with the worse senseless barbaric will to want to be in control and making way too many of the worst mistakes with me.) Anyway, Tom and the other dude have their horny "Frank" share.. "Magnolia.".. It was a funny character really. Serious but funny. While I could be making things worse on my end to argue who deserves the "Frank" name the most of marking someone as his, I kind of already did that with you when I flew to Nashville..... I'm really a little embarrassed and a little more shy over the serious aggression from them in my mind. It's still all in the mind though. Tom must still have his beef and some drama with me. The other guy, I must really do it for him...There are some more real and tactile connections, but a lot of it is in the mind..... So, I pick a job that pays decent that does have the better odds of getting my bills paid off better, but it's a job where there will be more odds of trouble. I'm not looking for the trouble. Sometimes, I have no other choice than to chase it, try to find it out, try to stand a little too close, make myself feel a little less defenseless or entirely ignorant or too threatened. When some men are serious to protect their own sense of dominance, sometimes my actions are of no matter..... .... Sometimes, I question if you're more gay than anything, but I believe you to be bisexual for now. It's like you could have mixed feelings with your jealousy and possessiveness. ...I can be a man magnet at times and inconvenient times... I feel low for you knowing there are things I can't always control. .. I mean to try to be safe with you

I've Gone to Boston

I wonder if that's a song: "I'm going to Boston," it's like I have a 60s folk tune phrase in my head but it could just be me. I've got another check on the map to the places I've been. This trip was mostly business, and only planned through business. I did get to do a little sightseeing, exploring, and wandering around. The trip had a little bit of a thrill with it. I may consider going back to Boston as a leisurely trip one day, but unless I had more money than I knew what to do with, it wouldn't be my first leisurely trip of choice. It is definitely a big historical town that had several important happenings and events. Besides a governmental history, it also had the bar "Cheers" where the "Cheers" show was actually made. I didn't go to the original one; I went to the one that was within one of the malls and got a souvenir mug. The shops were all closed by the time I was done. I had one main indulgent meal splurge which was in cheers: Cheeseburger and extra French fries. I didn't have a real lunch during the day. My breakfast and lunch meals consisted of granola bars and chex mix. I still have to tighten up my diet more than what I have. Sometimes, it is more difficult to adhere to my own strict diet when I'm on a tougher emotional roller coaster ride than others. I really know how to cut things out of my diet; having better substitutions made; and having good habits to mostly stick with. Besides the trouble with my occasional emotional roller coaster rides, is my regular daily schedules. The days I work my night job are the most difficult. I do not get much sleep and I typically eat 4 meals and sometimes 5 depending on how my late night hunger goes. I at least eat when I'm hungry and it's not like I'm binge eating, but having a normal eating habit is something that is easier said than done for a late night stripper. I don't have nearly enough time to go to the gym as much as I used to. Most of this blog is about my personal weight loss effort; I could join in on a weight watchers meeting. But right now is the time for me to really buckle down and get more strict about losing weight. I have gained both a size and some weight and I'm not happy about it. I feel I am almost on the borderline of gaining another size and I am on my own high red alert. Sometimes, on my emotional roller coaster, it is like New Years day and "Just one last indulgence or splurge." I know there are times I make great effort to eat right and make the food cuts that I need and this is why I am so upset. I know I try hard to keep the weight off. But I get upset because I eat when I'm upset and fat and fat because I eat. I'm not sincerely identifying myself as fat bastard but I sometimes feel a little pathetic and sad because of the effort I do make. While I get relieved of some stressors, there are always other stressors that I can't completely keep up with. ......... I guess it was the Cheeseburger and the Boston Cream Pie that got me going with the weight loss issue. It was a pretty good Boston Cream Pie. Mine was subway a la mode because I wasn't careful enough with my to go box when jumping from train to train. It still tasted the same. I'm in the airport right now with a 5 hour layover waiting to get on my last plane to Morgantown. One flight before me was canceled because of the weather and I will be so upset if my flight gets canceled. Don't know yet. I have two more hours to wait............. until then, can only keep looking forward to the future and hoping to eventually make more plans for better things to come. ..............

Happy Birthday To Me

Technically it is tomorrow but my main celebration is today. I am saving the dessert for tomorrow because I don't want to have dessert two days in a row. I am trying to watch my girlish figure. But, I am looking forward to going to Starbucks or Barnes and Noble tomorrow for both a good latte and probably a piece of cake from the Cheesecake factory unless I change my mind on one of their cookies. Today the ginger apple cider beer will have to suffice. I am also doing another one of my work hauls tomorrow by doing both jobs, but I don't mind. Technicalities are technicalities. In stripper years, I will be 27. I worked on my birthday last year too. It was shitty. I have given myself more than enough satisfaction in keeping Jon shunned, so he won't be able to be as much of a ruin on my birthday this year as last year. While I think I have HAD purged out any more cries that I could cry, my hate isn't as entirely purged out of me. And, I am not hoping to be visited by any intentional oil rig workers wanting to get my oil. ~I came to party like the night will never end ~ lets party again ~lets party again... ~I'm a party girl ~ in a party world...~ titties real, it's fantastic~ (not seriously that it will never end. I like the way it can be cryptic) lol ahhahaah ha (not too serious about the crypticness either)... ..........I think my job is going well so far. I've gotten the hang of it and don't dread it too much. I don't dread being a stripper too much either. I'm not crazy about the toll it will take on my car but my car is already having a toll with the night job that I've had. I hope to be able to move soon. Right now, I am in a temporary period of being a severe broke and have to push myself for extra work time, but once I get my first paycheck and after the next few keep rolling, I will cut my hours more. I was hoping to only work 3 nights this week with stripping, but I will have to work 4. Unless I get extra extra lucky. Who knows, maybe I will make bank on New Years Eve but nothing is ever definitely predictable..... My child has been so onry today, but I've finally got her in the bath and the buzz of the beer is starting to kick in a little. She can be so manipulative and controlling when having to be the center of attention, but it feels good to know I'm demanded for and loved sometimes. Today wasn't the best time for her to be like that, but it isn't that her brattyness is a total upset... Until then, signing off.........

Thoughts of the Day

Today is a very, very bad day. Although there are some good things, today has just been an awful day. I have so many things to stress over and thoughts of rage that I cannot discuss...... Anyway, what a busy and hectic month of December. Work has been in a little bit of a crisis lately because I have had to bounce around different clubs a little and just haven't been making the regular, average pay. I'm back at the original spot that I had started and the club has a different name. I have hopes that I will be making decent money again. Once I start my other job, I should have a better steady income and more time to spend with Mitzi. Like I said, I still plan on keeping my night job, but won't be working as much as I used to. One of my stressors is getting the specific gift that Mitzi wants. It is out of stock everywhere and I don't know when any of the stores will be getting more shipments of this toy. If I order it online whenever it is back in stock, I don't know if it will be in time for Christmas......... I had planned on going out of town this weekend to go stripping, but it probably isn't going to be until January until I will be able to make it to somewhere like Pittsburgh, Baltimore, or some other town to think of traveling to. Besides some of the more regional clubs, I hear about the ones in Texas often. Strip clubs in Texas is the one of the areas most talked about. I'd have to save for a trip like that, and hope it would payoff. It will probably be Pittsburgh I try sometime in January. I just have to make up my mind which club I'd try. Some are open til 2 and others are open all the way until 4. I don't know. December has too much stress, hustle, bustle, and too much to do. It would be better if I stayed in town this weekend. ...

David

Still on my mind...... Not sure what to think or say of some of the signs I saw today..... ha ..... Should I really feel pressured into being persuaded you want to marry me? Should I let myself take it seriously and seriously give myself something to think about? I've seen signs before and the way people BS for whatever reason they BS but nothing has ever come about. Why people would ever continue to make up their own BS relationship stories or intentionally prank me in the media, I will never know....... Amongst so many reasons, Denny Williamson has been my most terrorizing embarrassment of a stalker. He gives himself any and all credit and thinks he has my submission. (pope example) I have already screamed in front of everyone how much of a psycho, stalker, and rapist I think he is. Knowing I have such strong negative emotions against him and his psychotically terrorizing barbarian, he INTENTIONALLY IGNORES ME THINKING IT IS HIS RIGHT TO STALK ME AND TRY TO CLIMB ON TOP OF ME. HE THINKS HE DESERVES TO TERRORIZE, THREATEN, AND HARASS ME WITH HIS RAPIST "DOMINANCE." He lies and like other vain psycho barbarians, he tries to put me in bondage to his self and what his rules are. He has vainly and sickly insinuated that I wanted him and wants to put HIS VAIN LIES ON ME THAT I AM THE ONE "WHO IS TOO VAIN." The sick psycho he is, is what he wants to lie and say of me. I have been so disgusted against him for the longest time. I HAVE AND WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM. I hate that I have another reason to feel embarrassed in front of you with his sick vain self-entitled pig............... For right now, I really don't have much more to say. I wish I could say it is all short and sweet today, but it is short and screaming. I'm going to let myself have a good day anyway and hope u do the same.